grocery store ramblings...

one of the reasons i like working from home is that i can go to the grocery store over my break, and avoid the sunday funday madness.  i actually do this most tuesdays.  the weekdays have a different kind of crowd of the stay-at-home-mom and old people variety.  i kinda prefer it :)

i think central market must love me.  almost everytime i pull into the lot and circle around, almost immediately a car in a baller spot (like, the ones right next to the handicapped) pull out.  it's as if the gates of heaven are opening just for me.  it puts me in an even more awesome mood, and i just know the rest of the day will be stellar :)

it pisses me off when i see carts placed in the lawn or other places that they are not supposed to be.  people, walk the extra ten yards and put your cart where it should go.  this makes the cart-gatherers job more annoying than it probably already is.  be nice, do your part, spread the love.

i'm still waiting on alaska to send it's awesome salmon and halibut down to texas.  tick, tock, tick, tock.  it's not here yet :(.  my cute fish guy wasn't there this week.  that is a reason to gut out the madness of sundays at central market - fish guy is always there.  and this poses a question - how on earth do you pick up someone at the grocery store?  i see the cutest guys there, mostly my fish guy.  and it's not just at the grocery store - how do you pick up people other places that don't include consuming large amounts of alcohol?  central market?  barton springs?  inquiring minds want to know...

central market has stopped carrying the haagen dazs chocolate sorbet, and it makes me want to cry as my tears form a small sad puddle at my feet.  boo.

i buy flowers for myself every week, one for the vase on my kitchen table and the other for the vase on my coffee tables.  they just make me happy :)

i have found out the key to getting into a check out aisle.  at central market, people approach the row of check out aisles on the left side.  i have found that a lot of people don't stop at the few check outs closest to the left and don't walk further down.  i have found that if you do in fact walk all the way down, you can practically walk up and get checked out right away - even on sundays!!  it's a trick i've learned :)

speaking of the check out counter, i find it highly rude when people do not help bag their own groceries if there isn't a bagger present - this is especially rude when there is a line of people behind you and you  have a ton of groceries!  sometimes a person will just stand there, watching the checker ring in their loot, watching the groceries pile up toward the end, fiddling on their phone, or whatever the hell they may be doing.  and then will watch the checker bag their groceries after this jerk is done paying.  my checker praised me on my bagging abilities, and thanked me very much for bagging my own.  people, this little things means a lot to the checkers.  don't be a priss, and bag your own shit unless you're wrangling children or bleeding from the head.

it's true - i will break both of my arms carrying groceries up in one trip.  i don't normally buy a whole lot since it's just me and toby, but on my big grocery store trips i will take home quite a bit.  and i will not take more than one trip - i refuse.  and for some reason, when a neighbor offers help, i will refuse - i wanna do it myself for some reason or another.

it is so 2:05 on a friday afternoon...

it is so 2:05 on a friday afternoon.  i had a late night last night, alarm came too early this morning.  i'm ready to home, cuddle up with my dog, and hit the couch hard.

but, late night was worth it - i had a date :).  it went well.  in fact, dare i add a 'really' in there and say it went really well??  yes, i think i will.  it went really well.  stay tuned.

this last week has been somewhat random.  this asshole i went out with one time before the holidays called me out of the blue.  i got back from my run tuesday night to discover his missed call.  wtf?  my first instinct was the ignore the queef, but i was just dying to hear what the hell he could possibly have to say to me.  so, i called him back.  we shot the shit for a few minutes, and then he asked me about denver.  'was i still planning to move', he asked me.  i told him i wasn't, and he was curious because he is interviewing for a role that may move him to denver.  i mean, what would it matter if i were moving to denver?  at any rate, i did appreciate the clearing of the air, but that was just about it.  and so i was totally surprised last night when he texted me while i was enjoying a beer with my adorable chubby-cheeked date.  did he want to chit chat again?  geez.

i was on a con call yesterday with a group of people and as much as i was trying to pay attention to the content, the leader's nail biting minnesota accent was stealing my attention.  in fact, so thick i couldn't understand what she was saying a couple times.

as i'm listening to my ipod and a couple songs from twilight come on, i have decided that i'm going to order the twilight series on dvd so i can watch them whenever i want to.  and i'm not sorry about it.  in the least.  by the way - the new boy bears a striking resemblance to taylor lautner. 

it always gets so much colder in the office in the afternoon when the ac kicks into hihg gear or something.  it's as if there is a 2 o'clock cold front we're all doomed to suffer through.  it is so cold up here sometimes that my cube neighbor oftentimes has to put on her heavy coat that she actually keeps traipsed on the back of her chair.

i'm getting a little nervous about my marathon next month.  excited nervous, but still nervous.  this will be my first conquered 26.2 - i have been so damn ready to put that sticker on the back of my car.  i know a lot of people thing they're tacky or whatever, but i don't give a shit - i'm putting that damn thing on my red fit.

just thought of the yummy lips of the new boy.  hope i get to taste them again soon :)

'wild', a woman's journey of self discovery

i just finished 'wild' by cheryl strayed last night.  recently when i was looking for books to read, i googled what had been on oprah's book club over the years, and this caught my eye.  i ordered it on amazon, and it was delivered to my front door shortly after.  i got it used, and i got it in hardback.  there is something about a used book that i adore - maybe the love it's gotten?  maybe the smell?  and I love hardbacks - not sure why on that one.

i'm just gonna go on a short tangent here for a bit.  i love buying books on amazon.  i love buying used books on amazon.  people, they sometimes have books for a penny - a penny!!  yes, you have to pay for shipping.  but, if you buy used books from the same vendor, then more often than not i've noticed you only have to pay for shipping once.  so, if you work the system, you can get several books for such a low bargain price that even puts half price books to shame.  find the loop hole, and jump through that thing.

okay, at any rate.  i digress...

this book is the author's true story.  after some of life's detours and unanticipated loss, she got lost and needed to find herself again.  when she was younger, she and her brother and sister grew up with their abusive biological father, witnessing the beating of their mother.  her mother finally left their father for good, remarried, never seeing the biological father again.  she fell in love and got married young when she was just nineteen.  she and her husband traveled all over the place, finding jobs waiting tables and staying in places a few months at a time.  cheryl and her mother had a special relationship, and grew closer while attending college together after her mom went back to school while cheryl was attending.  their last semester, cheryl's mother was suddenly diagnosed with lung cancer and died less than two months later.

following her mother's sudden death, she just kind of spiralled out of control.  she starting pulling away from her husband, paul.  cheryl and her brother and sister tried to keep the relationship with their stepfather, but he remarried a woman with children and he slipped away as well.  she and paul eventually separated, and she kind of drifted around and found herself staying with a new boyfriend and getting into heroin.  she woke up one day, realized this life wasn't her, and she just had to get away and out.

she found herself in a bookstore one day and was drawn toward this book about the pacific crest trail.  the pct is a trail that goes all the way from the mojave desert in california near the border of mexico, all the way up the pacific coast to canada.  she felt compelled to go, and this book documents her travels and self discovery along her trek.  dude, that's a loooooong way to go...

when cheryl began her journey, she was clearly unprepared and underestimated how challenging it would be.  yes, she went to rei and spent lots of time making sure she had the right gear and knew how to use it.  her stepfather had taught her how to start a fire when she was younger, as well as some other 'boy scout' things.  but when she started, she was very out of shape, especially having recently been doing heroin on a daily basis.  suffice it so say, she was physically ill prepared.  her first few days were rough - blisters, in pain, didn't conquer the mileage she had planned to, and the realization she was indeed out of shape for something like this.  she contemplated turning back, but she trudged on.

as the days grew buy, she grew stronger - both in body and mind.  she gained confidence, and any fear she had started with subsided.  she started gaining more mileage each day.  she noticed new muscles forming.  she got comfortable in her daily routine.  she encountered lots of wildlife (a fox, a bear, and several rattlesnakes) - she was scared upon her first encounter, and became more confident with the confrontations to follow.

although she was alone on the trail, she began to meet people that were on the same journey.  she would hike alongside one of these new friends maybe for a day, they would separate, she'd meet others, go off on their own again, and then they would catch up with each other sometimes a month later while camped.  reading about the relationships she formed was really neat.  it was like this little family - although for the most part they traveled separately, they were all in this together.  cheryl was the only woman these hikers encountered who was on this hike alone, and these hikers really admired her for it.  some thought she was crazy, but the admiration and heroism she felt made her confidence grow - that was really cool.  i admired her too!!  that takes some balls for a woman to hike alone in the wilderness, sometimes needing to hitchhike, and sometimes encountering strange men she didn't know.

she confronted a lot of feelings she had about her childhood and growing up poor.  while that used to make her mad and felt like she missed out in some luxuries in life, she realized that living on so little helped her along this journey.  she only allowed herself $20 between each stop, and she lived on that budget for a few months.  yes, she was able to send herself packages to these rest stops along the way (that was cool - didn't know you could do that) where she would get food and other supplies, but she would stretch out that $20 to include some lodging, showers, meals, etc.  she had to get creative with that money, and her growing up watching her mom stretch a dollar contributed to her success of stretching so little money.

she sorted through a lot of anger she had toward her mother's death, especially on her mother's birthday that passed while cheryl was on the trail.  many sights and smells she trekked past reminded her of her mother, and she felt like her mother was right there with her.  getting through the day of her mother's birthday was hard and she didn't want to cry.  so instead, she made a list in her mind of things her mother did that made her mad - a list of 'failures' of her mother.  but then cheryl thought of all the good things her mother provided to herself and brother and sister, and was thankful for what an amazing mother she had - she was thankful for a mother that showered her in love, support, and protection.  i got the feeling from the story that the motivation for this journey was in large part to move on from her mother's death.

she also dealt with her separation and divorce from paul, and the feelings surrounding that loss.  she confronted feelings with her recent boyfriend joe, and saying goodbye to him, drugs, and that lifestyle.  she looked forward to a fresh start in portland after her trek.  below is a picture of the bridge of the gods in oregon where she ended her trip.

i admire cheryl for going through this trek.  doing something like this used to be a dream of mine, but the realist in me interferes.  i have a dog, a good thing going here in austin, and i'm not about to leave my job to do something like this for a few months.  maybe a a few years ago when i was in the restaurant business, had some money saved, and i would quit one of those jobs i loathed to escape and do some self discovery for a few months on a trip like this alone. 

but, it's not just the excuse of my job, my life, and the realities of the 'real world' now that prevent me from doing something like this.  i don't feel like i need this in the way that cheryl did.  it took me years to find myself, to love myself, and to discover who i am - but i have.  i love my life and where i am, and wouldn't want to leave it.  i would love to do a trek similar to this for a shorter period of time for the experience and scenery, but i don't need escape for a few months.  while reading this book, i had feelings of, 'man, i wish i had done something like that years ago' - but, i didn't do it.  however, i still ended up in the spot where i wanted to be - happy, in love with my life and myself, surrounded my friends and family that love and support me, and feeling complete just being me.

a paranoid hypochondriac

i wrote this the other day, but feeling much better now :)

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I’m beginning to wonder if I am a paranoid hypochondriac.  I think I’ve always been somewhat of a paranoid and moderately anxious person, but certain life experiences have made me even more so and recently it’s gotten worse.

When I first moved to Austin, I was downtown with some friends.  I drove there by myself to meet them, so I parked by myself in a lot somewhere.  When I was walking back to my car at the end of the night, I noticed this guy behind me.  I picked up the pace and hauled ass to my car, got in, and locked the doors.  As I was putting my seatbelt on, I hear this knock on my window and it was the guy.  He even pulled my door handle trying to get in.  I backed up the car real quick to get out of there, but then he threw himself on my hood.  I started to move and he finally got off somewhat by the force of my car, but it freaked me the fuck out!!  I recounted the story to my dad later and he told me that if that ever happened again to plow the guy over and we’d deal with it later.  Needless to say, that was the last time I ever walked to my car alone and unattended downtown late at night.

In my early adulthood, I had some sexual trauma from men – I won’t get into details, but it happened and it sucked.  It took me a long time to face it, deal with it, and recognize that the resulting fear was somewhat running my life more than I had originally thought.  At any rate, these experiences left me fearing men and fearing being raped.  I’ve gotten better, but I still feel like I am looking over my shoulder everywhere I go.  I imagine I will always be somewhat hypervigilant about this, but I’m okay with that.  I’d rather be very aware and maybe ‘paranoid’ of my surroundings than find myself in a situation where I could be hurt again.

A couple or three years ago, word spread in the Austin running community of all these attacks on women.  This unknown man was attacking female runners.  And not attacking them in the middle of the night around a darkened corner – he attacked a woman at Barton Springs at 1^st Street at 7am when the sun was out!  This guy was ballsy.  Year before last on New Year’s Eve, a woman was killed in my neighborhood at 31^st and Lamar by a man who was waiting for her in her house!  I live in a safe neighborhood – a very safe neighborhood in Austin.  Yet this woman was brutally stabbed in her house just blocks from my apartment.  It was later discovered that this man was the same man attacking the runners and he later killed himself when he realized he was the subject of an angry, rampant manhunt.  There was a blanket of ease that covered the female running community, but it still lingers in the back of my mind. 

Because of these things, I am very aware of my surroundings at all time and strive to never put myself in a situation where I feel insecure and unsafe.  But sometimes I feel like I am too paranoid.  I am one of those people who checks behind their shower curtain and closet doors.  I double and triple check the doors are locked.  I have my keys out and am looking all around me when I walk out to my car at night.

So, that’s the paranoia in me for the most part.  Here comes the hypochondria…

I love my dog so much.  I have had Toby for over eleven years.  I got him when I was in rehab (the most vulnerable part of my life) when he was just eight weeks old.  He has been with me through everything, and that is a lot.  He is not ‘just a dog’ to me – he is my family, he is my heart.  I cannot imagine my life without him, and dread the day that is his last.  I tear up just thinking about it sometimes.  I drank a bit too much wine one night, and just held him and cried and told him, ‘Toby, when you’re ready to let go of life, you just go.  Please don’t make me put you down!’  I’m sure he looked at me like I was an idiot and his internal dog thought was like, ‘Mom, I’m still here.  Calm the hell down and sober up.’  Ever since he hit the double digits, I’m very aware of his mortality.  And every time I think something is wrong with him, I think that he’s dying or something.  His vet has reassured me, 'Toby is older, but he’s not old.’  And he is very healthy.  I take excellent care of him, and I lucked out because my dog loves fruits and vegetables.  Seriously – he acts like I’m feeding him a fried piece of bacon when I give him steamed broccoli.  His vet said that as long as I steer clear of a few things that make dogs sick, and give him straight fruits and veggies (no oil, spices, additives), to give them to Toby – they are healthy and aide in a dog’s longevity just like a human’s.  His breed also has a pretty long estimated lifespan.  But, at any rate – I’m very aware that Toby is in fact getting older and I will have to let him go one day.  I try my hardest not to think about it, but at times it will creep into my brain.  My Mimi just had to put her cat of twenty years down the other day, so of course it brought up some of this…

Which kinda brings me to a paranoia I have about my dog.  I often worry that something will happen to him while I’m out of the apartment at work or something.  For instance, my old downstairs neighbor was this careless kid who left his gas on one time.  I guess he was gone for a couple days, left the gas on the stove, and the smell was, like, penetrating the walls of my apartment.  I called the property manager, he let himself in, and the smell of gas was horrible.  And, to add to that, this particular individual would leave candles burning – I saw them through his window.  So, this flash of my apartment blowing up with Toby helpless inside flashed through my mind.  And whenever I leave the apartment, I make sure all my burners are off and any flat or curling iron unplugged, etc. (and I turn on Animal Planet for him J)

I have also formed a feeling of hypochondria toward my parents.  My mom just turned sixty, and my daddy is about to the first of May.  Over the years, I have watched them change.  They were my age when Aren and I were born, and so I have watched them get older over my thirty years.  I have watched my dad get ‘old people spots’ on his hands.  I have watched my daddy lose hair, and watched them turn gray.  I have watched wrinkles start to form.  I have also watched my grandparents age and die, and thus see my mom say goodbye to both of her parents and my dad let go of his dad. 

My mom most recently had to let go of her best friend of over thirty years, a woman I referred to as my godmother, our Judy.  Judy battled cancer for years, and lost her battle this last December – she was only sixty-two.  I watched my mom say goodbye to her dearest friend she’s known – a woman who was more like a close sister.  When I came back from rehab, and my family decided it best for me to move to Austin, Judy did not hesitate to tell my mom she would take care of me.  Wally and Judy took me in as one of their own – she cared for me during my most vulnerable time.  She has always been an extension of my own mother.  It was painful to say goodbye to her and let her go.  I think of her every day and will feel the pain of that loss for quite some time.  And as hard as it was for me to let her go, I cannot imagine what it must have been like for her children.  I am very close to her middle daughter, Abbie – and watching her go through that last month was hard.

Judy dying was a reminder of my parents’ own mortality – I will have to let them go one day.  I try not to think about it, but sometimes it creeps into my mind.  I can’t imagine having to live my life with my mom or my daddy – thinking of it brings a lump to my throat.  I feel this urge to protect them and make sure they are as healthy as possible, taking care of themselves, eating right, going to the doctor, etc.  I just want to take care of them and keep them happy and healthy and here for as long as I can and it makes me so sad to think of them not being here one day.  Last weekend I was in Dallas visiting and I mentioned something to my mom about me being sad when Toby dies (it was on my mind because my Mimi’s cat was about to die), and she very casually said, ‘Well, just think of it as practice for when me and Daddy die.’  How could she be so casual?

My mom works alongside a nurse who has breast cancer – and she is only 27.  Last year a friend mine I used to work with at Chuy’s was diagnosed with breast cancer, and she was in her early thirties (she’s great now).  Just a few days ago I learned that a girl I used to work with at Trudy’s was diagnosed with breast cancer, and she too is only in her early thirties.  My mom said that getting breast cancer so young is extremely rare (and I know that), but this just feeds my hypochondria and paranoia.  How can such young healthy people get so sick?

Over a year ago I went on birth control (of the pill variety).  I started having horrible chest pains – like, sharp pressure pains in my chest several times a day.  It was really freaking me out.  I went to the doctor and got all this work done, and everything came back great.  I get my blood checked regularly since I am a regular donor, and they said I was the poster child for cardiovascular health.  So what the hell was going on?  I was scared I was going to be one of these random young healthy people that had a heart attack or something.  I consulted with a cardiologist, but in the meantime the chest pains became less frequent.  I still wasn’t making the correlation until I went to the doctor for a follow up and we realized it was all the hormones in the birth control.  So, I guess I’m just one of the women that can’t do the pill.  I’m off it no, no chest pains.

I check my boobs when I’m in the shower, go to the doctor annually for lady checkups, and go to get mole checks at the dermatologist – I got that shit on lockdown.  But what about the other cancers and illnesses you can’t see outright?  You kinda have to wait until something weird happens and some symptom comes up.  But then what if it’s too late?  I did find out you can opt for a CT scan or MRI, but this would be an ‘optional’ procedure so health insurance won’t cover it.  How can one tell they’re sick when you can’t see it yet?

I talked to my mom a lot about this last night.  She said it’s natural for me to feel this way after finding out an old friend close to my age has cancer, and after losing Judy, Mimi putting down her cat, and all this other stuff.  I know I can’t live my life in fear, and I don’t want to.  I remembered today that being sad over something that hasn’t even happened and starting to mourn for my dog when he is still happy, healthy, and full of energy is such a waste.  I always emphasize the importance of living for today, show love to those around you, and don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future.  I’m trying to practice what I preach, although sometimes it is a struggle when certain things in life happen.  People and pets die, and sometimes before a time that we may deem ‘fair’.  But what’s funny about life is that it goes on.

the davinci code, religion, and spirituality

the last book i finished was 'the davinci code'.  this book is pretty long, and i plowed through it in 4 days - another book i could not put down. 

i found this book so interesting.  i understand why some christians may not like it (which i have heard from some), think there's no truth behind it, no validity, etc.  and that's fine.  i, however, think there is much truth to it and i think there would good messages behind the book.  one this is for sure, this book will  make you think.

so, quick summary from one of my old college favorites, spark notes (if you've read the book, feel free to skip over the below itallics):

In the Louvre, a monk of Opus Dei named Silas apprehends Jacques Saunière, the museum’s curator, and demands to know where the Holy Grail is. After Saunière tells him, Silas shoots him and leaves him to die. However, Saunière has lied to Silas about the Grail’s location. Realizing that he has only a few minutes to live and that he must pass on his important secret, Saunière paints a pentacle on his stomach with his own blood, draws a circle with his blood, and drags himself into the center of the circle, re-creating the position of Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man. He also leaves a code, a line of numbers, and two lines of text on the ground in invisible ink.

A police detective, Jerome Collet, calls Robert Langdon, the story’s protagonist and a professor of symbology, and asks him to come to the Louvre to try to interpret the scene. Langdon does not yet realize that he himself is suspected of the murder.

After murdering Saunière, Silas calls the “Teacher” and tells him that, according to Saunière, the keystone is in the Church of Saint-Sulpice in Paris. The Teacher sends Silas there. Silas follows Saunière’s clues to the keystone’s location and discovers that he has been tricked. In a fit of rage, he kills Sister Sandrine Bieil, the church’s keeper and a sentry for the Priory of Sion. At the Louvre, Langdon meets Jerome Collet and Bezu Fache, the police captain, and realizes that the two policemen suspect him of the murder.

Sophie Neveu, an agent of the department of cryptology and Saunière’s granddaughter, arrives at the crime scene and tells Langdon that he must call the embassy. When Langdon calls the number Sophie gave him, he reaches her answering service. The message warns Langdon that he is in danger and should meet Sophie in the bathroom at the Louvre.

In the bathroom, Sophie shows Langdon that Fache is noting his movements with a tracking device. She throws the device out the window onto a passing truck, tricking the police into thinking that Langdon has escaped from the Louvre.

Sophie also tells Langdon that the last line in the secret message, “P.S. Find Robert Langdon,” was her grandfather’s way of alerting her: P.S. are the initials of her grandfather’s nickname for her, Princesse Sophie. Langdon thinks that P.S. might stand for Priory of Sion, an ancient brotherhood devoted to the preservation of the pagan goddess worship tradition, and to the maintenance of the secret that Saunière died protecting.

Langdon decodes the second and third lines in Saunière’s message: “Leonardo Da Vinci! The Mona Lisa!” Sophie returns to the paintings to look for another clue. The police have returned to the Louvre as well, and they arrest Langdon. Sophie finds a key behind the Madonna of the Rocks. By using the painting as a hostage, she manages to disarm the police officer and get herself and Langdon out of the building.

As Sophie and Langdon drive toward the Swiss bank identified on the back of the key, Langdon explains the history of the Priory of Sion and their armed force, the Knights Templar. He reveals that the Priory protects secret documents known as the Sangreal, or the Holy Grail. Langdon’s latest manuscript is about this very subject.

When Sophie and Langdon enter the bank, an unnamed security guard realizes that they are fugitives and calls the police, but André Vernet, the bank’s manager and a friend of Saunière’s, recognizes Sophie and helps her and Langdon escape. Sophie and Langdon figure out that the number left near Saunière’s body must be the account number that will open the vault. When they open the vault they find a cryptex, a message delivery device designed by Da Vinci and crafted by Saunière. The cryptex can only be opened with a password.

Vernet successfully smuggles Sophie and Langdon past Collet in the back of a locked armored car. Vernet turns on them, but they manage to get away with the cryptex, which Langdon realizes is actually the Priory keystone—that is, the key to all of the secrets the Priory holds about the location of the Holy Grail.

Langdon and Sophie go to the house of Sir Leigh Teabing, a historian, to ask for his help opening the box. Teabing tells them the legend of the Grail, starting with the historical evidence that the Bible didn’t come straight from God but was compiled by Emperor Constantine. He also cites evidence that Jesus’ divinity was decided by a vote at Nicaea, and that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, who was of royal blood, and had children by her. Teabing shows them the hidden symbols in The Last Supper and the painted representation of the Magdalene. He tells them that the Holy Grail is actually Mary Magdalene’s body and the documents that prove Mary’s blood line is related to Jesus. He says he thinks Saunière and the others may have been killed because the Church suspected that the Priory was about to unveil this secret.

As Langdon is showing off the cryptex, Silas appears and hits him over the head. Silas holds Sophie and Teabing at gunpoint and demands the keystone, but Teabing attacks Silas, hitting him on the thigh where his punishment belt is located, and Sophie finishes him off by kicking him in the face. They tie Silas up.

Collet arrives at the castle, but Sophie, Langdon, the bound Silas, Teabing, and his servant, Rémy, escape and board Teabing’s private plane to England. Sophie realizes that the writing on the cryptex is decipherable if viewed in a mirror. They come to understand the poem, which refers to “a headstone praised by Templars” and the “Atbash cipher,” which will help them arrive at the password. Langdon remembers that the Knights Templar supposedly worshipped the god Baphomet, who is sometimes represented by a large stone head. The word, unscrambled by the Atbash Cipher, is Sofia. When they open the cryptex, however, they find only another cryptex, this one with a clue about a tomb where a knight was buried by a pope. They must find the orb that should have been on the knight’s tomb.

Fache realizes that Teabing and the rest of them are in the jet. He calls the British police and asks them to surround the airfield, but Teabing tricks the police into believing that there is nobody inside the plane but himself. Then he goes with Sophie, Langdon, Rémy, and Silas to the Temple Church in London, the burial site of knights that the Pope had killed.

Rémy frees Silas and reveals that he, too, follows the Teacher. Silas goes to the church to get the keystone, but when he tries to force Langdon to give it up, Langdon threatens to break it. Rémy intervenes, taking Teabing hostage and thus forcing Langdon to give up the cryptex.

Meanwhile, Collet and his men look through Teabing’s house and become suspicious when they find that he has been monitoring Saunière. Over the phone, the Teacher instructs Silas to let Rémy deliver the cryptex. The Teacher meets Rémy in the park and kills him. The Teacher calls the police and turns Silas in to the authorities. As Silas tries to escape, he is shot, and he accidentally shoots his idol, Bishop Aringarosa.

Silas takes Bishop Aringarosa to the hospital and staggers into a park, where he dies. In the hospital the next day, Aringarosa bitterly reflects that Teabing tricked him into helping with his murderous plan by claiming that if the Bishop delivered the Grail to him, he would help the Opus Dei regain favor with the Church.

Sophie’s and Langdon’s research leads them to the discovery that Sir Isaac Newton is the knight they are looking for, the one buried by a Pope, because they learn he was buried by Alexander Pope. They go to Westminster Abbey, where Newton is buried. There, the Teacher lures them to the garden with a note saying he has Teabing. They go there only to discover that Teabing himself is the Teacher. Teabing suspected that Saunière had decided not to release the secret of the Priory of Sion, because the Church threatened to kill Sophie if the secret was released. Wanting the secret to be public knowledge, he had decided to find the Grail himself.

Teabing gives Langdon the cryptex and asks Langdon and Sophie to help him open it. Langdon figures out that the password is apple—the orb missing from Newton’s tomb. He opens the cryptex and secretly takes out the papyrus. Then he throws the empty cryptex in the air, causing Teabing to drop his pistol as he attempts to catch it and prevent the map inside from being destroyed. Suddenly, Fache bursts into the room and arrests Teabing.

The papyrus inside the second cryptex directs Sophie and Langdon to Scotland, where Sophie finds her brother and her grandmother. During the reunion, she discovers that her family is, indeed, of the bloodline of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. Sophie and Langdon part, promising to meet in Florence in a month. Back in Paris, Langdon comprehends the poem, which leads him to the small pyramid built into the ground in the Louvre, where he is sure the Grail must be hidden.

so you can see why this book is somewhat controversial in the christian community - i totally get it.  this book claims some stuff that is not consistent with what a lot of christians believe.  the book claims jesus was married to mary magdalene and had a child (or children, who knows) and therefore has a bloodline that may just continue today.  there are historians and theologists who have dedicated their careers to exploring jesus' lineage.  it also claims that all of the 'men' in 'the last supper' are not all men - mary magdalene, jesus' wife, is seated next to him.  it also raises speculation that jesus was just a man, a good teacher, a prophet just like muhammad, jeremiah, and some others in the bible.  there are some other points of controversy, but these are a few to demonstrate.

some religious folk claim their religion is 'right' and the be all end all and everyone else is wrong but them.  and i'm not saying this only pertains to christians, but that is my personal experience throughout my own life.  i have been told me and my family are going to hell.  my own grandmother insisted me and brother and sister went through confirmation and stuff - she also would express conern to my mother that she would  not see us in heaven and we would end up lost in hell.  i was told by a young life leader in high school that i would go to hell if i did not accept jesus christ as my lord and savior and lead a 'christian life'.  one of my dad's oldest friends is a buddhist man.  years ago he was waiting on a kidney and would die without one.  he ended up getting it and he's well and healthy today.  but i had a friend in junior high school while this was going on that told me if teichi died, he would go to hell because he was not christian.  i asked this friend, 'so you're telling me that teichi would go to hell?  one of the best husbands, fathers, spriritual people, and genuine humans to walk this earth would go to hell just because he wasn't christian?'  and my friend's answer was 'yes'.  i went to a baptist church camp with a childhood friend of mine when i was twelve - my mom was hesitant to let me go, but she wanted me to live my own experiences and make decisions based upon them as opposed to her and my father forcing them upon us kids.  there was a mother there that made me cry.  she was almost yelling at me as she was telling me me and my family were going to hell. 

so, these experiences as well as others have contributed to forming my opinion for my own beliefs and spritual practice.  i am not a christian, and i in now way shape or form believe i am going to hell.  i believe got is an accepting god and a loving god and wouldn't place anyone in hell.  i have been tested on this belief of mine a few times in life, but i won't go into that.  i believe that jesus existed, but i believe he was a person and an inspirational person and prophet much like mother theresa, the dalai lama, ghandi, and nelson mandela.  i do not believe he was sacrificed for our sins and we need to accept him as our lord and savior or we will burn in eternal hell fire and that we were all born innate sinners. 

84% of the world has religous faith, and only a third of that percentage are christian.  so, by doing a simple ratio equation, just under 25.5% of the entire world's entire population are christian.  there are other numbers out there, but christians are not the majority of the world's religous population.  in fact, muslims are a pretty close second.  so, rhetorial question to some christians out there - are you telling me that well over a majority of the world's population are going to hell?  and what about animals?  are they going to hell by default?  and some believe that plants have a spirit and they certainly have life and energy - are they going to hell by default as well?  are we humans 'more important' than animals and plants just because we are more evolved as a species?  plants, animals, bugs, and other life forms outnumber humans by an enormous landslide.  and what about all the people and animals and dinosaurs that existed before jesus and the bible?  are they going to meet us sinners in hell?

something else is mentioned in the davinci code that is a very valid point.  historical text (including the bible) is written by the winners.  it is written by the individuals that knew how to read and write (which we all know was a small, tiny minority hundreds of years ago), and written by individuals that won wars.  fuck, constantine led a rampant religous war and over his reign burned millions at the stake who did not believe as he did - he declared that christianity (specifically catholocism) was right and the only way and just got rid of anyone else.  and he and his followers wrote much of historical text, including the bible.  christianity succeeded largely because of the 'legitimization' under constantine over his 31 years of rule.  how would history and religous text be different had this been different?  what if history had been written by the millions who were burned at the stake?  makes you wonder.

again, i'm not saying this pertains to christianity and christianity alone - i'm just illustrating that here because of the book and my own personal experience of religious and spiritual contemplation.  i have met others in different faiths who have the same sense of 'rightness' and 'entitlement'.  i am not saying that christians are wrong - i am not saying that at all.  but, it is only one of many ways to have faith and believe.  there are other gods out there that are no more or no less than the god in the christian faith.  my point is, no one is right and no one is wrong - we're just all different and that is okay.  if god wanted us all to be the same, why would he have created everyone so different?

i believe in god, and i believe that there is something bigger out there linking all of life together.  i believe it because i feel it - i feel god's and the universe's love and connection around me everywhere.  just last night i was out on a walk with toby.  it was beautiful outside.  i felt the breeze on my face, and lifted my head, closed my eyes, and just thought how beautiful and miraculous life is. 

from a scientific perspective, i could also justify reincarnation - i don't know if it exists (no one does), but science does in fact support it.  one of the laws of matter states that all matter and energy that exists in the universe already exists - this energy and matter cannot be created or destroyed, it is only transferred from one place to another.  science also states (and a lot of studies have shown) that your life, your spirit, and the energetic force that keeps you breathing and heart beating is a form of this matter.  so, when you die, this energy leaves your body - it goes out into the universe somewhere.  that being said, if matter and energy  cannot be created, where do the new life forces come from?  do babies share the spirit of another life who has already existed and left the physical world? 

there is something so much bigger out there.  we are but a wee spec in the cosmos and history of this universe.  i am but a mere human being here in the physical world for an undetermined amount of time - although i hope i live a long and happy life, no one knows when their time is up.  when i think about it, i am such a small microscopic part of our physical life as we know it on earth - the universe has been here for how many million years?  how much larger is the universe than just our physical world and reglious establishments here?  think about it...

at any rate, there are other books mentioned in the davinci code that have been written by historians and theoligists who have been studying the lineage of jesus and this stuff for a long time.  i want to read some of these.  i find this stuff fascinating and it will really make you think, regardless of what your religious or spiritual beliefs may be.

on another note, respect one another.  practice tolerance toward others and their beliefs.  practice and preach what you  love instead of what you hate.  the fact of the matter is, no one knows what happens when you die except for those that are no longer with us.  although i want a long and healthy life and hope to inherit the morris' longevity, i know this much - my spirituality and connection with my god and universe, and my faith in both, have helped me not fear dying and provide me trust that there is something so much bigger and awesome out there. 

i have had 'life of pi' on my netflix for a while now, and keep having to bump that fucker down my list because i've wanted to finish the book first.  i finally finished it last night.  could. not. put. it. down.  i had many nights where i broke my early-to-bed grandma ways, stayed up too late reading, then woke up dragging ass the next morning - but, all well worth it. 

adventure, a spiritual journey, morality, life, will to live, love of animals, respect - just awesome fest.

read the book.  you won't be sorry. 

awesome lettuce wraps

i meant to post this recipe a couple weeks ago when i made them, but of course totally forgot.  so i'm doing it now :)

cooking light is one of my favorite magazines.  the recipes are great, the food is healthy, and they have healthy versions of a lot of different comfort foods.  some assume that lettuce wraps at a restaurant are healthy simply because they're wrapped in lettuce, but oh no - typically that shit is fried, has a ton of oil and crap, and isn't healthy for you at all.  it's like having a salad with fried chicken strips and drown it in ranch - same thing.  at any rate, this chicken wrap recipe was awesome and so light.  i added some carrots and other veggies as i typically do.  this was fast, delicious, left overs kept well, and so easy.

Ingredients 

• 4 teaspoons canola oil, divided
• 1/2 cup minced shallots
• 1/2 cup thinly sliced red bell pepper $
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• 4 teaspoons minced fresh garlic
• 1 pound ground chicken
• 2 Thai or serrano chiles, minced
• 1 tablespoon fish sauce
• 2 teaspoons dark brown sugar
• 2 teaspoons lower-sodium soy sauce
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• 1 cup basil leaves
• 1 tablespoon fresh lime juice
• 4 lime wedges

Preparation

1. 1. Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add 2 teaspoons oil to pan; swirl to coat. Add shallots; sauté 2 minutes. Add bell pepper; sauté 1 minute. Add garlic; sauté 30 seconds. Remove shallot mixture from pan.
2. 2. Add remaining 2 teaspoons oil to pan; swirl to coat. Add chicken; cook 5 minutes or until browned, stirring to crumble. Drain well. Return chicken to pan over medium heat. Add chiles; cook 1 minute. Add shallot mixture to pan. Stir in fish sauce and next 3 ingredients (through black pepper); cook 1 minute or until thoroughly heated. Remove pan from heat; stir in basil and juice. Serve with lime wedges.

TRY IT, TRY IT, TRY IT!!  this has quickly became one of my favesies :)