Among the Vegan Path

I was a vegetarian for ten years from the ages of 12 to 22.  Being a vegetarian was a large part of what began my eating disorder.  At first I started because of the animals – I couldn’t stomach eating something that had been killed, and I could become hysterically emotional at the thought.  My parents were very supportive, my mom made sure to always have food that I could eat with our family meals, and everything was fine. 

But, it didn’t stay fine.  Being vegetarian, in part, fed my eating disorder.  It started to become an excuse to not eat certain things I thought would make me fat.  Originally I didn’t want to eat meat because I didn’t want to eat an animal that had been killed.  But somehow that reason flew out the window, and my ideology became that of:  meat = fat = bad.  And before I knew it, I was eating an apple and maybe a rice cake a day and that was about it.  I downward spiraled fairly quickly, and ended up in rehab for five months.

My nutritionist and therapist in rehab brought up the possibility that being a vegetarian led to my eating disorder, and I can’t say I didn’t agree with them.  I took it as an excuse to eat only fruits and vegetables, no fat, little calories, you get the picture.  When I explained why I had initially became a vegetarian, and that I did not want to start eating meat, they worked with me on it.  They worked with me on a meal plan that would work within the confines of my feelings and beliefs.  But I still had meat = fat = bad in the back of my mind. 

But once out of rehab, I kept spiraling downward again.  I wasn’t staying full.  I was hungry all the time.  I wasn’t following my meal plan.  I was seeing a nutritionist at the time, and she started to suggest the idea of eating meat.  Then I woke up one day and started eating meat again after ten years of not – I was 22.

The animal rights thing was always in the back of my mind, but I tried to ignore it – and I’m ashamed to admit that.  Over these last 8 years, I still would eat numerous meals that did not include meat.  I guess maybe I thought it was okay if I didn't eat meat at every meal, everyday – so that was okay – right?  I have done my due diligence to use cleaners and other products that are not tested on animals – did that make me eating meat okay because at least I did that much?  I started to not eat lamb or veal because they were just babies.  And then I stopped eating pork because I had a thing for pigs – and I used to have a friend that had a pig as a pet, and I have Toby, so why was his pet less than mine?  Why is it okay to eat his pet, but he couldn’t eat Toby or the like?  Did you know that a pig can recognize and come to their name?  But then whenever I would drive and see cows, my heart ached for them.  Did you know that they can form a best friend for life?  And the baby chicks – the baby chicks for god sakes!!!  I was a hypocrite!!  But the cavemen did it, after all.  Was it in our blood?  Was it in our nature?  As Carrie Bradshaw would say, ‘I couldn’t help but wonder…’

The last couple years this has been weighing on my mind and heart, and even more so over the last year, and especially the last several months.  I think it started when I delved deeper and deeper into my yoga practice.  In class, we end every practice with ‘Namaste’, and I choose to say the whole prayer in my head -  all beings and pieces of the Universe are equal and one with each other.

 I honor the place in your in which the entire Universe dwells.

I honor the place in you which is of love and truth,

Light and peace.

When you are in that place in you,

And I am in that place in me,

We are one.

-Namaste-

As I continued to grow deeper into my practice, deeper into my meditation, I started to feel a greater connectivity to the Earth and all parts of the Universe around me – the grass, the sun, the sky, the stars, and all living beings (two footed, four footed, ).  I was no greater that you, or her, or him.  And I was no greater than my dog, Toby.  I was no greater than other living beings, no matter how small

I started to progressively eat less and less meat.  Before I did eat a meal that included meat, I would pray and thank the Universe for the animal that gave its life for my nourishment.  And then one day recently, as I was saying this ‘thanks’, I thought to myself – my nourishment?  I don’t have to eat meat to be healthy.  I don’t need to eat meat to get protein. I certainly didn’t enjoy the fact that an animal died for me to eat it.  People eat dogs in other countries – when I thought about that, I looked down at Toby and was just repulsed by the thought of someone eating a dog like him.  But why was Toby more significant than a cow, chicken, pig, turkey, fish, or whatever.  Toby isn’t, and neither was I.  Why the hell was I fighting this decision?  I couldn’t justify me eating meat or animal products any longer.

The idea of becoming a vegan was weighing on me, but I was scared – this in large part triggered my eating disorder years ago and I didn’t want to even dance on that line again – I had come so far.  I meditated on it.  I prayed about it.  I talked to some vegan friends I have about it.  I spoke with my parents about it, and addressed any concerns they might have (considering my past).  I thought about the reasons I wanted to do this, and they far outweighed anything else that crossed my mind.  And through that, I realized how strong I was and how far I had come in my recovery.  I trusted myself.

And so, the decision to make this move fully came to fruition about tend days ago now I think.  It hasn’t been long, but I feel great.  It hasn't been a hard transition at all – my grocery cart was already about 90% produce (I’ve always been quite the rabbit, or so my parents used to call me).  I’m not any hungrier than I was before.  I do have a couple more steps to take, but I’m almost there.  I don’t miss it, and certainly don’t carry the guilt that I had previously.  I still have plenty of energy when I’m running.  I’m sleeping just the same.  I really feel no different, other than the fact that I am at peace just a bit more than I was before.

Being a vegetarian or vegan is not for everyone, and I certainly don’t plan on pushing it on anyone or anything like that.  Everyone’s choices and beliefs are different and shaped by their own personal experiences.  I haven’t gone around preaching my decision to everyone around me, but I did choose to write this blog post to share my thoughts and to answer the question as to ‘why’ that some have asked me.  It has been a progressive move for me, and has just become part of the path my life is taking.

‘No animal needs to die in order for me to live.  And that makes me feel good.’

-          Howard Lynan