He's Just Not That Into You (a reflection on the movie)

I’ve watched this movie so many times, it is saved on my DVR to watch at my leisure, and whenever it is on TV I will stop what I’m doing to watch it.  Have you ever been watching TV and you’re, like, so embarrassed for one of the characters you kinda shield your eyes when they do something stupid?  I’m like that with Gigi in this movie.  That girl, that girl, that girl… But, I digress…

In this movie, they go over some very valid points and lessons of dating, all of which are true.  Gigi also mentions that these are the 'rule's, and rarely are there 'exception' - hence the token phrase, 'the exception, not the rule'  I’ve encountered most of them personally, especially over the last years and the array of guys I’ve gone out with (I swear, I’ve had more first and second dates these last three years than I care to count), but have also witness them with my friends over the years.  I’ve given advice to a couple friends recently about some of this stuff.  These lessons are in a fictional movie, but every single one of them is true.  They are as follows, and apply to girls and guys (so kinda ignore the pronouns):

‘He’s not asking you out.  Because trust me, if he likes you, he’ll ask you out.’

This idea seems plain and simple enough, but it’s not well received.  When you like someone and they don’t ask you out, they don’t like you – plain and simple.  When we really like someone we can convince ourselves they like us too, when they really don’t.  And then we’ll try and come up with some reason they aren’t asking us out – they’re scared, I make them nervous, I’m intimidating, etc.  But when someone is interested, they’ll ask you out or at least make it known they’re interested.  If they don’t ask you out, they aren’t interested.

**Sidenote:  Be cognizant of ‘being on the hook’.  This means that you are someone’s back-up.  They flirt with you, kinda keep you around, and kinda want to make sure you’re interested just in case someone else doesn’t pan out.  This sounds horrible, but admit it – most of us have done it.  I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’ve done it.  Someone may flirt with you, send you cute texts, whatever, but if they aren’t asking you out, you are ‘on the hook.’

‘He’s not calling (or texting these days) – men know how to use the phone.’

One thing I’ve learned after all the first and second dates I’ve been on the last three years is that not all first dates will lead to a second, not all second dates will lead to a third, and so on.  Feelings change  – as much as you are attracted to the other person, how much y’all flirt, how much you think it is gonna work out, chances are it won’t.  Sometimes I’ve gone on a first date with someone I ‘have a good feeling about’, and then during the date I think to myself, ‘what the hell was I thinking??’  You build something up so big in your mind, and then wonder what the hell happened when you realize it isn't so.  Or I’ve gone out with someone I’ve known for a while, and then I realize we’re best as friends – and in these instances, get out fast – otherwise, you run the risk of losing that friendship.

If they don’t call or text you anymore, or start to ‘phase you out’, they aren’t interested.  If they want to go out with you again, they will ask you out again, and ideally make plans at the end of the previous date (when they do this, they are REALLY interested).  And if someone doesn’t want to see you again, of course it’s preferable if they just say, ‘Look – I’m just not feeling it.’  Unfortunately this doesn’t always happen.  I think the most common method is the ‘phase out’.  We always think it’s shitty when someone phases us out, but admit it – you’ve done it yourself.  It’s the easier, non-confrontational route.  I’ve told a guy ‘I’m just not feeling it’, but I’ve also done the phase out.  You begin to become shorter in your text replies.  You start to become more indifferent than you were before.  You try and put them in the 'friendzone'.  Then you don’t reply right away, maybe miss a text of two and don’t respond on purpose hoping they’ll get the hint, but eventually the other party should get it.  If they don’t, then you can’t really help them at that point, and you gotta be blunt and spell it out.

‘He’s not dating you – I’m not ready for a relationship means he’s not ready for a relationship with you.’

I have a friend who recently went through something like this.  He went out with this girl a few times and he really liked her – he thought they were going to have this long-term relationship, she was throwing him all the signs, he was falling for her, she told him at one point she felt the same way, etc.  As things started to get more serious, she told him that she wasn’t ready for a relationship, had a lot of family drama going on at the moment, etc.  When I told him the cold hard truth, he said, ‘Maybe she does just have a lot going on right now.  She’s said she wants the same thing, she said we’re on the same page.  Maybe she really isn’t ready right now.  But she REALLY likes me - SHE TOLD ME SO!’  He was trying to find excuses and didn’t want to admit that she just didn’t want to be with him.

No.  People, when someone tells you this, it’s bullshit.  It’s not that they aren’t ‘ready for a relationship’, they just don’t want a relationship with you.  When you hear this from someone you’ve grown to really like, it stings, sure – you just gotta recognize the truth and walk it off.  And surprise surprise, this girl was in a relationship with another guy almost immediately after she started to phase my friend out.  He was confused, then started analyzing every little thing that had happened, wondered ‘why’, what did he do wrong, and what did this guy have that he didn’t.  She just liked him more than she liked you.  It’s hard to hear and accept, but that’s just how it is. 

Not matter what is going on in someone’s life, if they really like you, they will make it happen.  I don’t care what’s going on in life, if someone is recently divorced, if someone has an illness in the family, etc. – if they like you, they will be with you.  As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve made excuses too.  I’ve told a few people that I had a lot going on right now, I just wanted to focus on my running, I wasn’t ready, I didn’t want to date right now, etc.  But truth of the matter is, I just didn’t want to be in a relationship with them.

‘He only wants to see you when he’s drunk.’

He thinks of you as a booty call, nothing more.  That’s all I have to say about that one.  Don’t even pretend otherwise.

‘He’s breaking up with you – I don’t want to go out with you means just that.’

Uh, yea.  And I can reference the point before the last one (he’s not dating you).  Lots of times someone will break up with you and use the line, ‘I’m just not ready for this yet.  I have a lot going on right now.  You deserve more than me.  I’m so envious of the person that ends up with you.’  No – they’re not interested anymore, don’t feed into the bullshit, walk it off, move on.  Not all relationships will last, not all relationships are meant to be long-term.  You learn more about a person the more time you spend with them, and oftentimes you learn stuff you don’t like.  It happens.

I’ve had friends over the years that find themselves in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, or in a marriage for the sake of being in a marriage.  All of their friends are married, engaged, or in a serious relationship.  You meet someone, like them okay, so it seems like a good idea at the time.  But you fight all the time.  They get on your nerves.  Every little thing they do begins to drive you crazy.  But it’s comfortable, convenient, etc.  Folks, cut your losses and get out.  I’ve been stuck in a relationship like this before, and it’s miserable.  We stayed together for financial convenience, we were comfortable around each other, we shared furniture and splitting everything up seemed like such a pain in the ass, and we shared the same friends.  Then one night over lasagna, we were just like, ‘what the hell are we doing?’  So, we split up.  We got over it.  And now we are such good friends.  I recognize that the longer someone has been together, the harder this will be (there might be kids involved, financial ties, property, etc.).  But it’s always better for all involved to end things, and then after time, you will feel a tremendous weight off your shoulders (hopefully).

On another note, if you don’t like how a person is EXACTLY how they are, don’t get in or stay in a relationship thinking, a) you can change them, or b) they will change on their own, or c) ‘but they’re really hot’.  We are how we are, and if someone doesn’t like it (preferable adore it), they aren’t the one for you.  If you fool yourself into thinking this, and/or ignore any red flags, it’s going to end and most likely won’t end well.  DON’T DO IT!  And ladies, don’t let a big diamond and money and a big wedding fool you into thinking someone is who they aren’t.  And people (mostly men – sorry, but it’s true), do NOT go after someone or most importantly stay with someone based on looks and sex alone.  Attraction and sex are important, yes, but if lust is all you have, what do you have at the end of the day to come home to?  Looks fade, but laughter and love can last forever – choose someone who challenges you, makes you want to be a better person, someone you can laugh and play with, someone you can converse openly and honestly with, someone who gets you and someone you get, and someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with. 

I have friends that come to me for love and relationship advice all the time, and sometimes I don’t get why – I’m not in a relationship, have been single for three years, and seem to have been a serial dater during this time.  But I guess I give good advice, or so I’ve been told – I’m the ‘go to girl’ for relationship advice for a couple of my close friends.  It’s kinda flattering, to be honest.  All the time people ask me why I’ve been single for so long – how is it that I haven’t met someone yet?  Well, I’m so happy with where and who I am right now.  I love my life, and have never been happier.  So, yea, I’ve dated a lot but I haven’t met anyone worth my time or met someone I want to invite into my life.  When I meet them, I’ll know it.  It just hasn’t happened yet, and I am not going to settle. 

I’ve seen what happens when you settle, and I’m not about to find myself in some miserable relationship and full of regret years later.  I’ve seen what happens when someone places their personal happiness contingent on someone else, and this never ends well – and if you aren’t fully happy just being you, you don’t have much to offer a healthy relationship.  I also always go with my gut – if I get any red flags or have a feeling like something isn’t right, I’m out right away.  My parents got engaged two weeks after they met – two weeks!!  That seems  ludicrous – who does that?  I’ve asked my mom before, ‘why would you say ‘yes’ to a guy you just met?’  And her answer was simple – she knew in her gut that my Daddy was the one for her.  I’ve asked my Daddy why he would propose to a woman he just met, and he said the same thing, and then told me that once you know someone is the one, you want to start the rest of your life right away.  Awww, how cute J  All their friends thought they were crazy (and I think they were nuts), and they’ve even told me if I do something like that I’m in trouble (hypocrites, but chances are I won’t), but they just celebrated their 37^th wedding anniversary and are incredibly happy after all that time.  That is remarkable. 

And I’ll part with a few closing words… Recognize what’s right in front of you – if they aren’t calling or texting or asking you out, they aren’t’ interested.  Cut your losses as soon as you know something isn’t right, walk it off, and move on.  First dates don’t always result in some long-lasting and meaningful relationship – dating is about playing the field, and trial and error.  Sometimes friendships turn into relationships, and relationships turn into friendships – open your eyes to what is right in front of you.  Be honest with yourself, and with others.  And most importantly, go with your gut – your gut does not lie.

do vegans swallow??

i came across this article on elephant journal, and it kinda got me thinking about some stuff and reflecting upon a decision that i have made myself since making the move to veganism.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2010/06/do-vegans-swallow/

last year after i made the move to being a full time vegan, i went to a nutritionist.  i knew my parents would be a bit more appeased if i were to go, i wanted to make sure i was still getting all the protein and amino acids i need (especially with me being a runner), and i wanted to trim up a bit.  on my first visit, carly asked if i would be open to eating any animal protein at all.  chicken?  no.  fish?  no.  whey protein powder?  no.  eggs?  hmm... interesting concept... eggs.  i told her i was open to it under a couple very important circumstances.  first of all, only if the chickens were on a private 'farm' type of setting or on a large piece of land that they could roam free.  second of all, if the owner did not slaughter or sell them for slaughter.  and third of all, if the owner treated them no different than they did their domestic pet.  i also talked to a few vegetarians and vegans about the idea, and the ones i talked to were surprisingly supportive of the idea as well.

and so i went on the search.  carly told me about this farm in town, i forget the name.  the chickens do have a ton of room to run around.  these chickens have an excellent quality of life, well taken care of by the family and staff that runs the farm, and have open access to huge open fields.  so i called them to learn more, and to find out if they slaughter.  the chickens did appear to have an amazing quality of life, but once their hens stop producing, off with their heads.  they are 'humanely' killed and processed, and the meat is frozen and sent to starving families in africa.  while i think it is admirable to do so much to help the hungry, i do not believe in the killing an animal just because they are not financially viable to you anymore.  they also raised chickens and turkeys for meat and to be, once again, 'humanely' slaughtered.  their website even had special advertisements around thanksgiving.  so, this farm was out.  i will not spend my money on and promote an organization that slaughters.

so then i went on the search to find a person who had chickens, and met the requirements i had.  i talked to several people, all of which had chickens running around their backyard, but only had a few hens that produced just enough eggs for them.  i was hitting dead end after dead end.  and then i was told about a woman with my running group who had chickens and supplied many runners at rogue with their eggs.

stephanie and her family live on a large piece of land in dripping springs.  she has several farm animals, some of which are rescues.  she also has a lot of chickens that produce eggs not just for her family, but enough for a lot of other people as well.  stephanie herself is mostly vegetarian.  when i talked to her about her chickens, she referred to them as her 'babies'.  she doesn't treat them (or any of her other animals) any different than we treat our dogs or cats, in fact she treats them better than i'm sure many dogs and cats are treated.  the more i talked to her, and the more i did research on the biological process of hens laying eggs, i was comfortable eating the eggs.

there are some that think eggs are aborted fetuses.  how dare we eat them?  we are eating the potential of life, and preventing a life that was to be.  why would we abort these baby chickens, fry them up, and eat them alongside bacon?  it was horrible, reprehensible.  and i admit i used to assume the same, but then when i did more research (and it was quite extensive, including talking to a vet), i learned i was wrong.

the eggs chickens lay are unfertilized eggs.  the act of chickens laying eggs is basically no different than us getting our period or other mammals going into heat.  we get our period every month, in short, because we didn't get pregnant.  but then when our eggs are fertilized, we don't get our period for 9 or 10 months while we are growing this baby.  chickens carry the same principle.  chickens still lay the eggs, but instead they sit on them until they hatch.  when you crack these eggs, even early in the process, the inside looks much different than the unfertilized ones.  when you have roosters running around with hens, there will be some eggs around that are fertilized.  just like our society in which you have men and women running around having sex, some pregnancies will result  but if you don't allow a rooster to have access to them (just like if we were to restrain from sex), all eggs they lay will be unfertilized and safe for us to eat.

now some vegetarians/vegans may come in with this argument, and i've heard it before - but those eggs are the possibility of life.  and then you kinda need to make sure those proposing this principle are pro-life.  an aborted human fetus is also the possibility of life.  so unless they are strongly pro-life, one could conclude their argument is invalid because we view animals as equals as us humans.  so then if i am confronted by a vegetarian/vegan who is pro-choice, i have another argument.  we have our periods because we don't get pregnant.  i hate to get graphic, but what we shed and expel is basically the potential of life.  what a man, um, expels is also the possibility of life.  so is every emission that doesn't result in a pregnancy considered murder or, as elle woods in legally blonde claims, reckless abandonment?  and i could go on.  people that find oral sex offensive, shield your eyes from the rest of the paragraph.  this is also the alluded idea in the elephant journal article (hence the title, 'do vegans swallow?').  this emission of a man's, um, capabilities results from oral sex.  ladies, if you choose to swallow this, is this cannibalism?  after all, all the little swimmers are the possibility of life.  if we are swallowing them, therefore not allowing them to seek an egg, are we committing murder?  and this is commonplace among the sexually active, including the vegan/vegetarian community.

no, we obviously are not.  this sexual practice is not murder.  having our periods every month is not the reprehensible denial of a life that could be.  the sperm never sought an egg, and in the situation of abstinence, never had the possibility.  our egg was never fertilized.  same principle with hens, but their eggs are exceptionally more edible than us women's.  this is the same principle.  the hens are going to lay their unfertilized eggs, whether we choose to eat them or not.  it is a hen's body's natural body process, just like us.  if they are not eaten, they go bad and are then no longer of any use at all.  since a rooster did not have access to them, in my eyes us not having sex, those eggs are all going to be unfertilized, just as ours are going to be if we do not have sex or if sex does not result in a pregnancy.

i was watching the documentary vegucated (which i recommend to you), and one of the ladies in the film said something that rang true to me.  veganism is not some religion or cult, it is simply about the reduction and end of suffering.  and to me that's what it is.  i choose to not eat the flesh of animals.  i choose to not eat dairy.  forcing the lactation of a cow that is not nursing her own calf is not a natural body process, just as forcing my lactation for anyone other than my baby is not a natural body process.  and if she is nursing her own calf, i'm not going to take that milk from her baby.  i wouldn't want someone to take my milk for someone else.  forcing lactation causes stress on the cow, stress on her body, is not a natural biological process, and the stress can even cause her life to be shorter than it would otherwise.  but i fall short on a reason to not eat the eggs under the circumstances and for the reasons noted above.

there was another interesting point brought up by the article.  since us vegans are vehemently against corporate farming and the raising of animals for slaughter, and if we were all vegan, would there be farm animals at all?  would they become endangered or extinct?  should we not have cows and chickens and pigs and goats and lambs and sheep?  i don't necessarily think so, but we'd have far less for damn sure.  we would not force these animals to continually be pregnant, only to take their babies to kill them just like their parents' demise.  instead we would have them in the sense i have toby.  i've had a few friends over the years with a pet pig.

i've read a lot about sanctuaries that rescue farm animals, largely from these huge abusive corporate farms.  these sanctuaries save these animals, nurse them back to health, rid them of the trauma, raise them, and let them carry on the remainder of their now happy lives.  these animals are literally smiling - i've seen it.  they are so happy and fulfilled it brings tears to my eyes.  these animals are treated no different than we treat our dogs and cats.  and to me, these sanctuaries are no different than dog or cat rescues - they take orphaned or abused animals to take care of and/or to place in happy and healthy homes.  one day i would love to live outside of town and have lots of land to do the same - i want to rescue all the animals that i can.  i want to take care of an orphaned calf whose mother may have been killed for hamburger meat, and was perhaps to be sold for veal.  i want to rescue a few pigs that were about to be electrocuted.  i want to take chickens who can barely walk because their bodies grew too big too fast from all the hormones they were pumped with, their legs can't hold their own body weight, nurse them back to health, make them strong, and let them live out the rest of their life happy.  i want to rescue orphaned lambs on their way to the slaughterhouse.  saving these animals and affecting their quality of life would give me so much joy.  making a difference, no matter how small, would bring a permanent smile to my face.  would i allow them to breed?   not unless it happens naturally, just as we become pregnant naturally.  here are some of these amazing places if you want to check them out.

http://www.gentlebarn.org/

http://www.farmsanctuary.org/

http://rockyridgerefuge.com/

eat and run

I read this book from start to finish while flying to Alaska.  Scott Jurek previously came out with Born to Run, and then came out with Eat and Run – both books are awesome reads, and not just for the running community.

Jurek grew up hunting and basically eating a meat and potato diet – few vegetables, lots of meat, lots of dairy.  He wasn’t that active when he was younger, but started becoming more active when he was in high school by joining the ski team, and then started running.  He loved running – started to get strong, started running more and more. 

He began to tweak his diet by eating more vegetables, and slowly started cutting back on meat and other animal products.  He was shocked by how much better he felt – he assumed he needed meat, needed animal protein, to be a strong and fast distance runner.  He was wrong – he found energy and strength from holding a more plant-based diet.  Over time, he found his way to veganism.

Jurek isn’t just a distance runner, he’s an ultra-marathoner.  And not only is he an ultra-marathoner, he wins them, he sets records.  He’s run dozens of ultras, and runs at least 100 miles a week.  He’s fast, he’s strong.

Before finding my way to veganism, I ate healthy and clean.  I ate a largely plant-based diet, but was eating meat and dairy on a regular basis.  Last year I slowly cut out animal products, and have had a Vegan diet since the end of September – never felt better.  I felt great before, and had no idea there was that much room to feel better than I did before.  I have more energy.  I’m sleeping better.  My blood levels and vitals were stellar before, and now they’re even more so.  Without offering too much information, I’ll just say my digestive system has never been more on point.  I’m lighter, I’m leaner, I’m tighter, I’m stronger, I’m getting faster.  The effects are astounding.

I get so many questions from people about my veganism – aren’t you hungry all the time?  But what do you eat?  How do you live without bacon?   Aren’t you lethargic all the time?  But how do you get your protein?  I’m hungry a lot, yes – but no more so than before.  Running 30 to 50 miles a week will make you hungry.  I actually stay full longer because I’m eating five times a day instead of three (as advised by my nutritionist).  And my plant-based meals keep me full.  And I eat lots of stuff!  I luckily grew up with a mom who cooked lots of different kinds of food for us, and made sure we acquired a taste for grains, veggies, and fruit.  So, I eat lots of food, all different kinds.  How do I live without bacon?  Well, that was actually one of the first meats I cut out.  I was never a big ham and bacon person, and once I discovered pigs are as intelligent as dogs, I threw that out the window without looking back.  And I’m not lethargic all the time – in fact I’ve never had so much energy.  And I get my protein from lots of places.  There are so many plants and grains and legumes that are packed with protein that I think a lot of people don’t realize.  I have my struggles, sure – but when I’m tempted, or feel myself craving milk chocolate, I think of the reasons I became a vegan and the craving subsides.

People find their way to Veganism for different reasons – my reasons are ethical and environmental, and the health benefits are a bonus.  Jurek became a vegan for the sheer health benefits and how it affected his performance as an athlete – the ethical and environmental reasons came a bit later, but he is still largely a vegan because of the health benefits. 

Last week I posted an interesting article on my Facebook page about the rise of Veganism – check it out below:

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-12876/why-veganism-is-taking-over-the-world-infographic.html

There has been a significant spike in the popularity of holding a plant-based diet as people discover the multitude of benefits is holds – it is an easy way to affect your life, the world, and the lives of animals.  The US population of vegans has more than doubled in the last three years.  The percentage of meat consumed by Americans is falling – we consumed over 12% less meat in 2012 that we did five years prior.  Wow!  Those are some awesome stats!  Other than the benefits for animals and the environment, think of the health benefits if we continued to raise this awareness!  Our children would be more educated and healthy.  We would be healthier for future generations.  Fast food chains would be less.  As the demand for fresh produce would grow, we would see the rise of more private and organic farms.  I’m not trying to force my agenda on someone, and not trying to be some militant vegan – but I would like to be a part of the movement of educating others on the benefits of eating a more plant-based diet.  I’m not even saying to become a Vegan.  Just cutting out meat of a few meals a week make a huge difference – to your health, to the environment, and to the lives of animals. 

This article also suggests documentaries cover mostly the health benefits of a more plant-based diet. If you want to Netflix some of the movies, I recommend Vegucated, Forks over Knives (also a good book that my dad actually wanted for Christmas), and Supersize Me. Vegucated is quite entertaining - challenges big meat-eaters to maintain a vegan diet for several weeks, and highlights some of the realistic challenges we face. Forks over Knives covers the benefits of eating more of a plant-based diet. And Supersize Me (went totally viral) follows a guy who eats only McDonalds for 30 days, every meal, every drink, and covers the decline in health he faced over this period of time.  There are a few others that have some grotesque footage and images of animals at slaughterhouses if you’re interested in those, which I do encourage others to watch – but forewarning, they are graphic and extremely hard to watch.  In fact, over 42% of vegans became vegan after watching a video like these they are so powerful.  Ignorance can be bliss.

Eat and Run is a great book, article is a good and quick read, and the documentaries listed are enlightening and eye-opening.

That is all for now, Zoe signing off.