I’ve watched this movie so many times, it is saved on my DVR
to watch at my leisure, and whenever it is on TV I will stop what I’m doing to
watch it. Have you ever been watching TV
and you’re, like, so embarrassed for one of the characters you kinda shield
your eyes when they do something stupid?
I’m like that with Gigi in this movie.
That girl, that girl, that girl… But, I digress…
In this movie, they go over some very valid points and
lessons of dating, all of which are true. Gigi also mentions that these are the 'rule's, and rarely are there 'exception' - hence the token phrase, 'the exception, not the rule' I’ve encountered most of them personally, especially over the last years
and the array of guys I’ve gone out with (I swear, I’ve had more first and
second dates these last three years than I care to count), but have also witness them with my friends over the years. I’ve given advice to a couple friends
recently about some of this stuff. These
lessons are in a fictional movie, but every single one of them is true. They are as follows, and apply to girls and
guys (so kinda ignore the pronouns):
‘He’s not asking you out.
Because trust me, if he likes you, he’ll ask you out.’
This idea seems plain
and simple enough, but it’s not well received.
When you like someone and they don’t ask you out, they don’t like you –
plain and simple. When we really like
someone we can convince ourselves they like us too, when they really don’t. And then we’ll try and come up with some
reason they aren’t asking us out – they’re scared, I make them nervous, I’m
intimidating, etc. But when someone is interested, they’ll ask you out or at least
make it known they’re interested. If they
don’t ask you out, they aren’t interested.
**Sidenote: Be cognizant of ‘being on the hook’. This means that you are someone’s back-up. They flirt with you, kinda keep you around,
and kinda want to make sure you’re interested just in case someone else doesn’t
pan out. This sounds horrible, but admit
it – most of us have done it. I’m
ashamed to admit it, but I’ve done it. Someone
may flirt with you, send you cute texts, whatever, but if they aren’t asking
you out, you are ‘on the hook.’
‘He’s not calling (or texting these days) – men know how to
use the phone.’
One thing I’ve learned
after all the first and second dates I’ve been on the last three years is that
not all first dates will lead to a second, not all second dates will lead to a
third, and so on. Feelings change – as much as you are attracted to the other
person, how much y’all flirt, how much you think it is gonna work out, chances
are it won’t. Sometimes I’ve gone on a
first date with someone I ‘have a good feeling about’, and then during the date
I think to myself, ‘what the hell was I thinking??’ You build something up so big in your mind, and then wonder what the hell happened when you realize it isn't so. Or I’ve gone out with someone I’ve known for
a while, and then I realize we’re best as friends – and in these instances, get
out fast – otherwise, you run the risk of losing that friendship.
If they don’t call or
text you anymore, or start to ‘phase you out’, they aren’t interested. If they want to go out with you again, they
will ask you out again, and ideally make plans at the end of the previous date
(when they do this, they are REALLY interested). And if someone doesn’t want to see you again, of course it’s preferable if they just say, ‘Look – I’m just not feeling it.’ Unfortunately this doesn’t always
happen. I think the most common method
is the ‘phase out’. We always think it’s
shitty when someone phases us out, but admit it – you’ve done it yourself. It’s the easier, non-confrontational route. I’ve told a guy ‘I’m just not feeling it’,
but I’ve also done the phase out. You begin
to become shorter in your text replies. You
start to become more indifferent than you were before. You try and put them in the 'friendzone'. Then you don’t reply right away, maybe miss a
text of two and don’t respond on purpose hoping they’ll get the hint, but
eventually the other party should get it.
If they don’t, then you can’t really help them at that point, and you
gotta be blunt and spell it out.
‘He’s not dating you – I’m not ready for a relationship
means he’s not ready for a relationship with you.’
I have a friend who
recently went through something like this.
He went out with this girl a few times and he really liked her – he thought
they were going to have this long-term relationship, she was throwing him all
the signs, he was falling for her, she told him at one point she felt the same
way, etc. As things started to get more
serious, she told him that she wasn’t ready for a relationship, had a lot of
family drama going on at the moment, etc.
When I told him the cold hard truth, he said, ‘Maybe she does just have
a lot going on right now. She’s said she
wants the same thing, she said we’re on the same page. Maybe she really isn’t ready right now. But she REALLY likes me - SHE TOLD ME SO!’ He was trying to find excuses and didn’t want
to admit that she just didn’t want to be with him.
No. People, when someone tells you this, it’s
bullshit. It’s not that they aren’t ‘ready
for a relationship’, they just don’t want a relationship with you. When you hear this from someone you’ve grown
to really like, it stings, sure – you just gotta recognize the truth and walk
it off. And surprise surprise, this girl
was in a relationship with another guy almost immediately after she started to
phase my friend out. He was confused,
then started analyzing every little thing that had happened, wondered ‘why’, what
did he do wrong, and what did this guy have that he didn’t. She just liked him more than she liked
you. It’s hard to hear and accept, but
that’s just how it is.
Not matter what is
going on in someone’s life, if they really like you, they will make it
happen. I don’t care what’s going on in life, if someone is recently divorced, if someone has an illness in the family,
etc. – if they like you, they will be with you.
As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve made excuses too. I’ve told a few people that I had a lot going on right
now, I just wanted to focus on my running, I wasn’t ready, I didn’t want to
date right now, etc. But truth of the matter
is, I just didn’t want to be in a relationship with them.
‘He only wants to see you when he’s drunk.’
He thinks of you as a
booty call, nothing more. That’s all I have
to say about that one. Don’t even
pretend otherwise.
‘He’s breaking up with you – I don’t want to go out with you
means just that.’
Uh, yea. And I can reference the
point before the last one (he’s not dating you). Lots of times someone will break up with you
and use the line, ‘I’m just not ready for this yet. I have a lot going on right now. You deserve more than me. I’m so envious of the person that ends up
with you.’ No – they’re not interested
anymore, don’t feed into the bullshit, walk it off, move on. Not all relationships will last, not all
relationships are meant to be long-term.
You learn more about a person the more time you spend with them, and
oftentimes you learn stuff you don’t like.
It happens.
I’ve had friends over the years that find themselves in a relationship
for the sake of being in a relationship, or in a marriage for the sake of being in a marriage.
All of their friends are married, engaged, or in a serious
relationship. You meet someone, like
them okay, so it seems like a good idea at the time. But you fight all the time. They get on your nerves. Every little thing they do begins to drive
you crazy. But it’s comfortable,
convenient, etc. Folks, cut your losses
and get out. I’ve been stuck in a
relationship like this before, and it’s miserable. We stayed together for financial convenience,
we were comfortable around each other, we shared furniture and splitting
everything up seemed like such a pain in the ass, and we shared the same
friends. Then one night over lasagna, we
were just like, ‘what the hell are we doing?’
So, we split up. We got over
it. And now we are such good friends. I recognize that the longer someone has been
together, the harder this will be (there might be kids involved, financial ties, property, etc.). But it’s always better for all involved to
end things, and then after time, you will feel a tremendous weight off your
shoulders (hopefully).
On another note, if you don’t like how a person is EXACTLY how they
are, don’t get in or stay in a relationship thinking, a) you can change
them, or b) they will change on their own, or c) ‘but they’re really hot’. We are how we are, and if someone doesn’t
like it (preferable adore it), they aren’t the one for you. If
you fool yourself into thinking this, and/or ignore any red flags, it’s going
to end and most likely won’t end well.
DON’T DO IT! And ladies, don’t
let a big diamond and money and a big wedding fool you into thinking someone is
who they aren’t. And people (mostly men –
sorry, but it’s true), do NOT go after someone or most importantly stay with
someone based on looks and sex alone.
Attraction and sex are important, yes, but if lust is all you have, what
do you have at the end of the day to come home to? Looks fade, but laughter and love can last
forever – choose someone who challenges you, makes you want to be a better
person, someone you can laugh and play with, someone you can converse openly
and honestly with, someone who gets you and someone you get, and someone you
genuinely enjoy spending time with.
I have friends that come to me for
love and relationship advice all the time, and sometimes I don’t get why – I’m
not in a relationship, have been single for three years, and seem to have been
a serial dater during this time. But I guess
I give good advice, or so I’ve been told – I’m the ‘go to girl’ for relationship
advice for a couple of my close friends.
It’s kinda flattering, to be honest.
All the time people ask me why I’ve been single for so long – how is it
that I haven’t met someone yet? Well, I’m
so happy with where and who I am right now.
I love my life, and have never been happier. So, yea, I’ve dated a lot but I haven’t met
anyone worth my time or met someone I want to invite into my life. When I meet them, I’ll know it. It just hasn’t happened yet, and I am not
going to settle.
I’ve seen what happens when you
settle, and I’m not about to find myself in some miserable relationship and full of regret years later. I’ve seen what happens when someone places
their personal happiness contingent on someone else, and this never ends well –
and if you aren’t fully happy just being you, you don’t have much to offer a
healthy relationship. I also always go
with my gut – if I get any red flags or have a feeling like something isn’t
right, I’m out right away. My parents got engaged
two weeks after they met – two weeks!! That
seems ludicrous – who does that? I’ve asked my mom before, ‘why would you say ‘yes’
to a guy you just met?’ And her answer
was simple – she knew in her gut that my Daddy was the one for her. I’ve asked my Daddy why he would propose to a
woman he just met, and he said the same thing, and then told me that once you
know someone is the one, you want to start the rest of your life right
away. Awww, how cute J All their friends thought they were crazy
(and I think they were nuts), and they’ve even told me if I do something like
that I’m in trouble (hypocrites, but chances are I won’t), but they just
celebrated their 37th wedding anniversary and are incredibly happy
after all that time. That is
remarkable.
And I’ll part with a few closing
words… Recognize what’s right in front of you – if they aren’t calling or
texting or asking you out, they aren’t’ interested. Cut your losses as soon as you know something
isn’t right, walk it off, and move on.
First dates don’t always result in some long-lasting and meaningful
relationship – dating is about playing the field, and trial and error. Sometimes friendships turn into relationships,
and relationships turn into friendships – open your eyes to what is right in
front of you. Be honest with yourself,
and with others. And most importantly,
go with your gut – your gut does not lie.
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