a paranoid hypochondriac

i wrote this the other day, but feeling much better now :)

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I’m beginning to wonder if I am a paranoid hypochondriac.  I think I’ve always been somewhat of a paranoid and moderately anxious person, but certain life experiences have made me even more so and recently it’s gotten worse.

When I first moved to Austin, I was downtown with some friends.  I drove there by myself to meet them, so I parked by myself in a lot somewhere.  When I was walking back to my car at the end of the night, I noticed this guy behind me.  I picked up the pace and hauled ass to my car, got in, and locked the doors.  As I was putting my seatbelt on, I hear this knock on my window and it was the guy.  He even pulled my door handle trying to get in.  I backed up the car real quick to get out of there, but then he threw himself on my hood.  I started to move and he finally got off somewhat by the force of my car, but it freaked me the fuck out!!  I recounted the story to my dad later and he told me that if that ever happened again to plow the guy over and we’d deal with it later.  Needless to say, that was the last time I ever walked to my car alone and unattended downtown late at night.

In my early adulthood, I had some sexual trauma from men – I won’t get into details, but it happened and it sucked.  It took me a long time to face it, deal with it, and recognize that the resulting fear was somewhat running my life more than I had originally thought.  At any rate, these experiences left me fearing men and fearing being raped.  I’ve gotten better, but I still feel like I am looking over my shoulder everywhere I go.  I imagine I will always be somewhat hypervigilant about this, but I’m okay with that.  I’d rather be very aware and maybe ‘paranoid’ of my surroundings than find myself in a situation where I could be hurt again.

A couple or three years ago, word spread in the Austin running community of all these attacks on women.  This unknown man was attacking female runners.  And not attacking them in the middle of the night around a darkened corner – he attacked a woman at Barton Springs at 1^st Street at 7am when the sun was out!  This guy was ballsy.  Year before last on New Year’s Eve, a woman was killed in my neighborhood at 31^st and Lamar by a man who was waiting for her in her house!  I live in a safe neighborhood – a very safe neighborhood in Austin.  Yet this woman was brutally stabbed in her house just blocks from my apartment.  It was later discovered that this man was the same man attacking the runners and he later killed himself when he realized he was the subject of an angry, rampant manhunt.  There was a blanket of ease that covered the female running community, but it still lingers in the back of my mind. 

Because of these things, I am very aware of my surroundings at all time and strive to never put myself in a situation where I feel insecure and unsafe.  But sometimes I feel like I am too paranoid.  I am one of those people who checks behind their shower curtain and closet doors.  I double and triple check the doors are locked.  I have my keys out and am looking all around me when I walk out to my car at night.

So, that’s the paranoia in me for the most part.  Here comes the hypochondria…

I love my dog so much.  I have had Toby for over eleven years.  I got him when I was in rehab (the most vulnerable part of my life) when he was just eight weeks old.  He has been with me through everything, and that is a lot.  He is not ‘just a dog’ to me – he is my family, he is my heart.  I cannot imagine my life without him, and dread the day that is his last.  I tear up just thinking about it sometimes.  I drank a bit too much wine one night, and just held him and cried and told him, ‘Toby, when you’re ready to let go of life, you just go.  Please don’t make me put you down!’  I’m sure he looked at me like I was an idiot and his internal dog thought was like, ‘Mom, I’m still here.  Calm the hell down and sober up.’  Ever since he hit the double digits, I’m very aware of his mortality.  And every time I think something is wrong with him, I think that he’s dying or something.  His vet has reassured me, 'Toby is older, but he’s not old.’  And he is very healthy.  I take excellent care of him, and I lucked out because my dog loves fruits and vegetables.  Seriously – he acts like I’m feeding him a fried piece of bacon when I give him steamed broccoli.  His vet said that as long as I steer clear of a few things that make dogs sick, and give him straight fruits and veggies (no oil, spices, additives), to give them to Toby – they are healthy and aide in a dog’s longevity just like a human’s.  His breed also has a pretty long estimated lifespan.  But, at any rate – I’m very aware that Toby is in fact getting older and I will have to let him go one day.  I try my hardest not to think about it, but at times it will creep into my brain.  My Mimi just had to put her cat of twenty years down the other day, so of course it brought up some of this…

Which kinda brings me to a paranoia I have about my dog.  I often worry that something will happen to him while I’m out of the apartment at work or something.  For instance, my old downstairs neighbor was this careless kid who left his gas on one time.  I guess he was gone for a couple days, left the gas on the stove, and the smell was, like, penetrating the walls of my apartment.  I called the property manager, he let himself in, and the smell of gas was horrible.  And, to add to that, this particular individual would leave candles burning – I saw them through his window.  So, this flash of my apartment blowing up with Toby helpless inside flashed through my mind.  And whenever I leave the apartment, I make sure all my burners are off and any flat or curling iron unplugged, etc. (and I turn on Animal Planet for him J)

I have also formed a feeling of hypochondria toward my parents.  My mom just turned sixty, and my daddy is about to the first of May.  Over the years, I have watched them change.  They were my age when Aren and I were born, and so I have watched them get older over my thirty years.  I have watched my dad get ‘old people spots’ on his hands.  I have watched my daddy lose hair, and watched them turn gray.  I have watched wrinkles start to form.  I have also watched my grandparents age and die, and thus see my mom say goodbye to both of her parents and my dad let go of his dad. 

My mom most recently had to let go of her best friend of over thirty years, a woman I referred to as my godmother, our Judy.  Judy battled cancer for years, and lost her battle this last December – she was only sixty-two.  I watched my mom say goodbye to her dearest friend she’s known – a woman who was more like a close sister.  When I came back from rehab, and my family decided it best for me to move to Austin, Judy did not hesitate to tell my mom she would take care of me.  Wally and Judy took me in as one of their own – she cared for me during my most vulnerable time.  She has always been an extension of my own mother.  It was painful to say goodbye to her and let her go.  I think of her every day and will feel the pain of that loss for quite some time.  And as hard as it was for me to let her go, I cannot imagine what it must have been like for her children.  I am very close to her middle daughter, Abbie – and watching her go through that last month was hard.

Judy dying was a reminder of my parents’ own mortality – I will have to let them go one day.  I try not to think about it, but sometimes it creeps into my mind.  I can’t imagine having to live my life with my mom or my daddy – thinking of it brings a lump to my throat.  I feel this urge to protect them and make sure they are as healthy as possible, taking care of themselves, eating right, going to the doctor, etc.  I just want to take care of them and keep them happy and healthy and here for as long as I can and it makes me so sad to think of them not being here one day.  Last weekend I was in Dallas visiting and I mentioned something to my mom about me being sad when Toby dies (it was on my mind because my Mimi’s cat was about to die), and she very casually said, ‘Well, just think of it as practice for when me and Daddy die.’  How could she be so casual?

My mom works alongside a nurse who has breast cancer – and she is only 27.  Last year a friend mine I used to work with at Chuy’s was diagnosed with breast cancer, and she was in her early thirties (she’s great now).  Just a few days ago I learned that a girl I used to work with at Trudy’s was diagnosed with breast cancer, and she too is only in her early thirties.  My mom said that getting breast cancer so young is extremely rare (and I know that), but this just feeds my hypochondria and paranoia.  How can such young healthy people get so sick?

Over a year ago I went on birth control (of the pill variety).  I started having horrible chest pains – like, sharp pressure pains in my chest several times a day.  It was really freaking me out.  I went to the doctor and got all this work done, and everything came back great.  I get my blood checked regularly since I am a regular donor, and they said I was the poster child for cardiovascular health.  So what the hell was going on?  I was scared I was going to be one of these random young healthy people that had a heart attack or something.  I consulted with a cardiologist, but in the meantime the chest pains became less frequent.  I still wasn’t making the correlation until I went to the doctor for a follow up and we realized it was all the hormones in the birth control.  So, I guess I’m just one of the women that can’t do the pill.  I’m off it no, no chest pains.

I check my boobs when I’m in the shower, go to the doctor annually for lady checkups, and go to get mole checks at the dermatologist – I got that shit on lockdown.  But what about the other cancers and illnesses you can’t see outright?  You kinda have to wait until something weird happens and some symptom comes up.  But then what if it’s too late?  I did find out you can opt for a CT scan or MRI, but this would be an ‘optional’ procedure so health insurance won’t cover it.  How can one tell they’re sick when you can’t see it yet?

I talked to my mom a lot about this last night.  She said it’s natural for me to feel this way after finding out an old friend close to my age has cancer, and after losing Judy, Mimi putting down her cat, and all this other stuff.  I know I can’t live my life in fear, and I don’t want to.  I remembered today that being sad over something that hasn’t even happened and starting to mourn for my dog when he is still happy, healthy, and full of energy is such a waste.  I always emphasize the importance of living for today, show love to those around you, and don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future.  I’m trying to practice what I preach, although sometimes it is a struggle when certain things in life happen.  People and pets die, and sometimes before a time that we may deem ‘fair’.  But what’s funny about life is that it goes on.

the davinci code, religion, and spirituality

the last book i finished was 'the davinci code'.  this book is pretty long, and i plowed through it in 4 days - another book i could not put down. 

i found this book so interesting.  i understand why some christians may not like it (which i have heard from some), think there's no truth behind it, no validity, etc.  and that's fine.  i, however, think there is much truth to it and i think there would good messages behind the book.  one this is for sure, this book will  make you think.

so, quick summary from one of my old college favorites, spark notes (if you've read the book, feel free to skip over the below itallics):

In the Louvre, a monk of Opus Dei named Silas apprehends Jacques Saunière, the museum’s curator, and demands to know where the Holy Grail is. After Saunière tells him, Silas shoots him and leaves him to die. However, Saunière has lied to Silas about the Grail’s location. Realizing that he has only a few minutes to live and that he must pass on his important secret, Saunière paints a pentacle on his stomach with his own blood, draws a circle with his blood, and drags himself into the center of the circle, re-creating the position of Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man. He also leaves a code, a line of numbers, and two lines of text on the ground in invisible ink.

A police detective, Jerome Collet, calls Robert Langdon, the story’s protagonist and a professor of symbology, and asks him to come to the Louvre to try to interpret the scene. Langdon does not yet realize that he himself is suspected of the murder.

After murdering Saunière, Silas calls the “Teacher” and tells him that, according to Saunière, the keystone is in the Church of Saint-Sulpice in Paris. The Teacher sends Silas there. Silas follows Saunière’s clues to the keystone’s location and discovers that he has been tricked. In a fit of rage, he kills Sister Sandrine Bieil, the church’s keeper and a sentry for the Priory of Sion. At the Louvre, Langdon meets Jerome Collet and Bezu Fache, the police captain, and realizes that the two policemen suspect him of the murder.

Sophie Neveu, an agent of the department of cryptology and Saunière’s granddaughter, arrives at the crime scene and tells Langdon that he must call the embassy. When Langdon calls the number Sophie gave him, he reaches her answering service. The message warns Langdon that he is in danger and should meet Sophie in the bathroom at the Louvre.

In the bathroom, Sophie shows Langdon that Fache is noting his movements with a tracking device. She throws the device out the window onto a passing truck, tricking the police into thinking that Langdon has escaped from the Louvre.

Sophie also tells Langdon that the last line in the secret message, “P.S. Find Robert Langdon,” was her grandfather’s way of alerting her: P.S. are the initials of her grandfather’s nickname for her, Princesse Sophie. Langdon thinks that P.S. might stand for Priory of Sion, an ancient brotherhood devoted to the preservation of the pagan goddess worship tradition, and to the maintenance of the secret that Saunière died protecting.

Langdon decodes the second and third lines in Saunière’s message: “Leonardo Da Vinci! The Mona Lisa!” Sophie returns to the paintings to look for another clue. The police have returned to the Louvre as well, and they arrest Langdon. Sophie finds a key behind the Madonna of the Rocks. By using the painting as a hostage, she manages to disarm the police officer and get herself and Langdon out of the building.

As Sophie and Langdon drive toward the Swiss bank identified on the back of the key, Langdon explains the history of the Priory of Sion and their armed force, the Knights Templar. He reveals that the Priory protects secret documents known as the Sangreal, or the Holy Grail. Langdon’s latest manuscript is about this very subject.

When Sophie and Langdon enter the bank, an unnamed security guard realizes that they are fugitives and calls the police, but André Vernet, the bank’s manager and a friend of Saunière’s, recognizes Sophie and helps her and Langdon escape. Sophie and Langdon figure out that the number left near Saunière’s body must be the account number that will open the vault. When they open the vault they find a cryptex, a message delivery device designed by Da Vinci and crafted by Saunière. The cryptex can only be opened with a password.

Vernet successfully smuggles Sophie and Langdon past Collet in the back of a locked armored car. Vernet turns on them, but they manage to get away with the cryptex, which Langdon realizes is actually the Priory keystone—that is, the key to all of the secrets the Priory holds about the location of the Holy Grail.

Langdon and Sophie go to the house of Sir Leigh Teabing, a historian, to ask for his help opening the box. Teabing tells them the legend of the Grail, starting with the historical evidence that the Bible didn’t come straight from God but was compiled by Emperor Constantine. He also cites evidence that Jesus’ divinity was decided by a vote at Nicaea, and that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, who was of royal blood, and had children by her. Teabing shows them the hidden symbols in The Last Supper and the painted representation of the Magdalene. He tells them that the Holy Grail is actually Mary Magdalene’s body and the documents that prove Mary’s blood line is related to Jesus. He says he thinks Saunière and the others may have been killed because the Church suspected that the Priory was about to unveil this secret.

As Langdon is showing off the cryptex, Silas appears and hits him over the head. Silas holds Sophie and Teabing at gunpoint and demands the keystone, but Teabing attacks Silas, hitting him on the thigh where his punishment belt is located, and Sophie finishes him off by kicking him in the face. They tie Silas up.

Collet arrives at the castle, but Sophie, Langdon, the bound Silas, Teabing, and his servant, Rémy, escape and board Teabing’s private plane to England. Sophie realizes that the writing on the cryptex is decipherable if viewed in a mirror. They come to understand the poem, which refers to “a headstone praised by Templars” and the “Atbash cipher,” which will help them arrive at the password. Langdon remembers that the Knights Templar supposedly worshipped the god Baphomet, who is sometimes represented by a large stone head. The word, unscrambled by the Atbash Cipher, is Sofia. When they open the cryptex, however, they find only another cryptex, this one with a clue about a tomb where a knight was buried by a pope. They must find the orb that should have been on the knight’s tomb.

Fache realizes that Teabing and the rest of them are in the jet. He calls the British police and asks them to surround the airfield, but Teabing tricks the police into believing that there is nobody inside the plane but himself. Then he goes with Sophie, Langdon, Rémy, and Silas to the Temple Church in London, the burial site of knights that the Pope had killed.

Rémy frees Silas and reveals that he, too, follows the Teacher. Silas goes to the church to get the keystone, but when he tries to force Langdon to give it up, Langdon threatens to break it. Rémy intervenes, taking Teabing hostage and thus forcing Langdon to give up the cryptex.

Meanwhile, Collet and his men look through Teabing’s house and become suspicious when they find that he has been monitoring Saunière. Over the phone, the Teacher instructs Silas to let Rémy deliver the cryptex. The Teacher meets Rémy in the park and kills him. The Teacher calls the police and turns Silas in to the authorities. As Silas tries to escape, he is shot, and he accidentally shoots his idol, Bishop Aringarosa.

Silas takes Bishop Aringarosa to the hospital and staggers into a park, where he dies. In the hospital the next day, Aringarosa bitterly reflects that Teabing tricked him into helping with his murderous plan by claiming that if the Bishop delivered the Grail to him, he would help the Opus Dei regain favor with the Church.

Sophie’s and Langdon’s research leads them to the discovery that Sir Isaac Newton is the knight they are looking for, the one buried by a Pope, because they learn he was buried by Alexander Pope. They go to Westminster Abbey, where Newton is buried. There, the Teacher lures them to the garden with a note saying he has Teabing. They go there only to discover that Teabing himself is the Teacher. Teabing suspected that Saunière had decided not to release the secret of the Priory of Sion, because the Church threatened to kill Sophie if the secret was released. Wanting the secret to be public knowledge, he had decided to find the Grail himself.

Teabing gives Langdon the cryptex and asks Langdon and Sophie to help him open it. Langdon figures out that the password is apple—the orb missing from Newton’s tomb. He opens the cryptex and secretly takes out the papyrus. Then he throws the empty cryptex in the air, causing Teabing to drop his pistol as he attempts to catch it and prevent the map inside from being destroyed. Suddenly, Fache bursts into the room and arrests Teabing.

The papyrus inside the second cryptex directs Sophie and Langdon to Scotland, where Sophie finds her brother and her grandmother. During the reunion, she discovers that her family is, indeed, of the bloodline of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. Sophie and Langdon part, promising to meet in Florence in a month. Back in Paris, Langdon comprehends the poem, which leads him to the small pyramid built into the ground in the Louvre, where he is sure the Grail must be hidden.

so you can see why this book is somewhat controversial in the christian community - i totally get it.  this book claims some stuff that is not consistent with what a lot of christians believe.  the book claims jesus was married to mary magdalene and had a child (or children, who knows) and therefore has a bloodline that may just continue today.  there are historians and theologists who have dedicated their careers to exploring jesus' lineage.  it also claims that all of the 'men' in 'the last supper' are not all men - mary magdalene, jesus' wife, is seated next to him.  it also raises speculation that jesus was just a man, a good teacher, a prophet just like muhammad, jeremiah, and some others in the bible.  there are some other points of controversy, but these are a few to demonstrate.

some religious folk claim their religion is 'right' and the be all end all and everyone else is wrong but them.  and i'm not saying this only pertains to christians, but that is my personal experience throughout my own life.  i have been told me and my family are going to hell.  my own grandmother insisted me and brother and sister went through confirmation and stuff - she also would express conern to my mother that she would  not see us in heaven and we would end up lost in hell.  i was told by a young life leader in high school that i would go to hell if i did not accept jesus christ as my lord and savior and lead a 'christian life'.  one of my dad's oldest friends is a buddhist man.  years ago he was waiting on a kidney and would die without one.  he ended up getting it and he's well and healthy today.  but i had a friend in junior high school while this was going on that told me if teichi died, he would go to hell because he was not christian.  i asked this friend, 'so you're telling me that teichi would go to hell?  one of the best husbands, fathers, spriritual people, and genuine humans to walk this earth would go to hell just because he wasn't christian?'  and my friend's answer was 'yes'.  i went to a baptist church camp with a childhood friend of mine when i was twelve - my mom was hesitant to let me go, but she wanted me to live my own experiences and make decisions based upon them as opposed to her and my father forcing them upon us kids.  there was a mother there that made me cry.  she was almost yelling at me as she was telling me me and my family were going to hell. 

so, these experiences as well as others have contributed to forming my opinion for my own beliefs and spritual practice.  i am not a christian, and i in now way shape or form believe i am going to hell.  i believe got is an accepting god and a loving god and wouldn't place anyone in hell.  i have been tested on this belief of mine a few times in life, but i won't go into that.  i believe that jesus existed, but i believe he was a person and an inspirational person and prophet much like mother theresa, the dalai lama, ghandi, and nelson mandela.  i do not believe he was sacrificed for our sins and we need to accept him as our lord and savior or we will burn in eternal hell fire and that we were all born innate sinners. 

84% of the world has religous faith, and only a third of that percentage are christian.  so, by doing a simple ratio equation, just under 25.5% of the entire world's entire population are christian.  there are other numbers out there, but christians are not the majority of the world's religous population.  in fact, muslims are a pretty close second.  so, rhetorial question to some christians out there - are you telling me that well over a majority of the world's population are going to hell?  and what about animals?  are they going to hell by default?  and some believe that plants have a spirit and they certainly have life and energy - are they going to hell by default as well?  are we humans 'more important' than animals and plants just because we are more evolved as a species?  plants, animals, bugs, and other life forms outnumber humans by an enormous landslide.  and what about all the people and animals and dinosaurs that existed before jesus and the bible?  are they going to meet us sinners in hell?

something else is mentioned in the davinci code that is a very valid point.  historical text (including the bible) is written by the winners.  it is written by the individuals that knew how to read and write (which we all know was a small, tiny minority hundreds of years ago), and written by individuals that won wars.  fuck, constantine led a rampant religous war and over his reign burned millions at the stake who did not believe as he did - he declared that christianity (specifically catholocism) was right and the only way and just got rid of anyone else.  and he and his followers wrote much of historical text, including the bible.  christianity succeeded largely because of the 'legitimization' under constantine over his 31 years of rule.  how would history and religous text be different had this been different?  what if history had been written by the millions who were burned at the stake?  makes you wonder.

again, i'm not saying this pertains to christianity and christianity alone - i'm just illustrating that here because of the book and my own personal experience of religious and spiritual contemplation.  i have met others in different faiths who have the same sense of 'rightness' and 'entitlement'.  i am not saying that christians are wrong - i am not saying that at all.  but, it is only one of many ways to have faith and believe.  there are other gods out there that are no more or no less than the god in the christian faith.  my point is, no one is right and no one is wrong - we're just all different and that is okay.  if god wanted us all to be the same, why would he have created everyone so different?

i believe in god, and i believe that there is something bigger out there linking all of life together.  i believe it because i feel it - i feel god's and the universe's love and connection around me everywhere.  just last night i was out on a walk with toby.  it was beautiful outside.  i felt the breeze on my face, and lifted my head, closed my eyes, and just thought how beautiful and miraculous life is. 

from a scientific perspective, i could also justify reincarnation - i don't know if it exists (no one does), but science does in fact support it.  one of the laws of matter states that all matter and energy that exists in the universe already exists - this energy and matter cannot be created or destroyed, it is only transferred from one place to another.  science also states (and a lot of studies have shown) that your life, your spirit, and the energetic force that keeps you breathing and heart beating is a form of this matter.  so, when you die, this energy leaves your body - it goes out into the universe somewhere.  that being said, if matter and energy  cannot be created, where do the new life forces come from?  do babies share the spirit of another life who has already existed and left the physical world? 

there is something so much bigger out there.  we are but a wee spec in the cosmos and history of this universe.  i am but a mere human being here in the physical world for an undetermined amount of time - although i hope i live a long and happy life, no one knows when their time is up.  when i think about it, i am such a small microscopic part of our physical life as we know it on earth - the universe has been here for how many million years?  how much larger is the universe than just our physical world and reglious establishments here?  think about it...

at any rate, there are other books mentioned in the davinci code that have been written by historians and theoligists who have been studying the lineage of jesus and this stuff for a long time.  i want to read some of these.  i find this stuff fascinating and it will really make you think, regardless of what your religious or spiritual beliefs may be.

on another note, respect one another.  practice tolerance toward others and their beliefs.  practice and preach what you  love instead of what you hate.  the fact of the matter is, no one knows what happens when you die except for those that are no longer with us.  although i want a long and healthy life and hope to inherit the morris' longevity, i know this much - my spirituality and connection with my god and universe, and my faith in both, have helped me not fear dying and provide me trust that there is something so much bigger and awesome out there. 

i have had 'life of pi' on my netflix for a while now, and keep having to bump that fucker down my list because i've wanted to finish the book first.  i finally finished it last night.  could. not. put. it. down.  i had many nights where i broke my early-to-bed grandma ways, stayed up too late reading, then woke up dragging ass the next morning - but, all well worth it. 

adventure, a spiritual journey, morality, life, will to live, love of animals, respect - just awesome fest.

read the book.  you won't be sorry. 

awesome lettuce wraps

i meant to post this recipe a couple weeks ago when i made them, but of course totally forgot.  so i'm doing it now :)

cooking light is one of my favorite magazines.  the recipes are great, the food is healthy, and they have healthy versions of a lot of different comfort foods.  some assume that lettuce wraps at a restaurant are healthy simply because they're wrapped in lettuce, but oh no - typically that shit is fried, has a ton of oil and crap, and isn't healthy for you at all.  it's like having a salad with fried chicken strips and drown it in ranch - same thing.  at any rate, this chicken wrap recipe was awesome and so light.  i added some carrots and other veggies as i typically do.  this was fast, delicious, left overs kept well, and so easy.

Ingredients 

• 4 teaspoons canola oil, divided
• 1/2 cup minced shallots
• 1/2 cup thinly sliced red bell pepper $
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• 4 teaspoons minced fresh garlic
• 1 pound ground chicken
• 2 Thai or serrano chiles, minced
• 1 tablespoon fish sauce
• 2 teaspoons dark brown sugar
• 2 teaspoons lower-sodium soy sauce
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• 1 cup basil leaves
• 1 tablespoon fresh lime juice
• 4 lime wedges

Preparation

1. 1. Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add 2 teaspoons oil to pan; swirl to coat. Add shallots; sauté 2 minutes. Add bell pepper; sauté 1 minute. Add garlic; sauté 30 seconds. Remove shallot mixture from pan.
2. 2. Add remaining 2 teaspoons oil to pan; swirl to coat. Add chicken; cook 5 minutes or until browned, stirring to crumble. Drain well. Return chicken to pan over medium heat. Add chiles; cook 1 minute. Add shallot mixture to pan. Stir in fish sauce and next 3 ingredients (through black pepper); cook 1 minute or until thoroughly heated. Remove pan from heat; stir in basil and juice. Serve with lime wedges.

TRY IT, TRY IT, TRY IT!!  this has quickly became one of my favesies :)

an unquiet mind in a conference room

today i was reminded of just how unquiet my mind can be - i was sitting in a conference room for over 10 hours today for some sales training for work, and me and sitting still for lengthy periods of time do not mesh well.  these were some random thoughts and observations that occupied my mind today.

i was mostly distracted by this girl in my group who was sitting in front and to the left of me.  you remember those people in college who sat in the front, always had something to say about every little thing the teacher said, and seemed to be trying to 'one up' any other opinion and remark that would come their way?  yea.  that was her yesterday.  every time i saw that little manicured hand and class ring of hers go up, i could feel my eyes mentally roll in the back of my head.  i could see from looking around the room that i was not alone in my annoyance.  she also enjoyed sharing how much information she knew regarding the material at hand, and even attempted to correct the presenters a couple times.  i was kinda embarassed for her those instances, and i just had to look away. 

what pulled me to this girl in the first place was her hair - she had pretty long dark hair that was pulled back, except for this one wild chunk that was sticking out and out of place.  i almost wanted to fix it for her.  it kepr drawing my eyes.  sometimes when i'm out and i notice loose hairs on someone's shirt i want to pull them off - they're so distracting.  i'll admit that i even have done this, but only when i was sure i could get away with it without being noticed.  there would be no recovery from that embarrassment.  i have actually spoken to other women who share this idea or compulsion (whatever the hell you want to call it) so i know i'm not alone here.  that chunk of hair stayed that way all day long.

one of the first things i did was count ceiling tiles and lights in the fixtures - sometimes when i'm bored i count things.  my aunt and i actually counted lights and ceiling tiles together one time at my mom's graduation from nursing school.  i think she saw me looking up at the ceiling, and just asked me, 'how many?'  she confirmed my answer, and i was relieved that she too counted stuff when she was bored.  today there were 84 ceiling tiles in each light fixture arrangement in ballroom a where we had introductions, and 14 lights in each fixture.  in the conference room where my group was, there were a total of 11 bulbs on the ceiling (one of which was out) - the pillars and disruptions in the ceiling here prevented me from counting the tiles.  so i moved on to counting other things in the room.  there were two rows of 4 tables each, 4 chairs per table - every chair was filled (minus the two that left the day early), so we had 32 in our group (30 after the lucky few left.  one person brought their computer (which i wish i would have, too), 4 people brought their backpacks.

the chairs in the conference room were very noisy - i think they gave everyone the giggles.  they made farting noises, and sounded almost exactly like when you're moving around on those large black rubber inner tubes that you get when you float the river.  my teammate and i exchanged glances every time someone would adjust themselves in these inner tube chairs.  kept the room quite amused for the day.  i will say this, though - i think the guy in front of me and to the right actually farted a couple times and adjusted in his chair to cover up and audibility from his flatulence.  very clever on his part...

each speaker had a slide show they presented with their module.  i took really good notes for the most part, but had a flashback to college a couple times when the speaker was going too fast.  i used to hate it in college when i was plowing through note taking, following along with the teacher, then they'd get moving too fast and go to the next slide before i was done taking notes.  this happened twice today - total flashback.

i also learned that one of my team mates played pro baseball for two years with the padres before he came to work for dell.  i can't believe i didn't know that!  i tried googling him yesterday, and all i found were some stats (and not bad) - no wikipedia page or old pictures or anything.  how cool, though.

this girl in front of me (that i opened this post with) had a large, clunky blingy watch on.  the point of a watch is telling time - is it not?  she had this watch on, but i noticed her check her phone for the time several times throughout the day.  so why have the watch?  i don't get why she would spend money on a watch she doesn't need.  she even took it off at some point, placed it carefully on the table, but still would check her phone for the time.  was her watch even working?  was she wearing it just for decoration?  i  have a watch that i wear when i'm running, but it serves multiple purposes - gps, tracks mileage, sets pace, etc.  so, i have a watch that i use but i find it silly to have a watch just for the sake of having a watch.

and then came lunch.  i typically eat lunch very early, but we didn't break for lunch 'til after noon - that is really late for me.  i went home to check on toby, and i needed to create some sort of break in the middle of the day.  it was much colder outside than when i left the house this morning, so i opted for a costume change when i got home.  i saw a few puzzled looks when i walked back into training - kinda funny.

after lunch the same girl i've mentioned twice started passing notes with the girl next to her and another behind her at my table.  i felt like i was in high school  again or something.  she kept kinda giggling and flipping her hair back and forth.  this was kinda rude behavior for someone who had been working so hard to suck up to every presenter.  i wondered what they were talking about.  i haven't seen anyone pass a note in years...

the day was long, but left me feeling grateful for my job and the flexibility i have with my schedule and working from home.  highlights of the day were the cool new water bottle i got, two big awesome cookies for our afternoon snack, and came home to discover my shower was finally fixed.  i was also sure to get my ass to the pharmacy for my medicine to quiet my mind a bit.  today was kinda rough.

the curious incident of the dog in the night-time

so, i am a huge reader - i can escape in a good book for hours, from front to back.  i'm always looking for good book recommendations (as i gather other readers are as well), so i'm going to start offering mine.

this book was given to me as a gift years ago and never read it - i was perusing my bookshelves looking for a book, and picked this guy up.  i think i read this in three days.  i had no idea what the book was really about, so the whole story was an awesome suprise and not what i was expecting at all.

the book is written in first person from the perspective of a fifteen year old british boy with (what i'm assuming, although it was never made clear) severe autism.  the book starts with him discovering his neighbor's dog who was killed with a pitchfork, and just kind of goes on from there.  the writing of the book well illustrates the mind of this autistic narrator - strong math and logic skills, lenthy run on sentences, chapters that are only a few sentences long, and chapters not related to the previous or following.  the reader really gets into the mind of the narrator with the detailing of how he views people, interactions, everyday life, superstitions he has, etc.

this character has a loud, unquiet mind and so i found myself identitfying with him quite a bit (to an extent, of course).  for as long as i can remember, i have had an unquiet mind - racing thoughts, sometimes 'weird' ways  of viewing things, on and off obsessive behavior over the years, and sometimes odd ways of reasoning.  so, i really liked the character and understood him in an odd way.  i like people who are 'different' and have been genuinely been interested in how their minds work. 

i have an autistic neighbor, daniel.  i see him often - he walks around talking to himself, so you can hear him coming whenever he is around.  he loves toby - like, it makes his day and his eyes light up whenever he sees my dog.  i enjoy talking to him as well - he's probably one of the most genuine, kind, friendly people i have met.  he lives indenpendently.  but, i digress...

read the book - it's awesome, and a very quick read.