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I’m beginning to wonder if I am a paranoid hypochondriac. I think I’ve always been somewhat of a paranoid and moderately anxious person, but certain life experiences have made me even more so and recently it’s gotten worse.
When I first moved to Austin, I was downtown with some friends. I drove there by myself to meet them, so I parked by myself in a lot somewhere. When I was walking back to my car at the end of the night, I noticed this guy behind me. I picked up the pace and hauled ass to my car, got in, and locked the doors. As I was putting my seatbelt on, I hear this knock on my window and it was the guy. He even pulled my door handle trying to get in. I backed up the car real quick to get out of there, but then he threw himself on my hood. I started to move and he finally got off somewhat by the force of my car, but it freaked me the fuck out!! I recounted the story to my dad later and he told me that if that ever happened again to plow the guy over and we’d deal with it later. Needless to say, that was the last time I ever walked to my car alone and unattended downtown late at night.
In my early adulthood, I had some sexual trauma from men – I won’t get into details, but it happened and it sucked. It took me a long time to face it, deal with it, and recognize that the resulting fear was somewhat running my life more than I had originally thought. At any rate, these experiences left me fearing men and fearing being raped. I’ve gotten better, but I still feel like I am looking over my shoulder everywhere I go. I imagine I will always be somewhat hypervigilant about this, but I’m okay with that. I’d rather be very aware and maybe ‘paranoid’ of my surroundings than find myself in a situation where I could be hurt again.
A couple or three years ago, word spread in the Austin running community of all these attacks on women. This unknown man was attacking female runners. And not attacking them in the middle of the night around a darkened corner – he attacked a woman at Barton Springs at 1st Street at 7am when the sun was out! This guy was ballsy. Year before last on New Year’s Eve, a woman was killed in my neighborhood at 31st and Lamar by a man who was waiting for her in her house! I live in a safe neighborhood – a very safe neighborhood in Austin. Yet this woman was brutally stabbed in her house just blocks from my apartment. It was later discovered that this man was the same man attacking the runners and he later killed himself when he realized he was the subject of an angry, rampant manhunt. There was a blanket of ease that covered the female running community, but it still lingers in the back of my mind.
Because of these things, I am very aware of my surroundings at all time and strive to never put myself in a situation where I feel insecure and unsafe. But sometimes I feel like I am too paranoid. I am one of those people who checks behind their shower curtain and closet doors. I double and triple check the doors are locked. I have my keys out and am looking all around me when I walk out to my car at night.
So, that’s the paranoia in me for the most part. Here comes the hypochondria…
I love my dog so much. I have had Toby for over eleven years. I got him when I was in rehab (the most vulnerable part of my life) when he was just eight weeks old. He has been with me through everything, and that is a lot. He is not ‘just a dog’ to me – he is my family, he is my heart. I cannot imagine my life without him, and dread the day that is his last. I tear up just thinking about it sometimes. I drank a bit too much wine one night, and just held him and cried and told him, ‘Toby, when you’re ready to let go of life, you just go. Please don’t make me put you down!’ I’m sure he looked at me like I was an idiot and his internal dog thought was like, ‘Mom, I’m still here. Calm the hell down and sober up.’ Ever since he hit the double digits, I’m very aware of his mortality. And every time I think something is wrong with him, I think that he’s dying or something. His vet has reassured me, 'Toby is older, but he’s not old.’ And he is very healthy. I take excellent care of him, and I lucked out because my dog loves fruits and vegetables. Seriously – he acts like I’m feeding him a fried piece of bacon when I give him steamed broccoli. His vet said that as long as I steer clear of a few things that make dogs sick, and give him straight fruits and veggies (no oil, spices, additives), to give them to Toby – they are healthy and aide in a dog’s longevity just like a human’s. His breed also has a pretty long estimated lifespan. But, at any rate – I’m very aware that Toby is in fact getting older and I will have to let him go one day. I try my hardest not to think about it, but at times it will creep into my brain. My Mimi just had to put her cat of twenty years down the other day, so of course it brought up some of this…
Which kinda brings me to a paranoia I have about my dog. I often worry that something will happen to him while I’m out of the apartment at work or something. For instance, my old downstairs neighbor was this careless kid who left his gas on one time. I guess he was gone for a couple days, left the gas on the stove, and the smell was, like, penetrating the walls of my apartment. I called the property manager, he let himself in, and the smell of gas was horrible. And, to add to that, this particular individual would leave candles burning – I saw them through his window. So, this flash of my apartment blowing up with Toby helpless inside flashed through my mind. And whenever I leave the apartment, I make sure all my burners are off and any flat or curling iron unplugged, etc. (and I turn on Animal Planet for him J)
I have also formed a feeling of hypochondria toward my parents. My mom just turned sixty, and my daddy is about to the first of May. Over the years, I have watched them change. They were my age when Aren and I were born, and so I have watched them get older over my thirty years. I have watched my dad get ‘old people spots’ on his hands. I have watched my daddy lose hair, and watched them turn gray. I have watched wrinkles start to form. I have also watched my grandparents age and die, and thus see my mom say goodbye to both of her parents and my dad let go of his dad.
My mom most recently had to let go of her best friend of over thirty years, a woman I referred to as my godmother, our Judy. Judy battled cancer for years, and lost her battle this last December – she was only sixty-two. I watched my mom say goodbye to her dearest friend she’s known – a woman who was more like a close sister. When I came back from rehab, and my family decided it best for me to move to Austin, Judy did not hesitate to tell my mom she would take care of me. Wally and Judy took me in as one of their own – she cared for me during my most vulnerable time. She has always been an extension of my own mother. It was painful to say goodbye to her and let her go. I think of her every day and will feel the pain of that loss for quite some time. And as hard as it was for me to let her go, I cannot imagine what it must have been like for her children. I am very close to her middle daughter, Abbie – and watching her go through that last month was hard.
Judy dying was a reminder of my parents’ own mortality – I will have to let them go one day. I try not to think about it, but sometimes it creeps into my mind. I can’t imagine having to live my life with my mom or my daddy – thinking of it brings a lump to my throat. I feel this urge to protect them and make sure they are as healthy as possible, taking care of themselves, eating right, going to the doctor, etc. I just want to take care of them and keep them happy and healthy and here for as long as I can and it makes me so sad to think of them not being here one day. Last weekend I was in Dallas visiting and I mentioned something to my mom about me being sad when Toby dies (it was on my mind because my Mimi’s cat was about to die), and she very casually said, ‘Well, just think of it as practice for when me and Daddy die.’ How could she be so casual?
My mom works alongside a nurse who has breast cancer – and she is only 27. Last year a friend mine I used to work with at Chuy’s was diagnosed with breast cancer, and she was in her early thirties (she’s great now). Just a few days ago I learned that a girl I used to work with at Trudy’s was diagnosed with breast cancer, and she too is only in her early thirties. My mom said that getting breast cancer so young is extremely rare (and I know that), but this just feeds my hypochondria and paranoia. How can such young healthy people get so sick?
Over a year ago I went on birth control (of the pill variety). I started having horrible chest pains – like, sharp pressure pains in my chest several times a day. It was really freaking me out. I went to the doctor and got all this work done, and everything came back great. I get my blood checked regularly since I am a regular donor, and they said I was the poster child for cardiovascular health. So what the hell was going on? I was scared I was going to be one of these random young healthy people that had a heart attack or something. I consulted with a cardiologist, but in the meantime the chest pains became less frequent. I still wasn’t making the correlation until I went to the doctor for a follow up and we realized it was all the hormones in the birth control. So, I guess I’m just one of the women that can’t do the pill. I’m off it no, no chest pains.
I check my boobs when I’m in the shower, go to the doctor annually for lady checkups, and go to get mole checks at the dermatologist – I got that shit on lockdown. But what about the other cancers and illnesses you can’t see outright? You kinda have to wait until something weird happens and some symptom comes up. But then what if it’s too late? I did find out you can opt for a CT scan or MRI, but this would be an ‘optional’ procedure so health insurance won’t cover it. How can one tell they’re sick when you can’t see it yet?
I talked to my mom a lot about this last night. She said it’s natural for me to feel this way after finding out an old friend close to my age has cancer, and after losing Judy, Mimi putting down her cat, and all this other stuff. I know I can’t live my life in fear, and I don’t want to. I remembered today that being sad over something that hasn’t even happened and starting to mourn for my dog when he is still happy, healthy, and full of energy is such a waste. I always emphasize the importance of living for today, show love to those around you, and don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future. I’m trying to practice what I preach, although sometimes it is a struggle when certain things in life happen. People and pets die, and sometimes before a time that we may deem ‘fair’. But what’s funny about life is that it goes on.
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