Among the Vegan Path

I was a vegetarian for ten years from the ages of 12 to 22.  Being a vegetarian was a large part of what began my eating disorder.  At first I started because of the animals – I couldn’t stomach eating something that had been killed, and I could become hysterically emotional at the thought.  My parents were very supportive, my mom made sure to always have food that I could eat with our family meals, and everything was fine. 

But, it didn’t stay fine.  Being vegetarian, in part, fed my eating disorder.  It started to become an excuse to not eat certain things I thought would make me fat.  Originally I didn’t want to eat meat because I didn’t want to eat an animal that had been killed.  But somehow that reason flew out the window, and my ideology became that of:  meat = fat = bad.  And before I knew it, I was eating an apple and maybe a rice cake a day and that was about it.  I downward spiraled fairly quickly, and ended up in rehab for five months.

My nutritionist and therapist in rehab brought up the possibility that being a vegetarian led to my eating disorder, and I can’t say I didn’t agree with them.  I took it as an excuse to eat only fruits and vegetables, no fat, little calories, you get the picture.  When I explained why I had initially became a vegetarian, and that I did not want to start eating meat, they worked with me on it.  They worked with me on a meal plan that would work within the confines of my feelings and beliefs.  But I still had meat = fat = bad in the back of my mind. 

But once out of rehab, I kept spiraling downward again.  I wasn’t staying full.  I was hungry all the time.  I wasn’t following my meal plan.  I was seeing a nutritionist at the time, and she started to suggest the idea of eating meat.  Then I woke up one day and started eating meat again after ten years of not – I was 22.

The animal rights thing was always in the back of my mind, but I tried to ignore it – and I’m ashamed to admit that.  Over these last 8 years, I still would eat numerous meals that did not include meat.  I guess maybe I thought it was okay if I didn't eat meat at every meal, everyday – so that was okay – right?  I have done my due diligence to use cleaners and other products that are not tested on animals – did that make me eating meat okay because at least I did that much?  I started to not eat lamb or veal because they were just babies.  And then I stopped eating pork because I had a thing for pigs – and I used to have a friend that had a pig as a pet, and I have Toby, so why was his pet less than mine?  Why is it okay to eat his pet, but he couldn’t eat Toby or the like?  Did you know that a pig can recognize and come to their name?  But then whenever I would drive and see cows, my heart ached for them.  Did you know that they can form a best friend for life?  And the baby chicks – the baby chicks for god sakes!!!  I was a hypocrite!!  But the cavemen did it, after all.  Was it in our blood?  Was it in our nature?  As Carrie Bradshaw would say, ‘I couldn’t help but wonder…’

The last couple years this has been weighing on my mind and heart, and even more so over the last year, and especially the last several months.  I think it started when I delved deeper and deeper into my yoga practice.  In class, we end every practice with ‘Namaste’, and I choose to say the whole prayer in my head -  all beings and pieces of the Universe are equal and one with each other.

 I honor the place in your in which the entire Universe dwells.

I honor the place in you which is of love and truth,

Light and peace.

When you are in that place in you,

And I am in that place in me,

We are one.

-Namaste-

As I continued to grow deeper into my practice, deeper into my meditation, I started to feel a greater connectivity to the Earth and all parts of the Universe around me – the grass, the sun, the sky, the stars, and all living beings (two footed, four footed, ).  I was no greater that you, or her, or him.  And I was no greater than my dog, Toby.  I was no greater than other living beings, no matter how small

I started to progressively eat less and less meat.  Before I did eat a meal that included meat, I would pray and thank the Universe for the animal that gave its life for my nourishment.  And then one day recently, as I was saying this ‘thanks’, I thought to myself – my nourishment?  I don’t have to eat meat to be healthy.  I don’t need to eat meat to get protein. I certainly didn’t enjoy the fact that an animal died for me to eat it.  People eat dogs in other countries – when I thought about that, I looked down at Toby and was just repulsed by the thought of someone eating a dog like him.  But why was Toby more significant than a cow, chicken, pig, turkey, fish, or whatever.  Toby isn’t, and neither was I.  Why the hell was I fighting this decision?  I couldn’t justify me eating meat or animal products any longer.

The idea of becoming a vegan was weighing on me, but I was scared – this in large part triggered my eating disorder years ago and I didn’t want to even dance on that line again – I had come so far.  I meditated on it.  I prayed about it.  I talked to some vegan friends I have about it.  I spoke with my parents about it, and addressed any concerns they might have (considering my past).  I thought about the reasons I wanted to do this, and they far outweighed anything else that crossed my mind.  And through that, I realized how strong I was and how far I had come in my recovery.  I trusted myself.

And so, the decision to make this move fully came to fruition about tend days ago now I think.  It hasn’t been long, but I feel great.  It hasn't been a hard transition at all – my grocery cart was already about 90% produce (I’ve always been quite the rabbit, or so my parents used to call me).  I’m not any hungrier than I was before.  I do have a couple more steps to take, but I’m almost there.  I don’t miss it, and certainly don’t carry the guilt that I had previously.  I still have plenty of energy when I’m running.  I’m sleeping just the same.  I really feel no different, other than the fact that I am at peace just a bit more than I was before.

Being a vegetarian or vegan is not for everyone, and I certainly don’t plan on pushing it on anyone or anything like that.  Everyone’s choices and beliefs are different and shaped by their own personal experiences.  I haven’t gone around preaching my decision to everyone around me, but I did choose to write this blog post to share my thoughts and to answer the question as to ‘why’ that some have asked me.  It has been a progressive move for me, and has just become part of the path my life is taking.

‘No animal needs to die in order for me to live.  And that makes me feel good.’

-          Howard Lynan

the curse of a pre-existing condition

So, Obamacare has finally passed.  There are a lot of people pissed off about it – are pissed and disgusted that their tax dollars are supporting all these lazy, drug using sacks of shit who refuse to work.  These are some of the words I have read and heard straight from people’s mouths recently.  That naïve statement pisses me off, and I take personal offense to it actually for a multitude of reasons.

Now, of course, everyone is welcome to their opinion.  The opposing sides don’t agree with each other, this is no surprise.  I think people’s opinion about a lot of these issues that have come up (most recently being the abortion/women’s healthcare issue in Texas) are based a lot upon one’s own personal experience, and I am no different.

Eleven years ago I suffered from a nasty ass eating disorder.  It got so bad that I went away to rehab for five months.  My parent’s health insurance initially didn’t cover it – by the time I got out, my parents had spent tens of thousands of dollars on my treatment.  Later down the line, after many appeals, my parents were reimbursed for part of this cost.  Insurance companies now cover more mental illness treatment, but they didn’t years ago.  Part of Obamacare is the continued awareness and coverage of the treatment of mental disorders.  I was very lucky and fortunate that my parents were able to fund my treatment – but if they hadn’t been able to, and I was unable to get the help I needed, I am confident there is a large chance I would have slowly starved myself to death.

I now had a pre-existing condition, a label I wore for insurance companies when I was seeking coverage independently.  While going through countless interviews with numerous providers, I felt judged, naked, vulnerable, and helpless after I got turned down time and time again.  After Obama took office for his first term, some of this reform started to pass and part of it allowed me to stay covered under my parents’ policy until I reached a certain age.  Phew!  What a relief.  I had bought some time.

My last two years of college were tough – I worked 40+ hours a week to support myself, and went to school full time in part to be eligible for the health insurance Texas State offered to their students.  Those were the hardest two years of my life.  During college, I worked as a bar manager.  I was one of the few in my service industry circle that had health insurance – they couldn’t afford the high premiums on individual plans they qualified for.  These people were not lazy sacks of shit that some of Obamacare’s opponents have alluded to.  They worked hard.  They paid their bills.  They went to school.  They were responsible citizens.  When they got sick, they had to decide whether they could afford an out-of-pocket doctor visit or not.  It was a constant struggle of my service industry friends around me, and I can guarantee you that the passing of Obamacare is a huge weight off their shoulders.

After I graduated college, I was on my own in terms of finding health insurance.  I was too old for my parents to cover me.  I was hoping that enough time had passed that my eating disorder would no longer be an issue, but I was dead wrong.  After six months of tirelessly searching, after working with an insurance agent to try and find the needle-in-the-haystack policy, I got only one insurance company that agreed to cover me and my monthly premium would be over $800 - $800!!!  And that is no joke, my friends.  And the coverage I would've gotten was a joke.  And as a new graduate who was still working in restaurants, I could not even begin to think about affording that.  So, I was forced to go uncovered.  I felt like I was walking on eggshells wherever I went.  I would have nightmares of me getting cancer or having some sort of an accident and racking up hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical bills that I would never be able to pay.  During this time, I learned that one broken leg, brief treatment, and casting can cost $10k or more out of pocket.  One emergency room visit with stitches can cost several thousand.  What if I broke a bone, or worse?  There were weeks that I stuck out my sinus infections because I couldn’t afford to go to the doctor and certainly couldn’t afford antibiotics out of pocket.  When I got really sick a couple times, my parents helped me pay for me to go get help.  And again, I was lucky.  Some people don’t have the parents I do.   I left a job to take another that would offer me health insurance – I had to take a significant pay cut, but it was my only option to get health insurance coverage.  I breathed a huge sigh of relief when that part of my life was over – I was finally in a world of a $10 copay instead of a $100 doctor visit, and $5 prescriptions instead of God knows what.

During my stint as a bakery manager out of college, I worked with a remarkable woman.  She had worked at that bakery for years.  She worked full time, as did her husband.  They paid their bills on time, rent on time, contributed to society, were wonderful spouses to each other, as well as proud grandparents to their grandchildren.  The jobs they worked didn’t pay that well, and they each had a small pre-existing condition – both had illnesses years ago that prevented them from getting insurance.  A couple years prior to me working there, she had a heart attack in the kitchen at work.  She nearly died and was in critical condition at the hospital after surgery for quite some time.  Because she was uninsured, and her treatment so extensive, her medical bills totaled hundreds of thousands of dollars – no shit.  She and her husband will never be able to pay that off in their lifetime, and their credit is forever fucked because of it. 

My little brother is a very talented drummer.  He is amazing and the coolest guy I know – I adore him.  He is one of the most genuine people I have ever met, honest, true, kind, and one of the best examples of hard work and dedication.  But, he is a drummer – that is his passion, his gift, his skill, and I have all the confidence in the world he will one day see huge success.  And this is no secret, it is hard as shit for musicians to get health insurance coverage – they almost always have to get it independently.  Now lucky for my brother, he has a clean bill of health and no pre-existing condition so he has been able to get coverage.  But, he doesn’t make a lot of money at his day job and current gigs, and the premiums became quite the strain.  And now through the passing of Obamacare, and what he qualifies for, he will be able to comfortably pay for health insurance.

Both my mother and sister are pediatric nurses.  Time and time again over the years, they have seen countless children and families that do not have adequate health insurance coverage.  These families are good people, hard-working, that are just trying to take care of their children.  And a lot of these children, because they have a rough medical history, have pre-existing conditions that prevent them from being covered.  These families will have medical bills to pay off for the rest of their lives.  And now, through the passing of Obamacare, a lot of my mom's and sister's patients will have adequate health insurance coverage and their parents will no longer have to worry about where they are going to get the money to pay to possibly save their child's life.

I have other examples, and I could tirelessly go one, but I won’t.  My stance on Obamacare, as well as other things he does do for our country, is based upon my own personal experience and what I have witnessed and lived through during the course of my thirty years.  And I get that our tax dollars may climb a bit, and that my stellar policy through work may change a bit in order to accommodate others, but you know what?  I am happy as hell to do it because I know that other individuals will be able to attain what they deserve.  i'm happy to give a little extra of what I have to help others.  I would much rather support those in need (including some that, yes, I think milk every federal dime they can) than deny the lot of them that include so many that deserve it, including my past self.

At any rate, that’s my thing about Obamacare.  I normally try and keep my mouth shut in terms of politics, but I feel quite strongly about this and it helps me to get it out.  Below is an article I read today that prompted this blog entry.

http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-1040732?hpt=hp_bn1

The Adventures of Online Dating, Part I

A few weeks ago my sister encouraged me to get online and try match.com, so I now find myself perusing men online.  I have gone on a couple dates.  The first went really well and I really liked the guy, and haven’t heard from him really again.  I am shocked, to be honest.  We seemed to really hit it off, talked on the phone for hours, he made several references to us hanging out again, flirty, etc. – dude, throw me a bone here!!  But, I won’t get into that shit.  I went out with this other dude Sunday – we flirted a bit via the match.com messaging system and text, talked a little although some of it seemed forced, but the chemistry wasn’t there in person for me.  Just wasn’t feeling it.  So now, I have another one lined up for Thursday – I have some good feelings surrounding Greg, so we’ll see.  But, I had a good feeling with the first one and he disappeared.

I have made several observations and subsequent opinions thus far of dating online, and they are as follows:

11)      Cheeseball come-ons aren’t cute, at least for me.  I have gotten a few, including but not limited to, ‘hey sweet thing’ and ‘you are gorgeous and amazing’ and a couple ‘hey baby’s.  Just today, a guy asked me if I had ever modeled.  While that is flattering, it’s far from the truth – I’m cute, sure, but i am short as hell and no Cindy Crawford (or whoever the hell else is famous these days).  I had one guy tell me I was ‘too beautiful for his craziness’, but I’m glad he changed his mind – Greg doesn’t appear to be crazy, seemed to be being sarcastic, and I’m meeting him Thursday J

22)      The topless selfies of you in the mirror flexing your muscles aren’t cute – you look like a queef.

33)      If you aren’t into me, don’t message me back and tell me you aren’t interested.  Ignore me, and I’ll get the point – no need to hammer the nail in the coffin.  Rejection is much easier to take and give online.  That being said, if we have gone out, I know you’re interested and I’m not, and you ask me out again, I will then tell you I’m just not feeling it – and vice versa.

44)      Charm does go a long way.  I had this one fella (40, much too old for my taste) send me a hilarious message asking me to marry him.  I got a laugh, messaged back and told him I was flattered – he knew he was too old for me, but ‘could I blame him for trying’ he asked.  Although he was kidding, he was still coming on too strong –but that email was still quite hilarious.

55)      Number 4 leads me to this one - don’t come on too strong.  I have had guys message me, suffice it to say the first message, telling me how they want very much to get to know me better, my dreams and hopes (yes, I was told that), and take me out to a nice dinner and movie.  That’s too much, guy.  I haven’t even met you.  let's chat online first, maybe exchange numbers, and then if that goes well go out for a beer or two.  It’s hard to even consider the first meeting a ‘date’ in the first place – it’s a meeting of two people.  That’s it.  If we’re both feeling it, there will be some flirting and arms around the waist, holding hands, possibly a kiss, but dude – slow your roll.  Also, grabbing a beer is enough for a first 'date'.  Dinner and a movie would take a few hours, and take it from me – it sucks to be stuck with someone you’re not into for a few hours on a too-lengthy date.  At least if you meet for a beer or coffee or something, you have a quick getaway after one drink if you aren’t feeling it.

66)      If you are closer to my parents’ age than me, do not ‘wink’ at me, do not message me, do not ‘like’ my pictures, and do not IM me.  You are disgusting.  Why would I date someone who is five years younger than my parents?  Also, I’ve noticed that some of these men (some of them around 55) are looking for women 25 to 40 or so.  Dude, are you kidding me?!?  You are 55 for crying out loud!  Date someone your own age, or at the very least don’t rule them out.  There are some older pervies out there.

77)      The perviness of number 6 leads me to this one – yes I do yoga, and yes this is mentioned in my profile, but do not ask me how flexible I am.  Ew.

88)      Don’t lead with how much money you make, what you drive, or what you could offer me in any related regard.  I don’t care, it’s just stuff, and you should be careful of any woman who is drawn to you for these reasons – they are most likely looking for a nice meal ticket.

99)      Match.com has an online IM system in addition to the messaging thing.  This one guy IM’d me asking if I wanted to chat, and before I could even check out his profile to see if I was interested, he accused me of ignoring him.  How dare I ignore him instead of telling him I wasn’t interested?  How dare I judge him?  Blah blah blah.  Dude, word to the wise – calm the hell down.  If you act all needy and cray cray in a few IM sentences, good luck with the ladies – you’ll need it.

At any rate, that is my experience and those are my observations for now.  It has been interesting, and I’m sure will get even more so.  I’ll continue to offer updates – some of this is too entertaining to keep to myself.

Finding Humanity at the Vet

I dropped Toby off at the vet yesterday for surgery this morning.  No big deal, it was just this cyst we needed to get removed, but still – I was without my dog for over 24 hours.  I hated dropping him off.  When I got home from work yesteraday, I walked into an empty apartment.  Normally when I have my keys out, I can hear him jump off the couch and shake his little collar, and when I open the door he shakes his little butt and waits ‘til I put my stuff down, so we can give each other lovies.  It was so quiet and still at home last night without him.  And I didn’t fall asleep easy, and I didn’t sleep well.  And when I woke up this morning, he wasn’t there next to me to share a morning stretch and snuggles.  And of course I was that pet owner who called the vet first thing this morning to check on Toby.  ‘Has he gone in for surgery yet?  Is he okay?  When can I pick him up?  Call me as soon as he’s out.’  At any rate, the minutes dragged on ‘til 3:30 when I could finally go pick him up.

When I got the vet, they were busy.  There was a woman there, who I later learned to be Lisa, picking up her dog and some medicine.  There was a couple there with their cat that had been attacked by a crazed raccoon.  And then there was a family – dad, mom, and young teenage daughter – there with their old dog, Lucy.  Lucy was very old, lying on the ground barely moving.  They were telling her they loved her, taking pictures – they were obviously there to put her down.  The girl was sitting on the floor just petting her nose, looking utterly heartbroken – I’m sure she’s had that dog as far back as she can remember. 

I started to cry.  I tried to hold it back, and was successful for a few minutes, but that lump in my throat kept coming up and tears starting rolling down.  I had to grab a Kleenex, and hid in the corner why I tried to gather myself.  I just wanted to go and hug this family and tell them I was so sorry for the loss they were about to face.  I just hurt so much for them.  And all I could think about was how they were not going to leave with their Lucy, and how grateful I was that I would be leaving with my Toby.  The vet came and got them, and the dad had to carry Lucy to the back.  I silently said goodbye myself.

There were still the woman, Lisa, and the couple with the hurt cat in line ahead of me.  Nan, one of the ladies at the vet, was going over the cost with the couple to get their cat fixed.  You could tell the couple was straining to figure out where they could find the money.  There was talk of putting off bills and rent.  They were trying to maybe come up with a payment plan with Nan.  Lisa, the lady picking up her dog, said to them, ‘I don’t mean to interrupt, and pardon me if this is inappropriate, but how much money do you need?’  The lady said, ‘We’re short $92.’  Lisa insisted on helping the couple – she had the money and didn’t need it, but they did.  So, this stranger helped this couple take care of their cat when they thought they might not be able to.  The lady hugged Nan and was close to tears – called her an angel.

It was a truly remarkable thing to witness.  Texans have been raising cane the last few weeks over this abortion bill.  Opposing sides are yelling at each other, blaming each other, judging strangers.  People in Egypt are killing each other right now.  We recently had a devastating bombing at the Boston Marathon.  There’s an armed robber on the loose in downtown Austin.  In a world that is so full of hate, intolerance, and anger it was so humbling to see such a beautiful random act of kindness.

It’s these small things that make such an important difference.  Pay it forward.  This woman Lisa showed love and compassion for strangers, two people she will never see again.  She didn’t have to do that.  But she did.  It is so amazing what these random acts of kindness, and love and compassion can do when shared with others.  And it does so much – a little goes such a long way.  Maybe me smiling to this family meant a lot to them.  Maybe me smiling and sending warm energy Lucy’s way aided her on her continuous journey. Love is an amazing thing.

So, there I was, half an hour later, sitting on the bench in the office after everyone else had left.  At this time the younger employee and Dr. Spangler were talking to the family about pricing for cremation, etc.  Dr. Spangler even looked like he could cry at the drop of a hat.  Nan and the other girl apologized for having me wait so long, and I just waved it off, ‘They are far more important.  I get to leave with my dog, they don’t.  I can wait.’  I had the ugly cry face, and I’m sure Nan could tell I wanted to see Toby.  So she said, ‘it’s gonna take a while to draw up the paperwork, but I’m sure you would like to see Toby.’  I just burst into tears again and said, ‘YEEEESSSS!!!’  I assumed he would be groggy and all out of it, but he rounded the corner and squealed and jumped up on me – he was so excited to see me.  I was still crying, got down on the ground and just hugged and loved on him.  I missed him so much and knew I was going to be relieved just to get him back, but I was even more so after knowing that Lucy was being put down just yards away from me behind a closed door.

I’ve had Toby since he was just 8 weeks old.  I got him when I was in rehab in Florida, that April over 11 years ago.  I got him at a time in my life when I was at my lowest, sick, scared.  And as cheese ball as this may sound, I think Toby is a big part of what saved me.  He helped me get through the toughest of times, and I have been through some shit – I would say more than most, actually.  I’ve moved around, I’ve gained friends and lost friends, been broke, depressed, lost, lonely, scared, hurt… and he has been there every step of the way, right by my side.  Toby has been my constant.  He is one of the greatest loves of my life.  Even Dr. Spangler sees we share a special bond.  I know some people may read this and think, ‘Jesus – he’s just a dog!’  But he’s not just a dog, at least to me.  He’s my family, and my friend.

When I saw the family today with Lucy, I couldn’t help but think of Toby.  Toby is 11.  He’s getting older.  His face is getting whiter.  I remember when his eyelashes were dark brown, and now they are white.  When people age, you become all the more aware of their mortality.  And it’s the same with Toby.  As he gets older, I’m more aware of his mortality and that one day I will have to say goodbye to him.  And Lucy reminded me of that today, and I know that’s one of the reasons I was so emotional about it all.  And although I know that one day I will need to let him go, he is still very alive and well.  People can’t believe he’s even 11!  Especially when he gets his haircut, people often assume he’s a puppy.  I take great care of him, he walks, he plays, and he eats spinach for crying out loud (and likes it, I may add).  So, I think he has a lot of years and life left in him. 

But, when that time does come, and if I have to make the hard decision that family had to make today, I will stay by his side like he has with me.  Putting animals down sucks, and it’s a hard decision.  But I also think that it can be the ultimate act of love and humanity you can show toward your four-legged friend.

I just left the vet feeling very grateful today.  And not just for me being able to take Toby home, but grateful for people in the world like Lisa.  There are a lot of Lisas out there, and unfortunately they get lost or overlooked in such a chaotic world.  But don’t forget they are out there. 

‘When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers.  You will always find people who are helping.’

- Mr. Rogers

my reads lately

I’ve been doing a ton of reading lately.  Well, I always read a lot (one can clearly see that from all the books in my apartment), but my recent trip to Hawaii allowed me to read even more.  It’s amazing how much you can read while sitting on a plane for ten hours, and on the beach.

Before I read the following three books, I had been trying to get into Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance for the umpteenth time.  I don’t know how many times I have tried reading this, and over how many years.  It has just been sitting on my shelf for years, teasing me, mocking me.  I wanted to like this book, I really did – it’s a best seller for crying out loud!  I can normally fly through books, but it took a couple weeks for me to even get to page 105.  I would read a couple pages, realize I wasn’t paying attention, then I’d have to go back and re-read the two pages I had just read.  This book was putting me to sleep.  I just don’t get what the big deal is with this book.  I give up, and I’m not sorry about it.

Sometimes when I’m trying to find some random book to order a read, I’ll just do searches on Amazon or Google.  I recently searched ‘New York Times Bestseller’, and came across The Happiness Project.  I liked the summary, but to be honest the cover of the book caught my eye so I decided to give it a go.  I mean, whose eye would this not catch – am I right?  It’s a cute, bright cover!

So, this woman (the author, Gretchen Rubin) is kinda awesome.  How many of us are working jobs we don’t like, but we do them because we have to and blah blah blah.  Well, she was a lawyer, and a successful one at that.  But she wasn’t happy.  She had written a couple law books, and loved writing.  So, she decided to roll the dice – she quit her job to try to make it as a writer.  Wow.  Ballsy and heroic move, Gretchen.  Blog high five!

Gretchen was already pretty happy – she had a loving husband, two happy and healthy daughters, and a great life.  But she wanted to maximize her happiness, basically.  So this book covers her journey for a year, each month having a different goal.  She did things she had always wanted to do but hadn’t.  She laughed more.  She played and got silly with her girls.  She learned to appreciate her husband more.  She played pranks.  She learned to not get upset over the little things, and instead have them roll of her shoulders.

Throughout the book, she discovers and outlines her ‘Splendid Truths’ – I just adore these.

To be happier, you have to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.

One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy; one of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.

The days are long, but the years are short.

You’re not happy unless you think you’re happy.

I can build a happy life only on the foundation of my own nature.

The only person I can change is myself.

Happy people make people happy, but I can’t make someone be happy, and no one else can make me happy.

Now is now – this is it.

I absolutely adore these, and when you think about it, they are so very accurate.  You’re not going to feel good and happy if you consume yourself with negative, icky thoughts.  Fake it ‘til you make it if you must!  I took the second one as meaning that happiness is in and of itself quite contagious.  And you know it!  When you are around someone bright and smiley and happy and cheerful, you almost can’t help but feel good and warm.  And when you are around someone negative, it is so easy to become pissed off yourself.  The days are long, but the years are short – this one has to be my favorite.  We have so many stressors and nuisances that can distract us from the good things in life – kids are high maintenance and throw fits, long days at work, bills and your mortgage, you spill coffee on yourself, your husband forgets to pick up the milk on the way home and you get pissed, the AC breaks in the Texas summer, damn traffic, and so on.  But, relish in the moment because the days can be long and exhausting, but they will pass before you know it.  Slow down, take a breath, smile, and appreciate the good that is in every single day.  Now is now, this is it – once these moments pass, they are gone. 

I consider myself a genuinely happy person.  Waking up in the morning with a smile and good morning stretch and a hug from my dog just make me start the day off on the right foot.  I try and do my due diligence to appreciate and be grateful for all that is around me.  But this book encouraged me to be even happier than even I am now, and to continue to take time to slow down, breathe, smile, and be grateful.

This is a quick read, good book, enlightening, encouraging, and will leave you feeling lighter and happier.

I started The Happiness Project at home, and finished it on my way to Hawaii.  At the airport in San Francisco, I decided to pick up a few more books (and even sprang for brand new ones, which I NEVER do).  I mistakenly bought one that I didn’t realize was a sequel – I have mentally noted to order the first so that $15 is worth my while.  But this one in particular caught my eye – Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend.  This grabbed my attention for a few reasons.  1) I liked the cover.  I hope authors realize how important their covers are.  It’s like a bottle of wine to me – I will buy the bottle with the coolest wrapper and try it every time over one with a boring wrapper - same thing with books for me.  2) I enjoy reading memoirs.  3) This reminded me of one of my favorite movies, Drop Dead Fred.  4)  My sister and I had three imaginary friends when we were younger.  5)  I like atypical books – and this appeared to be one of them.  6)  Jodi Picoult gave this an amazing review, and she’s badass so I kinda have to take her word for it.  She also points to the idea that this book is unique.  7)  I had a red pair of high top converse just like the ones on the cover.

Some of these may sound like weird and unjustifiable reasons to pick up a book, but to me they weren’t.  But, I have often been told that I can make sense of things in my head a bit different than others J

I loved this book – like, this book was could-not-put-it-down good.  I love books that are different, and this one is very different than most books.  It grabs your attention like other books don’t – it is so imaginative.  It is written from the perspective of Budo, an imaginary friend of what I assumed was an autistic boy.  Budo details his world – the imaginary friends he knows, how and when they ‘die’, what they look like, who their ‘imaginers’ are, the different skills they have or don’t have, their day-to-day life with their imaginers, etc.  The book is the story of how Budo helps his ‘imaginer’ Max through the unique challenges being different than other kids his age. 

This book reminded me of one of my favorite movies Drop Dead Fred.  Both tell the story of an imaginary friend and their imaginer.  While reading this book, I thought a few times of my childhood imaginary friends.  My twin sister Aren and I had the same three imaginary friends.  I’m assuming we conjured them up together, although I don’t remember how or when they came to be – I just remember who they were.  We named them (and I have no idea where we got these names) Geechie, Herdigaw, and Hank-O-Hanks.  They were little and elf-like and lived in the air conditioning vents.  I think we used to have them come eat with us at the table sometimes as well.  I recall one instance that I made my mom get a fork for the one sitting to my right.  And I got the stool for him to sit on.  I would think that kids conjure up imaginary when they are lonely, but we weren’t – Aren and I were twins, built-in friends, playmates.  And somehow we made up these three elf-like friends with names that are insane.  Maybe it was just foreshadowing as to how bright and imaginative we’d be throughout our whole lives J

If you’re looking for something different, read Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend – you won’t be sorry.

Silver Linings Playbook is in my Netflix queue right now.  I didn’t even know it was a book ‘til I saw it in the Target in Kona, Hawaii.  I knew it was coming up in my queue, so I figured I should read the book first.  This book was also a quick read.  It wasn’t what I expected, to be honest.  I didn’t know they were both a little nutty, but I liked it.  The book reminded me of a favorite quote.

‘We are all a little weird and

Life’s a little weird,

And when we find someone whose

Weirdness is compatible with ours,

We join up with them and fall in

Mutual weirdness and call it love.’

Dr. Seuss

And I am a little weird to be honest.  I’m quirky.  I’m odd.  I do things differently.  I’m different.  Sometimes I feel like a neurotic hippie.  And I think there’s another weirdo out there for me.  Perhaps another neurotic hippie.  And then one day I shall meet him, and we will be weirdly in love with other, and breed little weirdo kids J

I’m working on another book right now – it’s a page-turner that has grabbed my attention.  Stay tuned, but I’ll tell you right now – you’re gonna wanna pick this one up.

hawaii - a celebration of judy kay

i posted months ago about my self-declared godmother judy right after she died.  since then, she has been my inspiration with my running.  running makes me feel so alive, so strong.  distance running is oftentimes challenging (duh), and she is my motivation to keep going when i feel like i can't.  throughout my training and races this year, i have felt her lift me up.  when i need some strength, a song comes on my shuffle that makes me think of her.  when i feel like i can't go on, her smile and laugh will flash through my mind and i feel weightless.

i'm running the kona marathon in hawaii this sunday in her name.  i'm traveling to hawaii with her middle daughter abbie, who i've always been close to and share a close bond with.  our moms were best, dear friends for over thirty years and abbie and i are following suit.  we joke that we are judy and anita, 2.0 :)

judy, this trip is for you.  i run for you, and for all the others that can't.  i know you will be with me every step of those 26.2 miles, and that you will be with abbie and i.  i feel you always, but for some reason i feel you stronger when i'm running. 

all happiness is inside of you

i've written a bit about this before, but a conversation with a new friend last night reminded me of the importance for inner happiness and peace.

i have gone through quite a bit of growth over the last couple of years, and have experienced a tremendous change.  over two years ago i was couch hopping while waiting for my apartment to be ready, living paycheck to paycheck, and so broke i was worried that i wouldn't be able to afford living on my own.  i was stressed out, up and down all the time emotionally, confused in other aspects of my life, weak, and i just didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel or that i would ever get out of this funk.  i would complain all the time - bitch and whine, bitch and moan.  i would just sit and stew in a pot of crap.

then one day, when my aunt was tired of me hearing the same record over and over again, she gave me some great advice that i have now given others around me.  she said to write down the same affirmation everyday until i felt a change within me. 

i am grateful for all the universe has provided me in the past,

that which i am receiving now,

and all i will receive in the future.

i have a grateful heart.

when i started this, i thought it was a bunch of crap.  grateful for what i am receiving now?  please - i wasn't receiving shit!  but then i began to feel this gradual shift.  i started thinking of all that i did have, instead of what i did not have.  i kept saying the affirmation over and over again, and eventually i found that i genuinely meant it.  i started to wake up with a grateful heart - i started to feel happy.  and not just happy - the happiest i have ever been.

i had read 'the secret' years before.  amazing book.  it talks about the law of attraction, and what you put out into the universe sling shots right back to you.  if you're angry, depressed, and negative all the time that is what you will attract.  if you are positive and happy, the universe will bring the same to you.  and that is what happened for me.  once i started feeling happy and grateful and started smiling again, the most amazing things started to happen.  i got this amazing job offer from dell - i felt even more grateful for the opportunity.  and you know one of the reasons they hired me?  it was my contagious, bright energy! 

and then everything just seemed to fall into place after that.  i moved into this amazing apartment in this amazing neighborhood that i love so much.  i started being able to cook again (one of my favorite things in the world) after couch hopping for a few months.  i bought all new stuff for my apartment - furniture, dishes, clothes, a bed, everything.  it was like i was starting over, just me, picking up the pieces.  i started to do things i had always wanted to do but didn't for one reason or another.  i bought myself a guitar, and began teaching myself to play.  i went through yoga teacher certification, and delved deeper and deeper into my practice.  i began to travel.  i fell in love with my new nephew over and over again.  our family went through a traumatic experience the last couple years, but our already close family grew even closer.  i even took ballet lessons. 

the last couple years, i discovered that all the happiness i had was inside of me all along - i just wasn't channeling it.  before i would tell myself, 'when i get this i'll be happy, when i have that i'll be happy'.  but once i stopped placing this contingency on my happiness, i started to feel so happy and so whole just being zoe.  i felt so much lighter, as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  me was not only enough, it was more than enough.

and now, i truly wake up with a big morning stretch and a smile on my face.  i wake up grateful that i have another day on earth.  sometimes i feel so sublimely happy that i can't imagine being happier than i am now.  sure, there are life stressors around us everyday - and i, too, am guilty at losing myself in them from time to time.  but you are as stressed out as you choose to be, and as happy as you choose to be.  life's 'stressors' will always be there - kids, relationship woes, work, death, etc. but you choose how you confront them - you either choose to approach them light and without stress or anger, or you choose the latter.

i've been through a lot of crap, i dare say more than most.  but i wouldn't change anything, take back one thing, because all of it brought me to where i am today.  i wouldn't give up how i feel today for anything.  the last couple years i have felt so full of life, so whole just being me.  my confidence has grown.  i look at the world around me so differently. i relish in the little things - the feeling of grass between my toes, the smell of rain, watching my dog dream, the innocence of my nephew, a new pair of flip flops, the lake early in the morning when the water is glass, a glass of wine with my mom, sunrises and sunsets, the taste of a dr pepper after a long run, barton springs, the sound of the trees, the smell of the wind, and the feeling of the sun on my skin.  this may sound very hippie cheeseball, but dude - it's the god's honest truth.

energy is so contagious, whether it be positive or negative.  i feel like that red, hot angry energy is unfortunately more contagious than light, bright warm energy and so much easier to fall into and not get out of.  i continue to make conscious decisions to not surround myself by negative people - if i do, then i start to feel icky and pissed.  but, if i surround myself with beautiful positive people, i feed off their energy and they feed off mine.  these are the people i surround myself with.

i just hope that anyone who begins to experience this happy wholeness with themselves, stays with and holds onto it.  i believe you truly need to have this before you invite someone else into your life to experience it with, and i believe that both people need to have it.  this is how the whole conversation got started last night.  my new little friend has started to feel this again, and that makes me so happy for him.  unless you are truly happy and feel whole just being you, i don't think you have shit to offer anyone, especially in a relationship.  i have seen what happens over and over again when people enter into a relationship when they don't have this - they continue to feel unhappy, then the unhappiness spreads like a disease in the relationship, you stay in broken relationships too long because you're scared of being on your own... i could go on.  to halves don't make a whole, two wholes make a bigger stronger whole.

and i guess that's it for today, at least for right now.  be happy, love each other, smile, feel warm.  and from an old mayan prayer, honey in the heart.

'proof of heaven' by dr. eben alexander

when we were studying meditation last year during yoga training, and the deepness it can bring, my teacher shanon spoke of dr. eben alexander.  he is a neurosurgeon and man of science - he didn't believe in anything that couldn't be proven to him.  he wanted facts, in front of him, black and white - he didn't have faith or believe in anything else.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZFml7LEn68

one morning a horrible headache quickly turned into him being in a coma from bacterial meningitis.  doctors used to define people as 'medically dead' when their heart stopped beating.  but because of modern day technology that can bring your heart back so quickly, the definition has been expanded to being brain dead.  the medical world has expanded 'medically dead' to those that are in a vegetative state - their heart may still be beating, and lungs still breathing (oftentimes by a machine), but their consciousness is gone.

dr. eben alexander came out of his coma right before his wife and family were going to unplug the machines and let him go.  he and his family experienced a miracle.  his medical staff could not explain it.  after he woke up, he could not explain as a man of science what happened to him - his experience went against everything he was taught to believe in the medical fielf.  although he still cannot explain it, he is now left with this faith he had never known before. 

'as a practicing neurosurgeon with decades of research and hands-on work in the operating room behind me, i was in a better-than-average position to judge not only the reality but the implications of what happened to me.

those implications are tremendous beyond description.  my experience showed me that the death of the body and the brain are not the end of consciousness, that human experience continues beyond the grave.  more important, it continues under the gaze of god who loves and cares about each one of us and about where the universe itself and all beings with in it are ultimately going.

the place i went was real.  real in a way that makes the life we're living here and now completely dreamlike by comparison.'

while in deep meditation, i know i feel at one with the universe and my god.  i feel the energy inside of me.  i feel warmth, love, calmness, and a genuinely pure happiness.  not to sound too cheeseball, but the feeling is almost magical.  i feel that we are all interconnected, and a part of something so much greater.  we each are a piece of the universe, and each have this love and energy (whether you call that god, allah, the creator, etc.) inside of us.

The above excerpt from the book made me think of the namaste prayer.  i say this prayer at the end of every yoga practice - i then bring my hands to my head's center to ask for clarity of mind, at my mouth for clarity of word, and at my heart for clarity of action.  i admit that i don't always adhere to this - i can have negative thoughts, words, and actions.  but this prayer always brings me back to my center, and what is truly important.  the meaning of the namaste prayer and what it specifically means to me have been very important to me, especially over the last few years. 

dr. eben alexander spoke of this 'mother' and 'her' constant caring, and the almost maternal feeling he felt throughout his experience in this different realm and world.

'...the 'mother' was god, the creator, the source who is responsible for making the universe and all in it.  this being was so close that there seemed to be no distance at all between god and myself.  yet at the same time, i could sense the infinite vastness of the creator, could see how completely miniscule i was by comparison.  i will occassionally use OM as the pronoun for god because i originally used that name in my writings after my coma.  OM was the sound i remembered hearing associated with that omniscient, omnipotent, and unconditionally loving god, but any descriptive word falls short.'

the overall meaning of OM is 'the universal sound of life'.  when he was in this realm while in his coma, the constant sound he heard was this humming of OM.  the yogi in me, of course, thinks this is just awesome.  i can see why he often now refers to his god and creater as OM - it makes sense to me.  OM is the sound and vibration of the universe that connects us all.  whenever we chant 'OM' in a yoga class, the aim to connect to everyone around us - and when i do chant 'OM', i in fact feel connected to each and everyone not only in the room, but everyone.  whenever i chant 'OM' at home while practicing by myself, i still feel connected to all life around me.  it's pretty cool...

the overall feeling he felt while in this 'place' was love - undying, unconditional love.  it was a love he had yet to experience in the physical world, and one that would never be able to be fully replicated here.  even though he did not hear the words spoken to him, they were communicated to him in a way he cannot articulate.  it was just an understood truth with him and god.  the message he received was:

'you are loved and cherished.  you have nothing to fear.  there is nothing you can do wrong.

'if i had to boil this entire message down to one sentence, it would run this way - you are loved.

and if i had to boil it down further, to just one word, it would (of course) be simply - love.

love is, without a doubt, the basis of everything.  not some abstract, hard-to-fathom kind of love but the day-to-day kind that everyone knows - the kind of love we feel when we look at our spouse and children, or even our animals.  in its purest and most powerful form, this love is not jealous or selfish, but unconditional.  this is the reality of realities, the incomprehensibly glorious truth of truths that lives and breathes at the core of everything that exists or that will ever exist, and no remotely accurate understanding of who and what we are can be achieved by anyone who does not know it, and embody it in all of their actions.

not much of a scientific insight?  well, i beg to differ.  i'm back from that place, and nothing could convince that this is not only the single most important emotional truth in the universe, but also the most important scientific truth as well.'

how beatiful is that message?  the single most important thing in life is love.  how simple is that, yet how often forgotten as well?  unfortunately, hate is all around us and has been throughout history.  maya angelou once said, 'hate, it has caused a lot of problems in the world, but has not solved one yet.'  can you imagine a world in which love, compassion, and acceptance prevailed?  it would be a world without war, without violence.  we would have a world in which everyone was truly treated as an equal - no racism, no descrimination, only accepting unconditional love for one another.  it would be a world in which the golden rule was lived everyday, by everyone.  one could argue it would be heaven on earth.

i know what this great love is like.  i have yet to experience it with a spouse as dr. eben alexander describes it, but i have witnessed the love, bond, and commitment between my Mimi and Didi, and between my parents.  i will consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world to have even part of what they do.  although i don't have children of my own yet, i have seen how my sister looks at, cares for, protects, and loves her son simon.  i have felt this unconditional love from my parents - they have loved me when i have been the most unloveable.  i know and trust they will always love me and be behind me, no matter what.  it pains me when i have seen that not all children have this with their parents.  and funny that dr. alexander mentioned one can experience this love when even looking at an animal.  i think we all have not but one soulmate, but different ones throughout our life.  i have friends i feel are soulmates.  my family are soulmates of mine, especially my twin sister.  and my dog toby is a soulmate of mine.  he has been with me since rehab, through thick and thin, through all my struggles - he has been there.

'...our truest, deepest self is completely free.  it is not crippled or compromised by past actions or concerned with identity or status.  it comprehends that it has no need to fear the earthly world, and therefore, has no reason to build itself up through fame or wealth or conquest.

this is the true spiritual self that all of us are destined to one day recover.  but until that day comes, i feel, we should do everyone in our power to get in touch with this miraculous aspect of ourselves - to cultivate it and bring it to light.  this is the being living within all of us right now and that is, in fact, the being that god truly intends to be.

how do we get closer to this genuine spiritual self?  by manifesting love and compassion.  why?  because love and compassion are far more than the abstractions many of us believe them to be.  they are real.  they are concrete.'

i'm not saying this is true, and what happens to everyone.  the fact of the matter is, no one knows what happens when you die - only the people that have truly moved to the spiritual world know.  everyone has a different belief that they believe and is true to them.  but, this book is a great read.  even if you do not believe in the afterlife, or if the afterlife you know to be true is different than the one dr. alexander experienced, it's a great book with such a strong message.  the overall message regardless of what you believe in is love.  we are all interconnected, we all are one - and what connects us all is love and life.

grocery store ramblings...

one of the reasons i like working from home is that i can go to the grocery store over my break, and avoid the sunday funday madness.  i actually do this most tuesdays.  the weekdays have a different kind of crowd of the stay-at-home-mom and old people variety.  i kinda prefer it :)

i think central market must love me.  almost everytime i pull into the lot and circle around, almost immediately a car in a baller spot (like, the ones right next to the handicapped) pull out.  it's as if the gates of heaven are opening just for me.  it puts me in an even more awesome mood, and i just know the rest of the day will be stellar :)

it pisses me off when i see carts placed in the lawn or other places that they are not supposed to be.  people, walk the extra ten yards and put your cart where it should go.  this makes the cart-gatherers job more annoying than it probably already is.  be nice, do your part, spread the love.

i'm still waiting on alaska to send it's awesome salmon and halibut down to texas.  tick, tock, tick, tock.  it's not here yet :(.  my cute fish guy wasn't there this week.  that is a reason to gut out the madness of sundays at central market - fish guy is always there.  and this poses a question - how on earth do you pick up someone at the grocery store?  i see the cutest guys there, mostly my fish guy.  and it's not just at the grocery store - how do you pick up people other places that don't include consuming large amounts of alcohol?  central market?  barton springs?  inquiring minds want to know...

central market has stopped carrying the haagen dazs chocolate sorbet, and it makes me want to cry as my tears form a small sad puddle at my feet.  boo.

i buy flowers for myself every week, one for the vase on my kitchen table and the other for the vase on my coffee tables.  they just make me happy :)

i have found out the key to getting into a check out aisle.  at central market, people approach the row of check out aisles on the left side.  i have found that a lot of people don't stop at the few check outs closest to the left and don't walk further down.  i have found that if you do in fact walk all the way down, you can practically walk up and get checked out right away - even on sundays!!  it's a trick i've learned :)

speaking of the check out counter, i find it highly rude when people do not help bag their own groceries if there isn't a bagger present - this is especially rude when there is a line of people behind you and you  have a ton of groceries!  sometimes a person will just stand there, watching the checker ring in their loot, watching the groceries pile up toward the end, fiddling on their phone, or whatever the hell they may be doing.  and then will watch the checker bag their groceries after this jerk is done paying.  my checker praised me on my bagging abilities, and thanked me very much for bagging my own.  people, this little things means a lot to the checkers.  don't be a priss, and bag your own shit unless you're wrangling children or bleeding from the head.

it's true - i will break both of my arms carrying groceries up in one trip.  i don't normally buy a whole lot since it's just me and toby, but on my big grocery store trips i will take home quite a bit.  and i will not take more than one trip - i refuse.  and for some reason, when a neighbor offers help, i will refuse - i wanna do it myself for some reason or another.

it is so 2:05 on a friday afternoon...

it is so 2:05 on a friday afternoon.  i had a late night last night, alarm came too early this morning.  i'm ready to home, cuddle up with my dog, and hit the couch hard.

but, late night was worth it - i had a date :).  it went well.  in fact, dare i add a 'really' in there and say it went really well??  yes, i think i will.  it went really well.  stay tuned.

this last week has been somewhat random.  this asshole i went out with one time before the holidays called me out of the blue.  i got back from my run tuesday night to discover his missed call.  wtf?  my first instinct was the ignore the queef, but i was just dying to hear what the hell he could possibly have to say to me.  so, i called him back.  we shot the shit for a few minutes, and then he asked me about denver.  'was i still planning to move', he asked me.  i told him i wasn't, and he was curious because he is interviewing for a role that may move him to denver.  i mean, what would it matter if i were moving to denver?  at any rate, i did appreciate the clearing of the air, but that was just about it.  and so i was totally surprised last night when he texted me while i was enjoying a beer with my adorable chubby-cheeked date.  did he want to chit chat again?  geez.

i was on a con call yesterday with a group of people and as much as i was trying to pay attention to the content, the leader's nail biting minnesota accent was stealing my attention.  in fact, so thick i couldn't understand what she was saying a couple times.

as i'm listening to my ipod and a couple songs from twilight come on, i have decided that i'm going to order the twilight series on dvd so i can watch them whenever i want to.  and i'm not sorry about it.  in the least.  by the way - the new boy bears a striking resemblance to taylor lautner. 

it always gets so much colder in the office in the afternoon when the ac kicks into hihg gear or something.  it's as if there is a 2 o'clock cold front we're all doomed to suffer through.  it is so cold up here sometimes that my cube neighbor oftentimes has to put on her heavy coat that she actually keeps traipsed on the back of her chair.

i'm getting a little nervous about my marathon next month.  excited nervous, but still nervous.  this will be my first conquered 26.2 - i have been so damn ready to put that sticker on the back of my car.  i know a lot of people thing they're tacky or whatever, but i don't give a shit - i'm putting that damn thing on my red fit.

just thought of the yummy lips of the new boy.  hope i get to taste them again soon :)