Choose your ground well

'In living, choose your ground well
In thought, stay deep in the heart
In relationship, be generous
In speaking, hold to truth
In leadership, be organized
In work, do your best
In action, be timely.'

- The Tao te Ching of Lao Tzu

celebration of my austin momma, judy

i went to the memorial service today for a very special woman, judy.  i have always referred to her and wally as my godparents, although they aren't technically.  judy was my mother's dearest and closest friend of 32 years.  she battled cancer for years, and let go of life right before christmas.  she was 62 years old.

when i got out of rehab, and we decided as a family i could not return to dallas, wally and judy took me in as if i were their own child - they were a part of my family's decision.  wally and judy took care of me and supported me during the most fragile part of my life.  then i went out on my own for a while, found myself in a horrible relationship, and when i wanted to leave she told me to come back - and so they took me in again.

over the years i have been in austin, she has been an extension of my own mother.  she and wally have been a touchstone and a home base when i needed it.  alongside my mother, she showed me the kind of woman, and someday wife and mother i want to be.  i would not have been able to get out of my darkness and to where i am today without her - i guess you could say that judy helped save me.

i was lucky enough to be able to say goodbye to judy.  most don't know when they're going to die, so i think those final farewells are a rare gift.  i got to tell judy how much i love her.  i told her how much i'm going to miss her, how much she means to me, and i got to thank her for taking care of me years ago.  i got to tell her what a role model she is for me, and that i wouldn't be where i am today without her.  she told me that i was going to be great, and she was going to be great.  and then i sat there for a while with her, crying, my head on her chest, her hand on my head - and she was comforting me!  but that was judy.

today in the service, one of the speakers said that judy was dealt a bad hand.  she was sick for years and died too early.  but never once do i remember her being negative about it.  she had a sense of humor about it, and was so positive.  she supported those around her.  she did not fear death, and i think she may have embraced it toward the end.

another speaker said that judy's glass wasn't half full - it was overflowing.  judy taught me that it isn't necessary the quantity of life, it is the quality - and judy had an extraordinary life.  she was in love and married to the same man for 39 years.  they had an amazing marriage full of music, wine, fun, play, laughter, love, adventures, and i'm sure never a dull moment.  they made children together, and became grandparents together.  judy was a kind soul.

one time when i was over at the house before judy died, i overheard wally on the phone with someone and he told the person on the other end, 'judy attracted the best.'  and man, she sure did.  the people i have met over the years through her have been the best!  and the williams have been the best extended family i could ever hope for.  judy had this laugh that was only hers.  her smile and hug could make everything better.  judy was the best and irreplaceable to all of those she touched.  and that was evident today at the memorial service - the place was packed, overflowing with people who came from all over that shared their love of judy.

years ago i lost my dear childhood friend when she died in a car accident.  kelsey died far, far too young.  i had a really hard time dealing with her death for a multitude of reasons, but i just kept asking myself, 'where did she go?'  when my didi died two years ago i found myself asking the same question, 'where did he go?'  and with judy passing, i asked the same thing.  where is judy?  where did she go?  and although she isn't here in the physical world with us anymore, she is everywhere - and i know that because i feel it.  i know that because i believe it.  and i know that amongst other loved ones that may precede me in death, she will be on the other side to greet me when my time comes with her arm outstretched.

when i went to say goodbye to her (the first time) i told her to come see me sometime if she could figure out how.  and i guess she did because about a week after she died i had a dream about her.  we were all at wally and judy's house for a party.  judy was dying in the dream, and everyone thought she would be gone by the time this party rolled around - but she wasn't.  everyone was leaving the party, and she was standing outside on their front walk saying goodbye to everyone.  i walked up to her and told her i was glad i got to see her one last time (i actually did, but she was in a coma - and i got the impression from the dream that she knew i was there that night).  she gave me a hug and told me that she is fine and that i will be fine.  i've had similar dreams of kelsey as well, and they always leave me with a blanket of comfort and peace.

judy has taught me so many things, but what she has really helped teach me was that we are not guaranteed a tomorrow - we don't necessarily get an 'eventually'.  you need to live now - live hard, live fast, love fiercely.  live without regret.  kelsey's death, judy's death, and other life obstacles i had to face have taught me how i want to live my life.  a couple people at work have actually asked me if i was originally from california because they thought i was a surfer - i have this kind of 'whatever' attitude.  and that's not a bad thing.  shit happens.  life is what you make of it.  as miserable and horrible things may be for you, things could always be worse.  i choose not to be stressed out, because what the hell does that solve?  i choose to not be a workaholic because what the hell kind of life is that?  pay it forward in any way you can.  if i want to do something, i do it (hence the ballet and guitar this last year).  i was reminded of this even more so when we knew she was dying, when she called my mom and told her that this was it.  over the years i have put off doing things because i told myself i would get to do it one day, or i've not done something because i was scared.  but dude, life is way to short to be fucking scared and you don't know if you'll get to take that trip to move to that place 'one day'.  i don't want to get to the end of my life only having lived the length of it, i want to have lived the width of it as well.  i want to use all that god gave me, and experience all the life i can for the divine.

this year with me being thirty, and with the reminder from judy's death, i vow to live without fear.  i'm going to go after what i want.  i'm going to be grateful for all the universe has provided me in the past, that which i am receiving now, and all i will receive in the future.  i'm going to live my life how i want to live it.  i'm going to stop caring so much what people think of me - think what you want, i am what i am and i am so deeply in love with myself.  i'm going to travel.  i'm going to run.  i'm going to sing.  i'm going to soak up every moment i have with my friends and family and make damn sure they know how much i love them.  i'm not going to be angry, and i'm going to forgive those that need forgiven.  i'm going to pray for peace and happiness for those that have wronged me.  i'm going to laugh, i'm going to smile.  i'm going to have adventure.  i'm going to lay in the sun and walk around barefoot.

i will feel the loss of judy daily for the rest of my life - i doubt a day will go by i won't think of her. and although it sucks to be here without her, i am happy that she is not sick anymore and that her soul is able to take the next step in this ride we're all on.  i will always be grateful for judy, and she will always have a special place in my heart.  i will miss her so very much.  but, like my mom told one of her daughters, we will get through this.  and somehow life goes on.

i love you so much, judy.  i'll see you on the other side.

beware the impatient microwave bomb

i made some fettuccine last night for a dinner party (it was a lighter, healthier version that was fabulous - i'm posting it below), and heated up some leftovers earlier for dinner.  i set the timer for two minutes, keeping a very watchful eye.  opening the microwave door a few seconds before that ding, i rescued my delish and perfectly nuked dinner. 

i do this all the time - i actually can't remember a time when i was heating something up in the microwave and let it go the entire time without prematurely ending the nuking of the food.  does everyone do this?  does anyone wait for the beep beep beep to tell them their food is ready, or do they duck in a few seconds early and nab it?  i'd be interested in taking a poll.  a friend of mine posted on his facebook a while back something about this, and that maybe he does it because he feels like he's disarming some bomb and rescuing the food from an untimely death.  perhaps - that's a fun 007 way of looking at it. 

i  noticed that i do this with music as well.  i loathe listening to the last ten to thirty seconds of a song when all the singer is doing is singing the chorus over and over again while some background music slowly fades to silence.  i do it every time - it's almost painful for me to wait for a damn song to be over.  when i'm in the car listening to the radio, i switch the station the second i start smelling that fade out.  when i'm listening to my ipod, my clicker button thingy on my headphones is my best friend - nearing the end of a song, double click shuffle to the next, movin' on.  i don't know why it's so gut-wrenching to listen to those last several seconds of a song - seems like a waste of time.  those songs that end with just a loud guitar rip or pounding of the drums and then it's over in a second?  love it.  get to the point.  we know the song is ending, is thirty seconds of repetitive chorus and fading instrumental torture really that necessary? 

here's another one, come to think of it.  toward the end of a conference call at work, the leader asks if there are any questions, anything to add, blah blah etc - your typical closing remarks.  you notice on the digital clock on the bottom right of your monitor that there are two minutes remaining on the call, the host thanks everyone, it's obviously winding down and coming to a close - click!  i guarantee i'm the first one to hang up - promise.  i wonder who the last person is to hang up?  do they sit on the call listening to all the clicks and only then can they hang up?  i have a couple few calls left this week - i'm challenging myself to be that last person lingering - i shall be the final hang up.

and did you know there are people that actually enjoy staying after the end of a movie to watch the credits?  there are people that even, dare i say, look forward to them?  and do you know how long those damn things are?  i've gone to the movie with some of these people who like to watch the credits (love you, momma!!) - credits at the end of the movie can, i shit you not, be upwards of fifteen to twenty minutes.  i mean, those credits go into major detail - it'll start with the actors, producers, writers, directors, and all the usual.  but then it goes into thanking the most random assortment of people who really didn't have anything to do with the production of the movie at all - like, the dude that changed the lightbulbs in the bar of the scene that the actor did something, but then they didn't end up using that scene.  like, who are these people? 

have y'all stayed til the very end of the credits?  there is a shockingly large amount of people that do this on the reg - like, sometimes a few are left when the theater employees are coming to clean out the cupholders and pick up the trash.  when you're still sitting in there as the staff starts to clean and turns up the lights, it's time to go move along.

and this i kinda do automatically - i think i have an impatient internal clock or something.  so, let's say i'm waking up the next morning at six to run.  a large majority of the time, i wake myself up - not my alarm.  i'll wake up a few minutes before my alarm is set to go off - without fail - alarm is set to go off at six, i wake up, look at the clock, 5:58.  what's up with that??  granted, sometimes my alarm will still go off and that's what will wake me - but i wake myself up like that rather often.  i wonder what my body is going through?  like, 'what's the point of those last couple minutes of slumber - let's just wake up, full body stretch, and get in the shower already??'  maybe my asleep self even knows how much i hate the sound of an alarm so my awesome ninja skills wake me up. 

what brought on this random word vomit?  lately, i've been trying to practice patience.  i find myself waiting for something kinda big right now, and all i can do is put out good energy into the universe, meditate and pray, and just simply wait.  i can't skip ahead.  good things come to those who wait, right?  patience is a virtue, right?  well, let's just call a spade a spade - waiting fucking sucks!  and i'll end on that note.

oh, wait!!  that awesome light and healthy fettuccine!  here's the zoe version :-)

boil and cook whole wheat fettuccine.  while that's a-cookin', bring about a tablespoon of butter to a simmer or low-medium heat - keep it moving, don't let it burn (as butter tends to do).  stir in about a spoonful of flour - keep stirring, get out all of the clumps, don't let it burn (as especially butter with flour tends to do).  add about a 1 1/2 c. low fat milk.  throw in some garlic, salt, and pepper to taste.  whisk constantly while liquid thickens - may want to add a bit more flour, may not.  once thickened a bit, add a cup of parmesan cheese and maybe some lowfat cream cheese if you're in the mood (you can go without this, but why would you??  add a couple tablespoons).  this will melt and thicken up into yummy gooey goodness.  mix this in with your cooked and drained fettuccine and voila!!  a comfort food dish made healthy!  i threw in some cooked sauteed spinach and shallots, boiled chicken, and browned pieces of turkey bacon.  swoon.  this shit is legit, y'all.

must. have. sleep.

when i was little i was such a hard sleeper.  i could sleep through anything.  i slept so hard i even used to wet the bed.  oh, to have that again (minus the bed wetting, of course)...

i don't know when it started, but it's been years and years that i've had trouble sleeping.  little tid bit of information - i'm manic.  i was diagnosed as such almost 11 years ago.  i have been on and off different kinds of meds, and finally went back on meds two years ago after trying to function without.

i feel like there is a certain level of judgement out there toward people who are on meds to treat some sort of mental disorder.  in fact, there are those out there who don't believe in mental disorder or illness.  i've heard some opinions from some that people who 'choose' to be on meds are somehow weaker than those that aren't - if you're stong enough, you control it with you mind or spirituality instead of settling for some outside agent.  so i would convince myself i could control my mania and thoughts on my own or that i was 'cured', didn't need these'unnecessary' meds, so i would go off of them - i've gone through this cycle a few times now.  but a couple years ago i realized that i do  need them and there wasn't anything wrong with that.  i feel great now for the most part - but the meds only help to control my mania and racing thoughts, but nothing will ever stop them altogether.

the racing thoughts can really interrupt my sleep and have for a very long time - i recall feeling like this in junior high, but i can't pinpoint when it started.  in addition to the racing thoughts, i have very vivid dreams, several a night, most of them wildly bizaare, and nightmares very often.  the dreams will wake me up, maybe because they're so real i wake up for a reality check or something.  and the nightmares wake me up for obvious reasons.  once i'm awake, the thoughts start racing, i struggle to go back to sleep, once i do i have another dream or nightmare, and the cycle continues.  my meds help tame the thoughts, and i can initially go to sleep easier than i used to be able to, but i struggle to go back to sleep once i wake up in the middle of the night.

yoga and meditation have not caused a significant difference.  sleepy time tea and melatonin help me fall asleep, but not the middle-of-the-night episodes.  i've tried the nature sounds, metronome, or soft music.  nothing was helping in the middle of the night.  so, i finally told my doctor nothing was working and she prescribed me seroquil.  i started it last night - she told me to start at one (most people take 2 or 3), and then work my way  up.  of course i thought one wasn't enough, so i took two - and man, i felt so groggy and out of it this morning.  i almost felt drunk - like, the tired drunk.  i actually slept through an alarm which i don't think i've done since, like, high school.  i'm hoping that two was just too many to start on, and that one tonight will do the trick and i'll wake up fresh as a daisy.  i would love to be able to fall asleep at night, stay soundly asleep, and then wake up in the morning feeling refreshed - to have that would be such a blessing.

i hate that i have to take meds at all, and now i really hate that i'm having to take sleep meds - it sucks, and somehow makes me feel like a failure and mentally weak or something.  whenever i talk about it, people tell me to try melatonin or nature sounds or the metronome or meditation or deep breathing - i've tried that shit already!!  don't you think i've tried everything i can possibly think of?!?  it's not easy for me to fix!  i appreciate the suggestions and help, and that others have trouble sleeping too, but i just think that my problems are a wee bit different.  i don't think i'm special or anything, and i'm not being defensive, but unless you're manic with these racing thoughts and horribly vivid dreams, you don't understand - sorry.  i feel like people don't understand and that i'm just 'settling' on medicine.  if i could make my mind shut up, and all these bizarre dreams and nightmares to stop, i would!! 

this morning i may have woken up feeling groggy, but i slept through the night only waking up once to pee (which is normal to begin with), only had one dream, and it was of me skiing.  i'm hoping i can keep that and get to where i don't wake up feeling like a groggy mess.

i haven't missed the boat

society puts so much importance on getting married, having children, and following a specific timeline to do so.  so many of the girls i went to high school with met their now husband in college, and some have two or three kids already.  there are many others that are married, maybe pregnant with a baby on the way.  sometimes i feel like i'm the only single one left within my scope of friends - my best friend is married and having a baby next month, another has been in a relationship for over three years, others are married and starting to have kids, most of my work friends are married (with our without kids), engaged, what-have-you.

and then there's me.  i'm a single 30 year old woman.  i don't date a lot.  dating is such a pain in the ass when you think about it, but there are parts that i enjoy i suppose.  but truth be told, i do well on my own.  i like living alone.  toby and i do great just the two of us.  i've never been one of those 'relationship hoppers' (so i call them) - you know the type - someone who is always in a relationship.  i'm kinda the opposite, actually.  i just don't see the point in seeing someone if i don't think it will go anywhere long term.  i will go long stretches without dating or being in a relationship.  i like it - it will take someone mightly special for me to break away from this single routine of mine.  of course there are times when i get a wee bit jealous - i am a girl with girl hormones after all. 

but it's just not my time yet.  i've always been a few years behind the 'norm' and done things to the beat of my own drummer (so my mom says).  i went to rehab for an eating disorder when all my friends were going to college and rushing some sorority.  i struggled with school after i moved to austin and was just lost for a few years.  i finally graduated right before i turned 27 when other friends were getting married or pregnant - i like to think that i was on the 8 year plan - that's a nice way of putting it.  i struggled to find a job worth a damn after that and worked in restaurants far longer than i cared to.  i pinched pennies far more than i wanted to.  and i wasn't in any place to take on anything, or anyone, else on. 

but now, i've got my shit together!  i'm on my own, and doing awesome.  i finally have a job i love, have some money saved, and have the financial means to travel and do things i've always wanted to do but couldn't afford to.  i found yoga and meditation and my divine self, and that is priceless.  that in-and-of-itself has made the the person i am now.  i'm completely enthused at life everyday, love life, and can honest-to-god say that i love myself and am happy with how things are.  i think until  you have that self-fulfillment, you don't have much to offer someone else.  so many people are out there looking and say, 'i'll be happy once i meet someone.  i'll be happy once i'm in a relationship.  i'll be happy once i get that diamond around my finger.  i'll be happy once i have that big wedding.  i'll be happy once i have a baby.'  but i think that if you aren't happy and full being yourself, you won't be happy otherwise.  your happiness should not be dependent on finding someone else.  i think women, and men too, put way to much pressure on themselves to find someone before they 'miss the boat'.  and this 'pressure' can make them blind to any warning signs and red flags, and can make them turn someone into someone they aren't.


but you know what?  i haven't missed the boat.  i'm 30, i'm single, and that's just fine.  i'm happy with who i am and where i am.  people move at their own pace, and that's okay.  and i am in a place now that i can invite someone else to join me in life.  everyone moves at their own pace.

i started thinking about this because a woman i used to work with just got engaged, is pregnant with her first child, and she's 43.  i could not be more thrilled for her - she has become a fabulous little heroine of mine.  she made me feel inspired and made me feel even more happy with where i am right now in my life.

Some of my favorites I've stumbled upon...

don't worry, be happy mon

just recently i had a person say some awful things to me - the nastiest most hurtful things i think anyone has ever said to my face.  i won't go into details, but there were some low blows to my character and my 'emotional iq' and sense of humanity and that i'm a horrible woman - well, you get the picture.  i don't hate a lot of people, i do my best not to judge (although i am guilty of it from time to time), and i try not to harbor any ill feelings toward anyone but this particular individual really tested my limits.  i couldn't remember a time when i was this stunned at someone's behavior - i was so caught off guard with the negativity radiating from myself, and was rendered speechless.  this had been on my mind and under my skin for a couple weeks since the holidays, and then in our final meditation in yoga on friday erinn asked us to do something.

she asked us to think of someone we love very much, hold dear to our hearts, and send them warmth and hope to find happiness and peace - so i thought of someone special to me, and i did.  she then told us to think of someone that may be having a rough time right now, someone that may not be doing anything to deserve our love, and someone that may push our buttons and to send them warmth and hope to find happiness and peace - so i thought of a close family friend of ours who is struggling with drug addiction, and sent him this warmth and light.  then erinn asked us to picture someone who has hurt us - someone who may have been ugly to us, someone we may even hate.  i chose this fucker that was mean to me - i pictured his face in my mind, heard the things he told me, but then i also found myself picturing what he's gone through in life and tried to imagine what it must be like to suffer such loss as he has.  and when she asked, i sent him warmth and hope to find happiness and peace - and i genuinely meant it.  and just like that, my negative feelings toward him were gone - poof.  i felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

i have done that everyday since then - thought of him, and sent him light and love.  i also was reminded through this process that everyone has their own baggage and you never know what someone might be going through.  i have taken my personal stuff out on people before - everyone has.  i think i was just his outlet to get it all out, and you know what - i'm almost okay with that if that was the case.  i know who i am, and i know the things he said aren't true, and that's all that matters.  i know he's been through a lot, suffered great loss, and maybe he just needed to word vomit all over someone.  and i'm almost glad i could do that for him if that's what he needed.  i don't care to be friends with him or skip merrily along in a meadow holding hands, but i also don't wish him any harm.

this was just on my mind because i was amazed by how powerful it is to let something like that go.  it was powerful to pray for someone that hurt me and wish them well.  it released any negative energy i had in me.  meditating and praying is something i do everyday, and i think others do as well - but do you ever pray for those you hate?  do you pray for happiness and peace to the man who attacked you?  have you asked the divine to bless the asshole who broke into your car?  did you send warmth and love to the woman who took your parking spot at the grocery store?  what about the guy that cut you off on the way to work this morning?  try it - it's pretty powerful, and it makes you feel good.  like i said, you never know what someone is going through - sometimes a little prayer goes a long way, for the giver and the receiver.  sometimes it may be the 'easier' route to talk bad about someone and wish them harm maybe and 'fuck them', but think of how much better things would be if it were different.  imagine if you sent those who have wronged you light, love, and hope to find happiness and peace instead of having that negative energy just fester and grow.  world might be a much better place...

i don't know how this is all going to piece together, if at all, but bear with me.  come to think of it, i don't think this next part ties in at all to the above, but to me somehow correlates.  at any rate...

i just got done reading eat, pray, love - love the movie, book was infinitely better (aren't they always?). at any rate, i flagged a few pages with some exerts i just loved and spoke to me (i do this with most books, actually, so most of the books on my shelves have folded corners).

'the bhagavad gita - that ancient indian yogic text - says that it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection.  so now i have started living my own life.  imperfect and clumsy as it may look, it is resembling me now, thoroughly.'

you bet your ass!!  all my life i have been quite the chameleon - i've morphed into the group i was currently hanging with, trying to fit in, you know the drill.  in high school i curled my hair and got abercrombie and fitch clothes and wanted nothing more than to be popular and thin and perfect - well, that got me a nasty eating disorder and ended up in rehab soon after graduating.  i've tried on many different hats (and many uncomfortable heels come to think of it, and many ugly purses), but i wasn't wearing mine.  and i've had my hat on for a couple years now, and it fits great and i fucking love it.  i would rather tipsy tumble through my life, than try and live someone else's version.  and i became so much happier when i made that self-discovery.

'...all the sorrow and trouble of this world is caused by unhappy people.  not only in the big global hitler-n-stalin picture, but also on the smallest personal level.  even in my own life, i can see exactly where my episodes of unhappiness have brought suffering or distress or (at the very least) inconvenience to those around me.  the search for contentment is, therefore, not merely a self-preserving and self-benefiting act, but also a generous gift to the world.  clearing out all your misery gets you out of the way.  you cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to anyone else.  only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people.'

yeah dude, totally.  okay - so this is starting to tie in together!!  i used to sit on my pity potty all day long, just 'woe is me, woe is me, no one understands, i have it worse than everyone, blah blah blah'.  but then my aunt had a come-to-jesus with me, told me to suck it up, and i realized that only i have the power to change my tune and make my life what i want it to be.  no matter how bad you think you have it, someone else has it worse than you.  shit could always be worse.  and someone out there with less than what you have is happier than you are.  so when i started truly being grateful for what i had - when i started to really show gratitude for all the universe had provided, was providing at the time, and what i still had yet to receive - well, that's when things just mysteriously fell into place.  not just job and money and all that stuff - that's just 'stuff'.  my attitude and outlook on my life completely turned around.  and i'll tie in a little art of happiness here from the dalai lama... happy people are more gracious.  they'll let that car over in rush hour traffic instead of flipping somebody off.  they'll walk around and smile and say 'hey' to a stranger, and that smile may make that stranger's day.  happy people want other people to be happy!!  happiness is so contagious and would be the most awesome epidemic on this planet.  you being happy is a gift to everyone around you.  wouldn't you agree??

i'm actually reading the art of happiness again right now.  i discovered it, alongside with principles of Buddhism, while i was in rehab for an eating disorder.  that book just switched the light on or something - it was bizarre.  i went to go see the dalai lama speak years ago when he was in austin.  i honestly can't remember what he said, but i just remember how he made me feel - being in the presence of someone so content and serene and genuinely happy is extremely powerful.  his energy was nothing short of radiant.  we all make the choice to be happy or to be unhappy.  life is what you make of it.  sometimes you have to fake-it-til-you-make it, but i promise you will get there.  hell, i had to fake it 'til i made it!  i thought this being grateful and happy stuff was a bunch of crap - but i had faith, i stuck with it, i meditated and prayed, and then one day i just woke up and things were different. i'm just genuinely happy - those of you that know me know this is true.  i'm just happy.  i choose to not be stressed out.  i choose (well, try) to not be angry.

actually, yea - okay - it's all tying in together now.  i knew i was going somewhere with this!!  what happened with this man and what he said to me made me angry.  it pissed me off.  i wanted to tell him to fuck off and go to hell.  and i said some not nice things to him as he did to me.  that situation tested who i am.  it tested this place of serenity that i have resided now for quite some time and made my home.  i didn't like how he made me feel, and it didn't sit well with me.  and then i felt horrible after what i said to him, how i reacted, and i felt horrible feeling so negative and hateful - almost like i had a bad taste in my mouth no mouthwash or gum could get rid of.  but when i prayed for him and meditated on it, and sent him warmth and light and meant it, that negative energy was released.  i was sorry i didn't do it sooner.  and now i almost feel back at home now, back to zoë, back to myself.  and now i know how to handle it if anything like that were to come my way again - release it to the universe, send nothing but warmth and love and light, and find my way back to zoë.

oh, insomnia...

so, first entry into my blog - exciting, ain't it?!?  my dad has mentioned me writing and starting a blog, friends have mentioned it over the years, and i've toyed with the idea - so, what the hell?  my mind is always racing with thoughts and random crap anyway, so i might as well document my awesomeness - just kidding - well, only kinda kidding.  and maybe this blog will keep me from updating facebook all the damn time.  i just have a lot to say, lots of observations, lots of random (often nonsensical) thoughts, etc.  i'll decorate and put up pictures and make it all purdy later when i have time.

just so y'all know (as i'm sure you may have noticed already, especially those of you that already know me) there are some things about my writing that may drive you crazy - i've been followed up with it before, but that's just too bad 'cause it's how i write.  i write how i talk, what you read is essentially what you're gonna get coming out of my mouth.  i don't capitalize - i just don't.  i hate holding down the shift key while having to hit another one, capitalizing every single 'i', etc. - i mean, think about it - that time adds up, it could be bad for a possible episode of carpal tunnel, and it just flat out annoys me.  let that marinate for a while.  in addition, i break up run on sentences with the '-' symbol a lot.  i got that from an old boss i had, and it just kinda stuck.  in addition, i don't have the cleanest of mouths and can 'cross the line' sometimes - i get that from my mother, and i kinda love her for it.  i clean all these things up with work emails and documents and did during school, but this is my blog and i'm gonna use lower case and '-' and fucking cuss words if i wanna.

so, first random thoughts have to do with the trashy mtv reality shows i watched last night - catfish and teen mom.  i often indulge in trashy tv - i just can't stop!!  among other favorites are real housewives of orange county, jersey shore, and snookie and jwoww - so addictive.

so, i'll start with catfish.  for those of you who don't know about catfish, i will offer a brief summary.  catfish started as a movie a couple years ago - followed this guy who met and 'fell in love' or whatever with some chick he met on facebook - she found him online through a mutual friend of his.  the movie documents his pilgrimage to where she claims to live and find her - turned out she was some middle aged, unattractive woman.  of course this guy was devastated.  but they also interviewed her, asked her 'why' - she was married to a man who was mentally retarded, they had a son who was the same way, and she basically felt trapped and this was her outlet.  the tv show is this filmmaker helping others meet their 'loves' they have met online.  and of course, none of them have turned out to be legit.

last night was the story of this guy who had been talking to this girl online for a year and a half.  he wanted to meet her and talk to her, but of course there was always an excuse as to why she couldn't including that she didn't have a cell phone.  really dude?!?  who doesn't have a cell  phone these days?  it's like someone saying they don't have underwear or pants to wear.  and what about a landline, payphone, work phone?  there was always some excuse as to why she couldn't skype, talk to him over the phone, meet him, etc. - for a year and a half!  turns out this 'girl' was a gay teenage boy who was looking for a way to talk to men and be himself.  but dude, how did you possibly think that this was possibly a legit relationship? 

and all of the stories are like this.  for some reason these 'loves' they find online can't meet up (even though they may be just a couple hours away), can't talk on the phone, or can't skype and these people are actually falling for it.  and the filmmakers find out they're fake so easily!  they just google the image, do a little follow up with the friends on these people's profiles, and find all these red flags.  i just don't get it.  i get friend requests all  the time from people i don't know, messages from dudes i don't know, and i ignore them.  i just don't get how someone can be so gullible, and fall for someone who is so obviously fake and pretend. 

on the other side of the coin, these people (on both sides) just want to find love like we all do.  and it is hard out in the real world, especially once you're out of college.  it's hard to meet someone out there in the real world - i  think that's why a lot of people enter the cyber world for 'love'.  i mean, dating someone at work is often a bad idea.  and it's hard to walk up to that cute guy at the grocery store that's making eyes at you.  it's so hard to meet someone outside of work and outside of your friend circle.  and i totally get that talking to someone and getting that kind of attention is nice - undeniable - we all feel that way, whether you admit to it or not, it feels good. 

i think maybe the 'desparation' that some people get to find someone, and pressures of society to get married by a certain age, will enable them to overlook warning signs and/or red flags.  and as for the people with the fake profiles, they're all just looking for an outlet.  a couple of them have been gay and in the closet and scared, and online is the only way they have to experience a 'relationships' with those of the same sex.  there was another guy who was kinda hiding who he was because he was severely overweight.  a couple of the chicks were kinda nuts though because they had made up several fake profiles, had this con of theirs mastered (one even fooled the filmmakers who were doing the digging), were talking to several people under several different profiles, and admitted they couldn't stop and it was like an addiction.  but this is kinda one of the reasons why i stay offline.  i went online for a while, and the guys were assholes (even though of course they said they weren't 'like that') - the minute i gave them my phone number they were wanting to hook up, talk dirty, and a couple actually sent me pictures of their you-know-what.  really?!?!  on what planet is a woman going to swoon over a strange guy who sends her a picture of his junk?  so, i got offline.  jesus...

as for teen mom... i know i shouldn't watch it.  it kinda glorifies teens getting pregnant, and of course these girls are paid for their appearance on these shows.  they kinda become reality show celebrities.  and i feel by watchhing it i'm just perpetuating the status quo and enabling this behavior and celebrity, but, i can't stop watching!  i'll start with janelle - something of hers recently sorta went viral - she was the one that was obsessed with ke$ha - ring any bells?  anyway, her mother has sole custody of her son.  she keeps getting arrested, went to rehab, and was put on probation - and she knowingly violated probation which landed her in jail because she just couldn't miss the ke$ha concert.  really?!?  your three year old son is at home, crying for mommy', and she tells her mom (who has cared for her son since day one) to fuck off and slams the door leaving.  what an ungrateful brat. 

and then there's leah - she and this guy she just started dating got pregnant with twins.  she's cheated on him twice, one time after they got married.  so they got divorced after being married for three months.  and you mean to tell me my gay  friends who have been together for years and years that have a child together can't get married because of this so-called 'sanctity' of marriage between a man and a woman?  the 'sanctity' of the marriage between leah and her baby daddy?  what a fucking joke - makes me sick - absolutely sick.  and let's fast forward to present day, she's engaged to another dude and pregnant again.

and then we have chelsea.  like the others, she also got pregnant in high school by her boyfriend.  they have broken up and gotten back together more times than i can count, he's a complete queef that treats her like shit, and she still is a complete fool for him.  and i'll say something that could rub some of you women the wrong way, but i kinda don't blame the guy!!  she whines - actually whines to him.  and baby talks to him.  and is always like, 'do you love me?  how come you never tell me?  what are we?  are we together?  don't you  love being here with me and the baby?  adam, adam, adam, adam...' that shit would drive me NUTS!!  i kinda don't blame the guy for breaking up with her all the time.  but dude, let him go, recognize that y'all aren't right for each other and he's an asshole, and finish school already and stop living off your father's dime!  and stop whining and talking like a baby! 

as for kailyn, well - i like her.  she's a single mom, communicates pretty well with her baby daddy, has been abandoned by her mother and loser father so is in this completely alone, but she's in school and working and is a good mom to her son.  all the others need to fall in line with her.  she's pretty awesome.

and well, that's my two cents for today - well, at least for now.  i don't know how often i will blog, could be everyday, every week, a few times a day - who knows.