when i was little i was such a hard sleeper. i could sleep through anything. i slept so hard i even used to wet the bed. oh, to have that again (minus the bed wetting, of course)...
i don't know when it started, but it's been years and years that i've had trouble sleeping. little tid bit of information - i'm manic. i was diagnosed as such almost 11 years ago. i have been on and off different kinds of meds, and finally went back on meds two years ago after trying to function without.
i feel like there is a certain level of judgement out there toward people who are on meds to treat some sort of mental disorder. in fact, there are those out there who don't believe in mental disorder or illness. i've heard some opinions from some that people who 'choose' to be on meds are somehow weaker than those that aren't - if you're stong enough, you control it with you mind or spirituality instead of settling for some outside agent. so i would convince myself i could control my mania and thoughts on my own or that i was 'cured', didn't need these'unnecessary' meds, so i would go off of them - i've gone through this cycle a few times now. but a couple years ago i realized that i do need them and there wasn't anything wrong with that. i feel great now for the most part - but the meds only help to control my mania and racing thoughts, but nothing will ever stop them altogether.
the racing thoughts can really interrupt my sleep and have for a very long time - i recall feeling like this in junior high, but i can't pinpoint when it started. in addition to the racing thoughts, i have very vivid dreams, several a night, most of them wildly bizaare, and nightmares very often. the dreams will wake me up, maybe because they're so real i wake up for a reality check or something. and the nightmares wake me up for obvious reasons. once i'm awake, the thoughts start racing, i struggle to go back to sleep, once i do i have another dream or nightmare, and the cycle continues. my meds help tame the thoughts, and i can initially go to sleep easier than i used to be able to, but i struggle to go back to sleep once i wake up in the middle of the night.
yoga and meditation have not caused a significant difference. sleepy time tea and melatonin help me fall asleep, but not the middle-of-the-night episodes. i've tried the nature sounds, metronome, or soft music. nothing was helping in the middle of the night. so, i finally told my doctor nothing was working and she prescribed me seroquil. i started it last night - she told me to start at one (most people take 2 or 3), and then work my way up. of course i thought one wasn't enough, so i took two - and man, i felt so groggy and out of it this morning. i almost felt drunk - like, the tired drunk. i actually slept through an alarm which i don't think i've done since, like, high school. i'm hoping that two was just too many to start on, and that one tonight will do the trick and i'll wake up fresh as a daisy. i would love to be able to fall asleep at night, stay soundly asleep, and then wake up in the morning feeling refreshed - to have that would be such a blessing.
i hate that i have to take meds at all, and now i really hate that i'm having to take sleep meds - it sucks, and somehow makes me feel like a failure and mentally weak or something. whenever i talk about it, people tell me to try melatonin or nature sounds or the metronome or meditation or deep breathing - i've tried that shit already!! don't you think i've tried everything i can possibly think of?!? it's not easy for me to fix! i appreciate the suggestions and help, and that others have trouble sleeping too, but i just think that my problems are a wee bit different. i don't think i'm special or anything, and i'm not being defensive, but unless you're manic with these racing thoughts and horribly vivid dreams, you don't understand - sorry. i feel like people don't understand and that i'm just 'settling' on medicine. if i could make my mind shut up, and all these bizarre dreams and nightmares to stop, i would!!
this morning i may have woken up feeling groggy, but i slept through the night only waking up once to pee (which is normal to begin with), only had one dream, and it was of me skiing. i'm hoping i can keep that and get to where i don't wake up feeling like a groggy mess.
No comments:
Post a Comment