just recently i had a person say some awful things to me - the nastiest most hurtful things i think anyone has ever said to my face. i won't go into details, but there were some low blows to my character and my 'emotional iq' and sense of humanity and that i'm a horrible woman - well, you get the picture. i don't hate a lot of people, i do my best not to judge (although i am guilty of it from time to time), and i try not to harbor any ill feelings toward anyone but this particular individual really tested my limits. i couldn't remember a time when i was this stunned at someone's behavior - i was so caught off guard with the negativity radiating from myself, and was rendered speechless. this had been on my mind and under my skin for a couple weeks since the holidays, and then in our final meditation in yoga on friday erinn asked us to do something.
she asked us to think of someone we love very much, hold dear to our hearts, and send them warmth and hope to find happiness and peace - so i thought of someone special to me, and i did. she then told us to think of someone that may be having a rough time right now, someone that may not be doing anything to deserve our love, and someone that may push our buttons and to send them warmth and hope to find happiness and peace - so i thought of a close family friend of ours who is struggling with drug addiction, and sent him this warmth and light. then erinn asked us to picture someone who has hurt us - someone who may have been ugly to us, someone we may even hate. i chose this fucker that was mean to me - i pictured his face in my mind, heard the things he told me, but then i also found myself picturing what he's gone through in life and tried to imagine what it must be like to suffer such loss as he has. and when she asked, i sent him warmth and hope to find happiness and peace - and i genuinely meant it. and just like that, my negative feelings toward him were gone - poof. i felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
i have done that everyday since then - thought of him, and sent him light and love. i also was reminded through this process that everyone has their own baggage and you never know what someone might be going through. i have taken my personal stuff out on people before - everyone has. i think i was just his outlet to get it all out, and you know what - i'm almost okay with that if that was the case. i know who i am, and i know the things he said aren't true, and that's all that matters. i know he's been through a lot, suffered great loss, and maybe he just needed to word vomit all over someone. and i'm almost glad i could do that for him if that's what he needed. i don't care to be friends with him or skip merrily along in a meadow holding hands, but i also don't wish him any harm.
this was just on my mind because i was amazed by how powerful it is to let something like that go. it was powerful to pray for someone that hurt me and wish them well. it released any negative energy i had in me. meditating and praying is something i do everyday, and i think others do as well - but do you ever pray for those you hate? do you pray for happiness and peace to the man who attacked you? have you asked the divine to bless the asshole who broke into your car? did you send warmth and love to the woman who took your parking spot at the grocery store? what about the guy that cut you off on the way to work this morning? try it - it's pretty powerful, and it makes you feel good. like i said, you never know what someone is going through - sometimes a little prayer goes a long way, for the giver and the receiver. sometimes it may be the 'easier' route to talk bad about someone and wish them harm maybe and 'fuck them', but think of how much better things would be if it were different. imagine if you sent those who have wronged you light, love, and hope to find happiness and peace instead of having that negative energy just fester and grow. world might be a much better place...
i don't know how this is all going to piece together, if at all, but bear with me. come to think of it, i don't think this next part ties in at all to the above, but to me somehow correlates. at any rate...
i just got done reading eat, pray, love - love the movie, book was infinitely better (aren't they always?). at any rate, i flagged a few pages with some exerts i just loved and spoke to me (i do this with most books, actually, so most of the books on my shelves have folded corners).
'the bhagavad gita - that ancient indian yogic text - says that it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection. so now i have started living my own life. imperfect and clumsy as it may look, it is resembling me now, thoroughly.'
you bet your ass!! all my life i have been quite the chameleon - i've morphed into the group i was currently hanging with, trying to fit in, you know the drill. in high school i curled my hair and got abercrombie and fitch clothes and wanted nothing more than to be popular and thin and perfect - well, that got me a nasty eating disorder and ended up in rehab soon after graduating. i've tried on many different hats (and many uncomfortable heels come to think of it, and many ugly purses), but i wasn't wearing mine. and i've had my hat on for a couple years now, and it fits great and i fucking love it. i would rather tipsy tumble through my life, than try and live someone else's version. and i became so much happier when i made that self-discovery.
'...all the sorrow and trouble of this world is caused by unhappy people. not only in the big global hitler-n-stalin picture, but also on the smallest personal level. even in my own life, i can see exactly where my episodes of unhappiness have brought suffering or distress or (at the very least) inconvenience to those around me. the search for contentment is, therefore, not merely a self-preserving and self-benefiting act, but also a generous gift to the world. clearing out all your misery gets you out of the way. you cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to anyone else. only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people.'
yeah dude, totally. okay - so this is starting to tie in together!! i used to sit on my pity potty all day long, just 'woe is me, woe is me, no one understands, i have it worse than everyone, blah blah blah'. but then my aunt had a come-to-jesus with me, told me to suck it up, and i realized that only i have the power to change my tune and make my life what i want it to be. no matter how bad you think you have it, someone else has it worse than you. shit could always be worse. and someone out there with less than what you have is happier than you are. so when i started truly being grateful for what i had - when i started to really show gratitude for all the universe had provided, was providing at the time, and what i still had yet to receive - well, that's when things just mysteriously fell into place. not just job and money and all that stuff - that's just 'stuff'. my attitude and outlook on my life completely turned around. and i'll tie in a little art of happiness here from the dalai lama... happy people are more gracious. they'll let that car over in rush hour traffic instead of flipping somebody off. they'll walk around and smile and say 'hey' to a stranger, and that smile may make that stranger's day. happy people want other people to be happy!! happiness is so contagious and would be the most awesome epidemic on this planet. you being happy is a gift to everyone around you. wouldn't you agree??
i'm actually reading the art of happiness again right now. i discovered it, alongside with principles of Buddhism, while i was in rehab for an eating disorder. that book just switched the light on or something - it was bizarre. i went to go see the dalai lama speak years ago when he was in austin. i honestly can't remember what he said, but i just remember how he made me feel - being in the presence of someone so content and serene and genuinely happy is extremely powerful. his energy was nothing short of radiant. we all make the choice to be happy or to be unhappy. life is what you make of it. sometimes you have to fake-it-til-you-make it, but i promise you will get there. hell, i had to fake it 'til i made it! i thought this being grateful and happy stuff was a bunch of crap - but i had faith, i stuck with it, i meditated and prayed, and then one day i just woke up and things were different. i'm just genuinely happy - those of you that know me know this is true. i'm just happy. i choose to not be stressed out. i choose (well, try) to not be angry.
actually, yea - okay - it's all tying in together now. i knew i was going somewhere with this!! what happened with this man and what he said to me made me angry. it pissed me off. i wanted to tell him to fuck off and go to hell. and i said some not nice things to him as he did to me. that situation tested who i am. it tested this place of serenity that i have resided now for quite some time and made my home. i didn't like how he made me feel, and it didn't sit well with me. and then i felt horrible after what i said to him, how i reacted, and i felt horrible feeling so negative and hateful - almost like i had a bad taste in my mouth no mouthwash or gum could get rid of. but when i prayed for him and meditated on it, and sent him warmth and light and meant it, that negative energy was released. i was sorry i didn't do it sooner. and now i almost feel back at home now, back to zoë, back to myself. and now i know how to handle it if anything like that were to come my way again - release it to the universe, send nothing but warmth and love and light, and find my way back to zoë.
No comments:
Post a Comment