i went to the memorial service today for a very special woman, judy. i have always referred to her and wally as my godparents, although they aren't technically. judy was my mother's dearest and closest friend of 32 years. she battled cancer for years, and let go of life right before christmas. she was 62 years old.
when i got out of rehab, and we decided as a family i could not return to dallas, wally and judy took me in as if i were their own child - they were a part of my family's decision. wally and judy took care of me and supported me during the most fragile part of my life. then i went out on my own for a while, found myself in a horrible relationship, and when i wanted to leave she told me to come back - and so they took me in again.
over the years i have been in austin, she has been an extension of my own mother. she and wally have been a touchstone and a home base when i needed it. alongside my mother, she showed me the kind of woman, and someday wife and mother i want to be. i would not have been able to get out of my darkness and to where i am today without her - i guess you could say that judy helped save me.
i was lucky enough to be able to say goodbye to judy. most don't know when they're going to die, so i think those final farewells are a rare gift. i got to tell judy how much i love her. i told her how much i'm going to miss her, how much she means to me, and i got to thank her for taking care of me years ago. i got to tell her what a role model she is for me, and that i wouldn't be where i am today without her. she told me that i was going to be great, and she was going to be great. and then i sat there for a while with her, crying, my head on her chest, her hand on my head - and she was comforting me! but that was judy.
today in the service, one of the speakers said that judy was dealt a bad hand. she was sick for years and died too early. but never once do i remember her being negative about it. she had a sense of humor about it, and was so positive. she supported those around her. she did not fear death, and i think she may have embraced it toward the end.
another speaker said that judy's glass wasn't half full - it was overflowing. judy taught me that it isn't necessary the quantity of life, it is the quality - and judy had an extraordinary life. she was in love and married to the same man for 39 years. they had an amazing marriage full of music, wine, fun, play, laughter, love, adventures, and i'm sure never a dull moment. they made children together, and became grandparents together. judy was a kind soul.
one time when i was over at the house before judy died, i overheard wally on the phone with someone and he told the person on the other end, 'judy attracted the best.' and man, she sure did. the people i have met over the years through her have been the best! and the williams have been the best extended family i could ever hope for. judy had this laugh that was only hers. her smile and hug could make everything better. judy was the best and irreplaceable to all of those she touched. and that was evident today at the memorial service - the place was packed, overflowing with people who came from all over that shared their love of judy.
years ago i lost my dear childhood friend when she died in a car accident. kelsey died far, far too young. i had a really hard time dealing with her death for a multitude of reasons, but i just kept asking myself, 'where did she go?' when my didi died two years ago i found myself asking the same question, 'where did he go?' and with judy passing, i asked the same thing. where is judy? where did she go? and although she isn't here in the physical world with us anymore, she is everywhere - and i know that because i feel it. i know that because i believe it. and i know that amongst other loved ones that may precede me in death, she will be on the other side to greet me when my time comes with her arm outstretched.
when i went to say goodbye to her (the first time) i told her to come see me sometime if she could figure out how. and i guess she did because about a week after she died i had a dream about her. we were all at wally and judy's house for a party. judy was dying in the dream, and everyone thought she would be gone by the time this party rolled around - but she wasn't. everyone was leaving the party, and she was standing outside on their front walk saying goodbye to everyone. i walked up to her and told her i was glad i got to see her one last time (i actually did, but she was in a coma - and i got the impression from the dream that she knew i was there that night). she gave me a hug and told me that she is fine and that i will be fine. i've had similar dreams of kelsey as well, and they always leave me with a blanket of comfort and peace.
judy has taught me so many things, but what she has really helped teach me was that we are not guaranteed a tomorrow - we don't necessarily get an 'eventually'. you need to live now - live hard, live fast, love fiercely. live without regret. kelsey's death, judy's death, and other life obstacles i had to face have taught me how i want to live my life. a couple people at work have actually asked me if i was originally from california because they thought i was a surfer - i have this kind of 'whatever' attitude. and that's not a bad thing. shit happens. life is what you make of it. as miserable and horrible things may be for you, things could always be worse. i choose not to be stressed out, because what the hell does that solve? i choose to not be a workaholic because what the hell kind of life is that? pay it forward in any way you can. if i want to do something, i do it (hence the ballet and guitar this last year). i was reminded of this even more so when we knew she was dying, when she called my mom and told her that this was it. over the years i have put off doing things because i told myself i would get to do it one day, or i've not done something because i was scared. but dude, life is way to short to be fucking scared and you don't know if you'll get to take that trip to move to that place 'one day'. i don't want to get to the end of my life only having lived the length of it, i want to have lived the width of it as well. i want to use all that god gave me, and experience all the life i can for the divine.
this year with me being thirty, and with the reminder from judy's death, i vow to live without fear. i'm going to go after what i want. i'm going to be grateful for all the universe has provided me in the past, that which i am receiving now, and all i will receive in the future. i'm going to live my life how i want to live it. i'm going to stop caring so much what people think of me - think what you want, i am what i am and i am so deeply in love with myself. i'm going to travel. i'm going to run. i'm going to sing. i'm going to soak up every moment i have with my friends and family and make damn sure they know how much i love them. i'm not going to be angry, and i'm going to forgive those that need forgiven. i'm going to pray for peace and happiness for those that have wronged me. i'm going to laugh, i'm going to smile. i'm going to have adventure. i'm going to lay in the sun and walk around barefoot.
i will feel the loss of judy daily for the rest of my life - i doubt a day will go by i won't think of her. and although it sucks to be here without her, i am happy that she is not sick anymore and that her soul is able to take the next step in this ride we're all on. i will always be grateful for judy, and she will always have a special place in my heart. i will miss her so very much. but, like my mom told one of her daughters, we will get through this. and somehow life goes on.
i love you so much, judy. i'll see you on the other side.
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